Hats are In

The Beatriz

Spelunkers everywhere have been troubled by the new Sheriff uniforms. Not so much because Francis changed 'em for the wrong reasons but because he just didn't go far enough. I get that he wants to look cool like a Park Ranger but the baseball caps just don't work for me. So I did some research and came up with a few suggestions.

Granted some of these maybe aren't the most authoritative hats for a cop to wear when he's busting a drug house, shooting out door jambs, dodging bullets from other cops or whatever but they all make a much stronger fashion statement and Francis did say he's all about style some of them are fantastic for greeting visiting dignitaries when they travel across the pond.

We assembled the spelunkers fashion consultants and assembled some hat choices that might be more suitable than those shabby old crank dealer baseball caps.

 
First we have the formal hat, this stylish hat can be worn at formal dress up things that cops go to like the Policeman's ball or whatever.

Frank Campaigning

Here Francis is seen campaigning in the Beatriz hat on loan from the Royal Family.

Now that hat makes a statement! And at just over $120,000 its a bargain. Too bad Francis messed up the whole Indian money thing or he could have had three of these.

A more affordable yet sophisticated hat is this Junior Reckless Ranger hat donned by Junior Reckless Ranger model Brian. Since they aren't actual Rangers Francis might be wise to use these to avoid confusion with trained Rangers. This JRR hat is great for all around pretend cop work without scaring off the bad guys.

Reckless Ranger

MAC daddy

Bruce is seen here rakishly sporting a crocheted headpiece slightly 'cocked' to the side that some people might think is silly. Clearly Bruce figures once Tom is outta the picture he'll get more 'quality time' with Francis, nudge nudge wink wink say no more, and with a hat like that getting dates should be no problem.

Pseudo Trooper

Trooper hats are cool too, only its the same deal as with the Ranger hat, Francis just doesn't have the proper training to wear this hat and that could present a serious liability to the county if he tried to act like a real cop.

Incognito

Tom Carter struts down the catwalk in this self-designed hat for undercover work when Francis wants to hang out in Upperlake with his bestest friend and go unnoticed. The Incognito is made of the freshest of local flora and can be smoked just as soon as it dries out. We're told these hats are medicinal as well.

Can't hear you!

Here's a really useful hat for Francis, this hat covers the ears so Francis can't hear people laughing at him. The Can't hear you is also great for muffling the sound of gunfire in case you get caught in a gunfight with other cops.

First at Third or Fourth, Maybe

I guess there is a lot to be said for being first. Lots of companies like to be 'first to market' and if you're in a foot race it can mean the difference between free pizza and going hungry.

Coming in second isn't as much fun, though it is the first loser, so nobody tries for second or third.

Award for Francis

Francis knows how cool first is so he wants everyone to think he's first. Only he's not. I'm not sure who the first Hispanic Sheriff was in California but it is safe to say that in 150 years there have probably been at least a few.

Today there are at least three Hispanic Sheriffs in California. Some guy named Lee Baca in the County of Angels is one. Sheriff Prieto in Yolo county is another and chances are there are plenty of others besides Francis.

But he's not like those other guys. They have really distinguished careers.

Sheriff Prieto started his career in the Army and threw himself from perfectly good airplanes to show what a solid guy he is. He went on to serve 31 years in the Highway Patrol before becoming the Yolo Sheriff. Now that's a lawman to be proud of.

Sheriff Baca similarly began his career in the military as a reservist for the Marines then started with the LA Sheriff's dept in 1965. He has a PhD in public administration and he's on his fourth term overseeing 18,000 staff.

I wonder what those guys think of Francis?

On Francis' spiffy propaganda blog he claims he is "a new and progressive Sheriff Mr. Frank Rivero in office, who is the first Hispanic sheriff in the state of California,"

Since we know he isn't first we worked with the spelunkers science team to create this cool formula and figure out the probability of him coming in at 'nth' place. We couldn't figure it out but it looks cool on the cave wall.

What does 'progressive' mean anyway? Is that because he has pot grower friends? He's not first at that either. He's also not the first woman Sheriff, he's not even the first gay woman Sheriff. Could he be the first Sheriff with a dog?

Francis might be California's first felon Sheriff that runs a mortuary but that just doesn't sound as cool.

Mud Pies and other Tasty Treats

Once in a while somebody will try to convince me of some fake stuff and I always tell myself when that happens that it reveals interesting stuff about them. Kinda like when the big kids fed me a yummy slice of sun dried mud and told me it was a pie. It didn't taste like pie and it was kinda gritty but I ate it all and licked my fingers just to show her what I was made of.

Sheriff Francis' friends like to make mud pies too. They told us all about how wonderful he'd be and what a great guy he was, they even put some stuff on their nifty propaganda blog for us all to look at so we'd know how fantastically lucky we are to have him.

Most of the stuff Francis puts on his blog is clearly just there for fun because everybody knows what a kidder he is. Like the stuff about having wide support for example. Other stuff is fun too. Like how Francis is the first Hispanic Sheriff in California. I thought that was pretty exciting til some meany face pointed out that, no, he isn't the state's first Hispanic Sheriff since some guy in LA was elected way back in '98 and he's Hispanic too.

Now maybe that makes whoever wrote that he was the first Hispanic Sheriff a liar or maybe it just makes em too dumb for words. Whatver the case, instead of going 'oh' we made a mistake they went and deleted that post that pointed out they'd made a mistake.

Personally I'm ok with Francis calling himself the first Hispanic Sheriff on the Internet even if it isn't true since he's got a pretty low truthiness score across the board anyway and when you compare the false stuff that doesn't really rank all that high. Frankly, that's a word that used to mean honest, I'd be disappointed if that endless droning that comes out of his mouth and is posted on his blog turned out to be factual.

But that's just me.

