A hungry and bruised Muabladar Hurfrodornot was rescued by the lampoon staff when he stumbled into lampoon central this evening complaining of a bear attack in the hills behind Upperlake while we were eating popcorn and trying to decide who would be our new foreign affairs correspondent.
Hurfrodornot, the lampoon's survival skills correspondent, explained that he'd been working on the Smokey Bear story when he was savagely attacked by a Bear wearing jeans and a hat who he believes to be Smokey Bear because that's the only talking bear he's aware of that wears jeans.
"I was trying to tell you guys I was up in the tree dammit," Hurfrodornot said of his adventure. "You guys could have heard me if you'd turned down those stupid Ipods and where the heck is my tape recorder anyway? My mom bought that for me and she's gonna be really angry if I come home without it."
According to Hurfrodornot, he survived the attack by climbing a tree in the forest because he'd read someplace that bears don't climb. To maintain his strength after his rescuers left he drank dew collected in pine cones and ate the cones for sustenance.
"Nothing at all like ice cream cones," he said. "I don't get why they call em cones at all. They're really just pointy little bits of bark and don't taste anything like cones. I had to pick my teeth out with pine needles."
Hurfrodornot suffered his injuries when he began coughing up the cones and lost his balance on a limb and fell to the earth below. He later walked back to lampoon headquarters because we'd retrieved his vehicle and no passing cars stopped to give him a lift.
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