Loaded for Lunch

"Lying in my plastic bed thinking how things weren't so cool to me; my baby likes to shoot pool. I like lyin' naked in my bedroom, tying on the dinosaur used to be so cool," Sheriff Francis crooned as he opened his talk to the Middletown luncheon club.

Nobody really knows what he meant by that but everyone clapped because, well, the guy was strapping a loaded .40 cal while talking to a bunch of senior citizens and you know how it is when the crazy folk start talking.

You just try to avoid eye contact. Anyone that has ever seen the damage a .40 can do to a door jamb just plain knows better.

The Sheriff continued his talk by explaining his legal position that did not include extending civil rights to those citizens he considered undeserving of constitutional protection that he'd rather exclude from the LC.

Explaining his justification for attempting to block the motorcyclists he feared might enter the county Francis shouted at the assembled elderly folk.

"I will just not allow that to happen," he raved, "I cannot just allow 200 plus bikers to get into this county. They don't have civil rights, those civil rights don't exist - that's a myth. There is no controversy this is your government hard at work," he ranted.

"Would I do it again? The answer is yes!"

Sure glad my dear old mum lives behind those gates that keep her in and him out cuz she's a mean mama jama motorlovin' biker chick and if she'd heard all this she would probably have been rude and put her plastic cup of tea down hard on the fold-up table.

That would be ugly.

But don't take my word for it, here's the clip: http://youtu.be/1SqF8JUwjXU

Disproportionate Representation

This whole redistricting thing is really missing the boat. Sure yah it makes a certain amount of sense to make sure that districts are proportionately represented so elections don't go off the rails but the Census simply doesn't account for crazy.

Now if I were doing the redistricting thing I'd take that into account by figuring out where the majority of the crazy comes from. With the help of Channel 8 I'd probably suppose that lots of crazy is alive and well over there in Clear Lake, or is it Clearlake? I always get those two mixed up.

Jeff Smith has his work cut out for him.

With Muabladar still in Jail we decided to call in an expert on crazy - Dr. Frasier Crane does a radio show on some station I don't get but his brother seems pretty off balance so we flew him out here on the Lampoon whirlybird to do some boots on the ground science. Seems he'd been checking out the scene for a while and here's what he gave us to work with:

"Hello Mr. Shrubber, thank you for inviting me to your lovely county. Were I to approach a redistricting project such as this, here's how I'd go about calculating crazy across a geographically defined area. First check out some City council meetings for a peek at the crazy quotient and then you smear crazy all over the county by weighting crazy along with population. Some kinda fancy 'crazy voter' algorythm could figure out how to do this equitably for sure.
When I watch channel 8 and see the City council it becomes apparent that there is a significant amount of crazy there and it just doesn't seem fair that all that crazy vote is the responsibility of but one Supervisor.
Now Kelseyville, no relation, is kinda short on crazy so that buffalo dude should get some in his district and so should that pasty guy Anthony. Though to be fair they did vote for him. I hardly ever hear about those people behind the gates in the South county but then again, are the gates there to keep us out or them in?
I've been to City council meetings over in Lakeport and the crazy is hardly represented at all except by the mayor and since so few people bother to go to those meetings I'm gonna surmise that they just aren't all that crazy.
Lessee, how about the Northshorians. From news stories I'm gonna have to go with plenty of crazy in Niceland, Lucernia and Clearlake Oaksterdamia. Upperlake is kinda farmy so they keep their crazy down in the basement or out in the barn or something and it's hard to tell just how much crazy is out there. Of course anybody choosing to reside that close to where bears live has a screw loose as far as I'm concerned."

As you can see, its really helpful to bring in fictitious people to prove a point, kinda like Francis does with his blog. Come to think of it I'll give Francis a call! He must know all the crazies since they made him Sheriff.

Regardless, we have our own way of dealing with the obviously disproportionate representation and that is to create a sixth district comprised of all the crazy and give a home to all the crazy and those that smoke so much of the local foliage that they seem to have crawled through the back of the closet into the land of Narnia for good.

Blog a Month Club

Usually you can measure somebody's popularity by the number of fan blogs they've got. Francis' blog propagandists devoted a whole blog to telling everybody mean stuff about the old Sheriff and what a terrific guy Francis is.

Then another blog popped up from people who weren't convinced about Francis' sainthood and the world was harmonious with two blogs in a kind of perverse yin-yang kinda way. Things went along like that for a while, the election happened and the blogs kept at each other like a couple of school girls settling a disagreement by pulling out each other's hair.

Equilibrium continued for the first few months of Francis' reign with the one blog crowing about what a great guy Francis is and the other one setting them straight. It was a simpler time in a 'yes you did,' 'no I didn't' kinda way and everyone was content.

Francis' proagandists tried to start a second blog but it wore them out so they quit.

Then some stupid stuff started happening, people got wind of goings on and decided two blogs just wasn't enough to adequately capture all the current affairs so another blog popped up, then another and another.

There are now four blogs shining light on Sheriff Francis and just one shining light on Sheriff Mitchell.

When reached for comment Rodney Mitchell told us he was confused about why the first blog wouldn't let go of him. "I don't think they know I'm not the Sheriff anymore," he said.

For his part, Sheriff Francis denied any knowledge of the Internet or the blogs and was thrilled to be the focus of no less than four blogs. We don't think he fully understands. "I'm not entirely sure that four blogs is sufficient to capture the full depth and breadth of my ego, but its a start," Francis said.

Francis has been Sheriff for something like five months and we thought it might be interesting to chart the explosive blog growth and put it into graphical perspective.

So we made a chart!

Explosive Blog Growth

As you can see, Francis' blog popularity is on the rise. At this rate Francis should have something like two thousand blogs by year's end.

Google's CEO Larry Page weighed in on the Sheriff's blog consumption as well. "Looks like we're gonna have to add more servers to prevent a blog shortage and those suckers are expensive, this Sheriff is a big concern," Page complained.

Things Change

Don Bohan, a calistoga landscaper from Santa Rosa, was recently photographed out at the jail for breaking the rules. This is called a photo shoot and it only happens when somebody catches you doing something wrong so kids if you want some free pictures go ahead and break the rules.

They charge an arm and a leg at school and that sucks. Some times of the year I have to decide between school photos and more beer. Probably why we don't have too many snaps of the younguns.

Don's recent 'broke the rules' photo revealed nasty messes on his face and head but now that picture has went away. Its kinda like that guy with that portrait that gets older while he stays the same ... what's his name? I sure wish I had one of those.

Then again I wasn't exactly hot photo material even in my prime. So maybe it's all for the better. I must say these hairplugs are fantastic. A supermodel could pull me out of the pool by

my hair with em. If I had a decent supermodel willing to touch my hair  or a respectable pool that is. My pool is kinda green and yucky with all those damn birds always doing their business in it.

I guess I should get a CCW so I can sneak up on em and show em what for.

But back to the photo stuff - I kinda wish Don wouldn't grow pubic hair on his chin since it grosses me out.

My guess is that Francis changed out the pics so he could put Don in a better light for his court appearance to help him get free like that Profitt guy. The question is what happened to his booking photo from when Don says he was beat up by Francis?

Will Francis speak to the judge to help Don get out of trouble?

Surely that other, later photo will exonerate Francis from bad behavior if it surfaces. And I was gonna use it for the youth group meeting to show the kids what might happen if you break the rules.

Francis needs to file an IA to figure out why the pitcher went away. Somebody working for him musta did that for sure and they deserve to get their coffee taken away.

Here are Don's pitchers from May 20 and June 10. You decide - are they the same picture?

If you want to see for yourself go to Francis' Internets place at www.lakesheriff.com and conjure up 06/10/2011 and 05/20/2011.

Why is a government Internets page named 'dot.com' anyway? I thought those were for companies and that government was dot.gov.

Back to the point.

In the first pitcher we have Don when he broke the rules on May 20.

The next pitcher is from June 9 after he broke the rules when he says Francis busted him up. Clearly somebody is lying since Don looks just the same in both pictures - you might even say he looks exactly the same.

Sheriff Investigates Hisself

Sheriff Francis has read in the paper that he's been accused of assaulting a prisoner and wants to get to the bottom of it and find out if he did that by starting an investigation last week.

DA Donny is investigating too, but he's getting sloppy seconds because Francis has already "talked" to the inmates in private. Donny is concerned that the witness pool might be tainted so he's trying to get Francis to quit investigating hisself.

Okay this is serious, evidently some asswipe is going around beating up prisoners in handcuffs, kinda like that guy De Sade.

Only this Marquis doesn't stick to the prostitutes like his predecessor. Its ugly stuff and only one person get to the bottom of it - Corrections correspondent and masochism expert Mualdamar Hurfrodornot.

After being rescued by lampoon staff from a vicious bear attack Hurfrodornot struck out to France on his next assignment to trace similarities between Sheriff Francis and De Sade on the Internet. At least thats what Mualdabar billed us for.

If we'd known how expensive a transatlantic flight was I'd have sent him to the library or one of those Internet cafes I've seen.

The freshly tanned Hurfrodornot, upon his return from some beach filled with half naked French people, disguised himself as a jail prisoner and went out to the jail to see what he could find out. He was soon spotted by the guards, invited in and began visiting with prisoners.

Once we figure out how to get Mualdabar out of jail we'll tell the rest of the story.

Hurfrodornot Rescued!

A hungry and bruised Muabladar Hurfrodornot was rescued by the lampoon staff when he stumbled into lampoon central this evening complaining of a bear attack in the hills behind Upperlake while we were eating popcorn and trying to decide who would be our new foreign affairs correspondent.

Hurfrodornot, the lampoon's survival skills correspondent, explained that he'd been working on the Smokey Bear story when he was savagely attacked by a Bear wearing jeans and  a hat who he believes to be Smokey Bear because that's the only talking bear he's aware of that wears jeans.

"I was trying to tell you guys I was up in the tree dammit," Hurfrodornot said of his adventure. "You guys could have heard me if you'd turned down those stupid Ipods and where the heck is my tape recorder anyway? My mom bought that for me and she's gonna be really angry if I come home without it."

According to Hurfrodornot, he survived the attack by climbing a tree in the forest because he'd read someplace that bears don't climb. To maintain his strength after his rescuers left he drank dew collected in pine cones and ate the cones for sustenance.

"Nothing at all like ice cream cones," he said. "I don't get why they call em cones at all. They're really just pointy little bits of bark and don't taste anything like cones. I had to pick my teeth out with pine needles."

Hurfrodornot suffered his injuries when he began coughing up the cones and lost his balance on a limb and fell to the earth below. He later walked back to lampoon headquarters because we'd retrieved his vehicle and no passing cars stopped to give him a lift.

Smokey Bear Files Suit

In a dramatic about face, Smokey the Bear has filed suit against Sheriff Francis to force the Sheriff to quit using ranger uniforms. The uniforms were selected by Francis after offering Bear the undersheriff position. That offer was later withdrawn.

Legal documents filed in Superior court evidence that the once cozy relationship between Bear and Francis had quickly devolved into a bickering match after the election.

In the documents Bear alleges that the Sheriff told Bear that he would deputize the rangers, make Bear the undersheriff and adopt the ranger uniform in exchange for Bear's endorsement. Later Francis tossed Bear under the bus and claimed he was unfit for the undersheriff position.

"Smokey didn't pass the background check," Francis said. "He has a dark past that could resurface at any moment and derail my big reforms."

According to Francis the uniform selection was initially proposed by Smokey who had appeared at the Sheriff's office demanding a badge shortly after the election.

Smokey did not return calls prior to crack wildlife reporter Muabladar Hurfrodornot striking out into the wilderness to get an interview. Hurfrodornot did not return but a tape recording found at the base of a large tree is reported to contain his last words and a revealing interview with Bear.

After Hurfrodornot had gone missing, Bear telephoned lampoon central and in a low growl commented "can't you tell I want to be left alone?"

A transcript of the recording will be published once the Forest Service releases the recording.

Interview With a Vampire

"If you're not on the bus, you're under the bus" Sheriff Francis said in an exclusive interview with Lampoon foreign affairs correspondent Muabladar Hurfrodornot at the Sheriff's office recently.

The Sheriff had been privately critical of the Lampoon and it was like pulling teeth getting an interview but we finally got him to concede to meeting with us to discuss how it is that since he's been Sheriff the staff has been unable to prevent grandiose blunders from happening and getting into the press while Francis himself has not made a single wrong decision. Not one, according to Francis.

We caught up with the Sheriff hiding in his office where everybody said we could find him and it only took about forty five minutes of soothing nursery rhymes, who knew Muabladar could sing, before the door swung open and there stood Francis.

News accounts of blunders in the department have raised questions among voters, law enforcement officials, legal professionals and even my cat as to why Francis' department comes off like the gang that couldn't shoot straight. "You can put protocol ahead of action but that's just not my style" was a quote attributed to Francis but he now says that his command staff put him up to saying that as a prank.

Francis works hard to let the public and the prisoners at the jail know that he's on their side and that he's the victim of a massive conspiracy designed to make him look good but it just isn't working. To convince the public he drives his kid to school in a cruiser and radios it in as a security check.

During one such "security check" Francis helped a small child retrieve a soda from a vending machine by using his service revolver for leverage. Unfortunately "the weapon discharged and blew a door jamb to smithereens" Francis chuckled. "Good thing I didn't hit that kid or the soda machine or there would have been hell to pay and I'd have to file an IA on somebody in the department to find out what happened."

Francis says he's working hard to reform the department and is addressing problems at the jail to make the inmates feel less like they are in jail and more like they are innocent victims of overzealous, unarmed jailers who are responsible for the crimes that landed the inmates there. "If we didn't have jailers we'd have no reason for jails, he said."

According to sources close to the Sheriff posting on dirtyriverocampaign.blogspot.com Francis may suffer from a missed opportunity in Florida when he was arrested several times on drug and theft charges. The bloggers explain that though Francis was arrested and booked he may not have spent enough time in jail to know what its like and he's trying to get close to the prisoners to vicariously experience the joys only the incarcerated can understand.

To reach his goal Francis spends time chatting with the prisoners shouting at jailers to win them over. Some people find his methods unconventional but that doesn't phase the reformer turned Sheriff "they should really just get educated."

People Near the Street

Yesterday the spelunkers science team loaded up in the Konocti investigative whirlybird, traveled deep into the heart of Lakeport and conducted a survey to discover why the Sheriff might be spending so much time in his office away from sunshine and friendly faces.

Our thesis was simple - the Sheriff doesn't like sunshine and all it conveys including possibly Solid American values.

Here are the results of that survey in graphical format.

Numbers don't lie. From this chart we can clearly discern that your run of the mill Lakeportians think Francis is most likely a huffy, unAmerican albino alien, a Haaa, possibly hiding out here on Earth.

The questions we asked yesterday were:

1) Why do you think the Sheriff hates America?
2) Is he hiding from someone or something?
3) Is it possible the Sheriff is from the planet Albinoron and can only survive for a few hours in the sun without the incredibly rare and expensive SPF 9999 treatment that allows him to move around in daylight?

Why he's here is anyone's guess but the good money says he'll be gone soon and we'll all be the better for it.

Three Hots and a Cot

During these trying economic times courtesy of the US banking system it can be hard to afford the things we enjoy. Some folks will go to great lengths to get what they want or need and somtimes they'll cross that invisible line that marks the boundary of what the legal system classifies as 'good' and 'bad.'

Recently I mentioned my affinity for those fantastic baloney samiches they make when you get to be a guest of the county. I'm told that's a special baloney you can only get in that special place and that's probably what makes it so magical.

Some gal over in Lucerne, the 'ghetto' according to Nancy Ruzicka, must have really liked those samiches even more than me but just couldn't figure out an easy way to get one so she cooked up a clever plan. She packed up her special kit of a snack bag and her little glass pipe and stuffed em into her bra to head for court.

She probably figured she'd just pop out the goods and show em to the court as a sign of contrition and get one of those sandwiches. What she didn't count on was that Francis had been devoting zillions of man hours to tracking this gal and had the Narcotic task force on hand to perform a routine probation boob check.

Francis couldn't have the Probation officers do that because those guys are also with corrections and Francis knows they are really just 'jailers' and can't be trusted with coffee or to perform routine tasks. Francis also figured it wouldn't sound as cool in his press release about the huge drug filled bust.

So he dispatched the Task Force to go and fiddle about with this gal's bra til they found what they were looking for and find it they did.

Now don't you 'jailers' feel silly? And the Task Force guys are heroes again. Hell I've completely forgotten that they were inserted into the OK corral so long ago. Bottom line, fondling is a whole lot safer than almost getting shot.

Alien invasion?

Sheriff Francis is arousing suspicion spending loads of time holed up in the office lately. So much time that members of his command staff have had to step up and manage the department in his absence.

Obviously the situation is a boon to the department as the staff can now anticipate rational objectives and clear decision making with a greatly reduced risk of lawsuit, death or whacky radio appearances.

The question remains, what has Francis got against sunshine?

The stuff makes Tom's plants grow and that alone should be of sufficient benefit for the Sheriff to endorse sunshine but in his office he remains. Sunshine means many things to many people but to us it means puppy breath and honesty and its essential to democracy.

We took the question to the streets to find out what every day people in the street might suggest as a probable explanation. We'll be posting the results of our findings tomorrow below is our scientific method.

Unfortunately the first few people we dragged out into the street were hit by speeding vehicles and as a result nobody else would come out there to talk to us so we retreated to a sidewalk table at Molly Brennan's to have some Irish grub and talk to the survivors.

We divided the respondents into three groups, those who hadn't heard of the Sheriff or just stood around looking at us waiting for something interesting to happen, those who had heard of the Sheriff but were too fearful of Francis' propagandist blog henchmen to even speak to us and those who had heard of Francis and were willing to respond.

To remain unbiased and obtain a quantifiable result we asked the same questions of each person.

Here are questions we asked:

1) Why do you think the Sheriff hates America?
2) Is he hiding from someone or something?
3) Is it possible the Sheriff is from the planet Albinoron and can only survive for a few hours

in the sun without the incredibly rare and expensive SPF 9999 treatment that allows him to move around in daylight?

Planet Albinoron where the sun only rises for 13 minutes every 13 months.

These important question must be answered without delay as the worst case scenario is that we may be in the early stages of an alien invasion and our delays could spell the demise of everything near and dear to the hearts and minds of Lake countians everywhere- if not the world.

Francis' family album?

Anger Management

Some days are better than others. Some days I don't have to do much and I like that because it makes it easy. Other days people like 'the man' at my GOB job make me do stuff I don't want to do like answer emails and call other people back. Shoot they got the answering machine, that should be good enough. And besides what if I call somebody back and they're as whack as me and then I run into them out in the real world. Its happened before and it didn't go well.

Lots of stuff irks me, like when a pretend cop prances around with a known criminal like Francis and Tom hanging out all the time during the election or Francis shooting a doorjamb instead of a perp with an aerosol can.

Thats why I have to go to anger management class sometimes.

I don't really like going there and I'm pretty sure they know I'm uncomfortable but they always make me do some stupid thing that just pisses me off. Like last week, last week was a total joke. I drive over there after work and its raining real bad, in June, and the wipers don't work on the YO mobile so I couldn't see very well and did a curb shot then nearly sideswiped somebody's car doing a U-turn on Main in Lakeport. I wasn't sure but it kinda looked like Francis so I'm glad I didn't hit him since he has a gun.

I hear he's a lousy shot but who needs to take a chance? As you can clearly see bad stuff just happens on the way to Anger Management class, its not my fault but I'm the one that gets pissed off so off to class I go.

This week wasn't much better. I was late getting there and had to stop for a hamburger. So they weren't all smiling and happy either - I guess its like AA where everybody that runs it knows there way around a liquor bottle. These guys must have been really angry to become experts.

The class was annoying and they had us do this kinda gay deal where you stand there and somebody walks up to you and stops when you put your hand up to establish 'personal space.' I decided to screw with em and didn't put my hand up. The other guy chickened out and clearly has personal space issues but not me cuz I figured I'd just give him a peck on the cheeck and go straight to graduation. That cheered me up for a while and then the ordeal was over so I got to leave.

Bummer time, I get to ready to YO and couldn't find my keys. The windows are really dirty but I finally caught a glimpse of em in the ignition where I'd left em. I thought about going back inside to call that car place but didn't want to because I was starting to get mad and I knew exactly what was gonna happen. They'd want to 'process' the emotion or some such hoo haa and probably want to hug or sing kumbaya or something. That just made me madder and I needed to find some outlet so I screamed some carefully selected words at the YO for a bit to make me feel better.

Once I got done yelling I looked around and found a rock to open the door with. I was picking up the rock and those weenies from inside had heard the yelling and come out to check it out, swell. They asked me if everything was ok and I told em some guys had just driven by yelling. I could tell they didn't believe me but they went back inside and didn't notice the rock.

Shoot my keys sometimes don't work so good and I have to wiggle em around a bunch to make em work but that rock nailed it first time.

I sure hope it doesn't rain anymore.

Crown Vic

The YO mobile is a great car, it smokes a little but so do I and sometimes it smells like gas, but so do I. It's treated me well and I don't mind the dents and scrapes because they remind me of how lucky I am but I'm thinking I want something a little flashier to go with my shiny new GOB job.

Something with a big trunk would do just fine.

I'm thinking I want Francis' old Crown Vic so I can drive around pretending to be something I'm not and that car fits the bill. Heck he drove that sucker around during the whole election with it's cop suspension, cop brakes and that super cool spotlight by the window. I bet its got a bombin' radio to boot.

Francis, can I have your car? I want to be a pretend cop like you.

Maybe I'll even run for Sheriff and plaster it with stickers and stuff. Yo Francis, I want to be a pretend cop like you and I can't think what else to do. I suppose I could start dressing in tan shirts and green pants but that's a mere half the costume and without that car I might as well be a loser forest ranger.

I'd treat it real good and try not to do bad stuff in it, I'd clean it out and wipe it down, fill it with gas and tool around town. Yo Francis, I want to be a pretend cop like you and I can't think what else to do.

If anyone wants the YO mobile just let me know, I'll take out anything that might raise questions, wipe it down for prints and leave it someplace. It's got a busted window tho' because I locked the keys in it during anger management class.

TV8 bites

Disclaimer: if the word 'retard' bothers you then stop reading and go get a life. I hear its the new "N" word and I don't even know what the old "N" word was. Stupid PC crap just chaps my hide.

There is something wrong with my TV. Every time I turn it on some lamo show is on, last night it was a bleak show about Rwanda; doesn't anything good ever happen there? It had lots of nasty stuff that made me feel sick like I was gonna puke and tonight its a picture of a monkey with some guy in placenta. What the hell?

Sounds like its a radio show with video submitted because nobody listened to it on the radio. Guess what radio station it is?

Hullo TV8 tards, lake! look at the freaking lake! Just point a camera at the lake and we can all enjoy that, it looks neat mostly and sometimes a boat might go by.

Hell, I'd watch it at work just to see if some chicks in bikinis came on. Great big huge lake and its summer time, sort of, so we'd probably get to see some hotties.

Better still why don't they just air Girls Gone Wild? Ten bucks says that would improve the viewer-ship and some folks would get tricked into seeing some worthwhile public programming at the same time.

But noooo, we get to sit here watching a picture of a monkey and listening to some shrubber in placenta. And what is up with a picture of a monkey when they spell Gorilla wrong?

Now I get it, the jabbering fool was busted for shrubbery, he talks about his plants like they were some living thing that the cops hurt. How about a head of lettuce scumbag? Every been to a supermarket and seen all those poor vegetables yanked out of the ground and for what?

Bench for Sale!

The other day while tripping on mushrooms and having a great time in nature I came across this cool bench somebody had just left out in the woods. Seem like a shame to leave it there to get rained on, in June, so I ripped it outta the ground and tossed in the back of the YO mobile.

Can't imagine why it was bolted to the ground because it made it one bitch of a struggle to move and since I couldn't stop laughing the whole time because of my great find I didn't even consider that I don't have a good spot to put it in my singlewide.

Anybody want it? I'll give you a great deal or maybe we could talk trade if you have something worth trading for.

Churchlady Pokes beehive

Seems one a the local church ladies has earned the wrath of the bufoons at the nexus of Bilduhbongers and Ignorami

who believe they've identified her from a blog post. Wowee, wow wow wow. All the sweet little thing did was write down a few critical words about Francis and stand by her man, thank you Tammy, but evidently those ignoble protectors of the public trust... oops shit just snorted some Old English all over the keyboard ... don't have anything better to do than protect people from harrassment by the Sheriff by blabbing enough to prevent any retaliation and virtually ensure a lawsuit if anything naughty happens to her squeeze?

Two problems with this, first off, she doesn't work for the Sheriff and 'B' she mostly doesn't need protection from you because she's got GAWD on her side. Yep that's right. Anyway, I dialed the church lady and asked her what she thought Francis might be worried about. She was really nice and offered me some cookies but since I was on the phone I had to turn em down since I learned a long time ago you can't stuff baked goods into the phone and have em come out right. Just doesn't work.

We chatted about scripture and shit for a while and I was starting to get bored when she finally said something that made some sense right before I hung up on her. "Who do you suppose stuffed Satan's tic-tacs into Francis' waistband back there in Florida, could it be Satan?"

I sat around thinking about what she'd said and it started making me nervous. What if Francis' blog propagandists really were dangerous or worse, what if they were demons from hell coming after anyone that looked sideways at their messiah?

Hers were words worth considering I suppose, but then I'm fairly gullible, so I went out back to my secret man-grotto, where I keep all my porn and other prized possessions, to get my spare holy handgrenade of Antioch but couldn't find the flashlight so I was in there groping around for a while but finally wrapped my fingers around it, raised it and uttered the necessary prayer "O Lord, bless this thy hand grenade, that with it thou mayst blow thine enemies to tiny bits, in thy mercy."

Then I came back into the singlewide to put it in a safe place in case the hellspawn were to come knocking on my door when I looked down and noticed that instead of the prized religious artifact I'd picked up a piece of dogshit I'd been hanging on to for a while. Who knew that dogshit got fuzzy with mold if left unattended?

So here I sit, totally unarmed and scared witless, my pulse racing and my heart feeling like its gonna leap out of my chest kinda like what happens when I snort too much speed. Thanks a bunch churchlady you totally wrecked my appetite for Sunday service and I used to enjoy hanging out near the church since I figure you got pretty good odds of witnessing something special, like a virgin maybe, or at least getting a snack when they do communism.

Underclever Ops

Sheriff Francis took part in undercover training at the main office to hone his covert operations skills and avoid further complications borne from potentially getting cops killed. In recent weeks the Sheriff has received plenty of unwelcome attention from people who have a problem with police pointing guns at each other.

To prepare for the training Francis reportedly spent the lion's share of his day in his office behind closed doors coming out once to "get into character by the dumpster" according to sources close to the Sheriff. Later he emerged for some covert disguises practice (see video.)



Although the Sheriff was unavailable for comment on the training he did release a statement scrawled on the wall behind the SO over the dumpster illustrating his grasp of the new covert methods. "Stop throweng socx in the trash! food taist like feet," the statement read.

The Sheriff's covert performance makes one thing clear, he's a pretty fair actor.

Snitchless in the LC

The LC, that's cornholio speak for Lake county, has a serious snitch shortage problem in the offing. Snitches is a kinda Dr. Seussy term for what we used to call narcs in school, you know the type, somebody who wants to make themself look better by ratting out the other kids for stealing their lunch or whatever.

When I finally got out of that school the judge made me go to after I got out of Juvy I learned that 'narc' wasn't really the right word for tattletales. I was never gonna graduate from there anyways but I've been working on my GED for the last couple of decades so the future is looking bright!

Now where was I?

Oh yeah, seems the Sheriff is a might sloppy about how he "works" with the tweakers to smoke out the bigger fish. The good news is he's doing a great job at identifying them publicly so he's successful at something anyway. I wonder what 'out of work' snitches do besides wind up in shallow graves out behind Upperlake with some fresh ventilation.

Ah who cares, its just business and maybe it will make room for more snitches to get out of jail cheap.

Asleep at the Wheel

Listening to idiot-point-one this morning I got to hear a bit of classic pissed off Rob Brown, apparently Mr. Phil 'Omniexpert' Murphy had just gotten off the phone after abusing the radio audience with his demented world view and Brown just had to call and set him straight. Its not often enough that you get to hear a pompous know-it-all like Phil spout off and those moments are to be savored.

Luckily I'd made myself late for work looking for socks and swilling a liquid brunch so all I got to hear was Brown explaining what a total pill Murphy is. It was almost enough to make me reconsider calling it idiot-point-one anymore, almost.

Evidently Murphy the walnut tree killer is a bonafide expert on Bail stuff, crap all I know is the cops usually let me call one so they can make room for even more unsavory characters over at Hill road.

But I digress, so Brown is yacking away at how he knows more than Phil about what he does for a living and how these things aren't really as complicated as his pal Francis tries to make out. He said it loud and clear, if that tweaker got out on lower bail it was because the cops want to work with him. I'll pontificate more on that in another telegraph.

Ye Old English

Today started off pretty good, aside from being a pretty crappy June morning. Did my usual stuff, got dressed and headed out to do my thing for 'the man' like most days. I did have a bit of a problem finding a matching pair of socks though and felt that overwhelming sense of panic like one of those awful dreams where you show up at school naked with a boner that won't quit and have to give a presentation. I got over the panic by swilling a 40 of Schlitz, I don't usually crack Old English till around noon, hello ladies!
Two more and my nerves were calmed so I just grabbed the top two stockings, what you rubes probably call socks, pulled em on and got behind the wheel of the YO mobile for the drive to my GOB job.
I should have known something wasn't quite right when the radio spooled out some calm voices coming from idiot point one but couldn't change the station because I don't like to take my hands off the wheel while drinking and driving so I was doomed.
Got to work around an hour late like usual and discovered what was to ruin my day.
One of those damn socks had slid down and into my shoe while I was driving. I'd been so preoccupied with being pissed off at the radio show I hadn't noticed that damn slippery sock sneaking into my shoe.
Have you got any idea how hard it is to hop on one foot pulling up a sock when you're half drunk and trying to avoid your boss?
I bet you don't.
Anyway, I'm just so good I managed to make it into my office without falling more than twice. Soon I was responding to the piled up voicemails and emails and getting around to check out how my team was getting on. By the time I'd made a brief check-in and had a smoke that damn sock was in my shoe again and really irritating me. I contemplated going barefoot but all the thinking made me drowsy so I just put the conference call sign on my door, locked it and took a nap.
That nap really did the trick, I didn't wake up till half past five  so all I had left to do was go home and figure out what to do with the sock.
Driving home I let my mind wander hoping I'd either figure out what to do with the sock or wreck the YO mobile so I could take some vacation when I realized the radio was still on idiot point one and it hit me.
Sock puppet theatre!
Now  where did I leave those Old English?

Coming soon to a blog near you - Sock Puppet Theatre!

You think politics stink you've never whiffed my sock puppets.

Wheels of Justice

This casino surveillance video depicts a horrifying biker confrontation at Konocti Vista Casino Saturday in which this outlaw biker was was injured by a rival outlaw biker gang, according to Sheriff Francis.

Gang colors and 'patches' are clearly visible in the surveillance video as the outlaw biker is descended upon by the rival biker gang, the Sheriff said.

According to the Sheriff the bikers were allowed to confront each other because DA Donny Anderson protected their civil rights the last time the rival gangs were known to be in the area.

Sheriff Francis' sent deputies to the casino after the altercation to make sure the injured biker got his ass whipped severely enough to make him cry because as far as Francis is concerned Bikers don't have rights like the rest of his law-abiding convicted felon friends.

Francis did not send an army of Law Enforcement to prevent the two gangs from mixing it up at the indian casino.

The last time Bikers entered the county Sheriff Francis called out the entire Sheriff's department, CHP, Lakeport PD and the Fish and Game on the off chance the bikers were going to do some fishing in downtown Lakeport where the white people hang out.

Count Choculitis

Been thinking about the programming on TV8. Mostly thinking how it blows chunks but looking for any kind of value in the torrent of absurdity they air.

One night I was having some trouble sleeping so instead of laying there grumpy and sleepless I got up and turned on channel 8. I'd never seen a full blown conspiracy show before and as luck would it have one was on so I set up on the couch with a bowl of Count Chocula and learned all about how my country works, according to the show's producer.

It was interesting to see how the show's producer connected the dots all the way around to show me that a really small group of people are working to mold the world in their own twisted vision. Thank God, I'd thought it was largely a random series of events resulting from billions of people all trying to put food on the table.

People like me with my Count Chocula.

So I started looking around the LC for examples of it. Gadzooks! We have our own super secret domination groups here. I'm not talking about the kind of domination where some hot chick in leather or a teacher outfit lifts your spirits, if you get my drift.

This domination is more like they are convinced they know how to control and mold the social and political landscapes because they figure its all fubar since most of 'em just got here in the past few years and can't tolerate the indigenous culture they invaded.

Only problem is the groups don't have cool names like the groups in the show. I shoveled in a spoonful of the Count's chocolaty deliciousness, focused on it for a minute and considered what these groups would be called if I did a documentary about them like the guy in the TV8 show did.

The paranoid producer got it easy because the groups he was working on were already named and I had to start from scratch. On TV  the groups have cool names like 'Illuminati' and 'Bilderger.' They are made up of overlapping groups with shared interests in making sure I don't know jack.

Like the global players, the overarching local group appears to be made up of at least two subgroups with overlaps kind of like a Venn diagram. One of the circles dominated by shrubbers and their entourage and another by people who drool. Combined they comprise a ragtag crew that is convinced that Sheriff Francis is the messiah.

Heres a Venn diagram to illustrate my scholarly efforts.

Shrubbers and Droolers are nice but as names go they lack dignity that will stand the test of time and aren't the kinds of names you'd put in a doctoral thesis so I came up with "Buildabongers" and "Ignorami" to make em sound more highfalutin'.

Here's what that diagram looks like (I spelled Buildabongers phoenetically for the image.)

Syrup for your waffle Francis?

Saturday our pusillanimous Sheriff was more slippery than a well-oiled midget and completely unable to accept any responsibility for his role in the problems he's facing during the radio show with Herb Gura. Gura, to his credit, didn't simply give Francis a pass and even told him he wanted to forego the usual mutual appreciation crap and ask some questions.

After a bit Francis asked what the "angst" was about leading to the questions. Guess he's schizo on top of sociopathic and doesn't know what his alter ego is up to.

Gura tried to suggest that Francis the Sheriff should appreciate the concept of trying to work with other officials but didn't seem to make a dent in Francis' inability to put things in perspective.

A couple of Francis' klingons called to suck up and then the show got lively. Suck-up number two needs to get a better cellphone because the shitty one he was using is probably the cause of the brain tumor that he clearly suffers from. The reception sucked too.

The sounds of a sobbing infant heralded Rob Brown's call into the station during a call with Ron Green and it wasn't clear whether Green was crying or not but it turned out that Brown was playing baby sitter or day care and did the show with wailing child accompaniment.

Apparently Brown, Rivero and Gura had been exchanging some pointed emails just prior to the show and the studio was transformed into Rivero's house of waffle.
Brown pinned Rivero to the mat but he squirmed, wiggled and managed to completely avoid giving straight answers though he did say he says whats on his mind.

I figure Francis has some serious synapse problem or something of the sort since the boy just couldn't track right and never did provide a solid answer, the apology Rob is angling for anything resembling gravitas.

The show ended too soon just as Brown was schooling Francis on who investigates whom.

Just another freaky day in the weird zone though it appears that KPFZ may be making the first awkward lurches toward redemption. Herb, you gave it the old college try but reasoning with the insane is simply not possible.

Investigators top growth career in Lake

The unemployed can take some solace in the fact that an entire industry has seen explosive growth since the new sheriff got to town. Investigations, internal and otherwise are at all time highs.

This gets a little confusing and don't count on me to help explain it clearly but it goes something like this. First the Sheriff pissed off a bunch of people all over the place by managing to arrange to have cops drawn down, cop lingo, on other cops.

A whole bunch of people told one story and the Sheriff told several different stories so the DA decided to start an investigation. Not to be outdone, read penis envy, the Sheriff decided to hold his own investigation about the thing and he invited the clearlake chief to help out.

Unfortunately for Francis the Clearlake chief hadn't forgotten about his cops winding up in the OK corral a week earlier so he told Francis to pound sand. Maybe Francis forgot he'd said not too long ago he was going to arrest the Clearlake chief so its not really surprising that guy isn't exactly crawling over broken glass to lend Francis a hand.

Fool me once shame on you, fool me twice... won't get fooled again or something.

That only made Francis madder so he then decided to go ahead and investigate the DA because now he's decided he's a crook too. At least he posted some really snotty press release on nixle calling the DA out and complaining to some state agency.

Anyway I count at least four current investigations on that angle alone and I'm thinking I'll start my own investigative firm so I don't have to spend so much time sitting around in my underwear drinking beer and cruising the local blogs.

That doesn't even count all the other investigations Francis has started on his own management. I'm thinking there has got to be lots of paper floating around and all these guys should be ashamed that they are destroying whole forests.

When the going gets weird the weird turn pro

Recently our Sheriff Francis went on the local community radio - idiot point one - and essentially went cracker-dog defending some really super dooper dumb stuff he's recently done and calling everyone who points out his blunders liars or fools.

He named cops, the DA, a local news person and a county Supervisor. Hearing the Sheriff essentially calling a county Supervisor a criminal made for good radio but a few days later we found out the Sheriff hisself was the target of an investigation by the DA over a couple of recent issues.

One basis for investigation is a possible civil rights problem in which the Sheriff had sent deputies racing code 3, whatever that is, to the county line to stop a motorcycle gang from entering the county. Some people say thats a crime, the Sheriff says it isn't because the motorcycle gang they didn't catch was the Hell's Angels.

That remind anyone else of that old saying , or maybe it was a movie line, 'the greatest trick the devil pulled was convincing us he doesn't exist' or something approximating that anyway.

Another problem for the Sheriff happened in the town of Clearlake where the Sheriff decided to execute a black-ops style bust without telling the Clearlake cops who were alerted to a possible home invasion and showed up pointing guns at other cops. Ooops.

The cops that had guns pointed at them and the cops pointing the guns all said it was a bad thing. The Sheriff said it was no big deal.

Then he went on the radio and called them all liars. Generally I don't have a lot of time for such complete assholes but this stuff is really entertaining.

Better badge contest!

Hey everyone, looks like Francis' kid drew this badge for the good folks over at the jail because he didn't like the fact that they might be confused with real cops. Oh yeah and because they didn't vote for him. Here it is-

Don't tell Francis, cuz I don't want him stealing my coffee pot or donuts, but I think that badge sucks ass so I made a couple I like better.

This one is my favorite! Hell who needs coffee with a cool badge like that? Prison babes are HOT!

I think this whole gun discrimination thing is stupid and a real slap in the face to Darwin. Give everyone a gun and let the cards fall where they may! Who knows what the outcome might be. My hunch is the world wold be safer if it were only populated by crack shots. Just my .02 cents.