Never be Afeared Agin

Used to be us lake living types had all sorts of stuff to worry bout. These days its all good though ever since Francis has been around to save us from the scary things other places have.

Like Saber Tooth tigers, f'rinstance.

Pretend Saber Tooth Tiger

I haven't seen a single Saber Tooth tiger since Francis has been taking care of business. There's lots of other threats we don't see too much of either.

Misfit doorjambs cower at the thought of his big 'ol gun, no space aliens at all and even the volcano hasn't erupted once since francis has been on the job.

And if you are a pot smoking kid looking to score a fat three gram sack you better think twice since duh Sharuf will make sure you get your ass kicked on a regular basis and that every other kid at school knows your a snitch.

He'll make it so your house gets egged or some flaming poop waits on the doorstep.

And your folks can blame it all on you.

If your even dumber and try to turn that kid on you can bet your boots somebody will get their car jacked by that guy in the forest ranger outfit.

Pretend flaming bag 'o poop

Best of all, we don't have to worry about pretend motorcyclers not coming anywhere near the county. Don't worry about the ones you do see since Francis is only here to protect us from the imaginary ones.

He's even protecting us from that stupid old Constitution deal so we can sleep safe knowing that Francis has snipers out on the hills around the county looking out for phantom bikers. Who wants to extend Constitutional privilege to ghost bikers anyway?

Take that Federal Government!

Now Donny DA, he kinda missed the point. Just because Francis went down to stop the pretend bikers and halt traffic on the highway why should that be any big deal since how can you violate the rights of people that dont exist? I don't really get that part but supposedly it has something to do with intent.

Who cares what the plan was, it was a great time for everybody except maybe those guys that nearly wet themselves in a three car smashup on the way to the pretend party. Francis should file an IA on those guys to find out why they were going so fast to get there.

The Doorjamb's Revenge

Nobody really likes going to court. Well maybe some judges who get to be all judgey and stuff but for most of us it just means missing our favorite channel 8 show on how to grow weed in secret.

Et mendax est Poobah.

Its all bad waiting to find out if your recreational activities are gonna win you the three hots and a cot lottery or just a fine you aren't gonna pay anyhow.

Seems like Francis isn't hip to spending his spare time in court either so he figured out a smooth maneuver to keep him from sitting on those hard chairs waiting for his name to be called.

There's some kinda list that you can get your name on so you don't have to go to court if your a cop. I don't know if it works for jury duty but I'm looking into whether us citizens can get on this list and save the trouble of dreaming up some excuse to not do your cervical duty.

That list is a get out of court free card from what I can tell and Francis laid the groundwork to get on it by telling different stories depending on who he was talking to. Now he doesn't have to go to court anymore. Sweet. I think I'm gonna call KPFZ next time he's on there and ask him how I can get on the list.

Evidently for him it means he'll get to spend more time in his office screwing around with his propaganda blog and working on schemes to unseat supervisors and stuff. He won't have to go out in the county and do crime stuff anymore at all.

Now I don't know if its a joke but supposedly the name of the list is Brady, like that show from when I was a kid. Not really sure why they named some list after a TV show but it sure sounds like a sweet deal. Over on his propaganda blog they got so excited about it they wrote some poems and songs and stuff in honor of Francis' cleverness.

Here's one that kinda sounds like that show:

Here's the story,
Of a lying Sheriff,
Who has some major problems with the truth.
Most things he says are fabricated,
Like their speaker,
The biggest ones pure bull.

Here's the story,
Of a man named Francis,
Who was busy telling falsehoods all his own.
He told lots and lots of big lies,
Trying to convince us, but they were all just fibs.

Till the one day when the DA met this fellow,
and they knew their was much more than a hunch.
That this group,
Must somehow form a family.
That's the way Francis joined the Brady Bunch,
The Brady Bunch, the Brady Bunch
That's the way he joined the Brady Bunch.

Three Gram Conspiracy or Grand Theft Auto

A few weeks back I went for a walk in my neighbhorhood looking for a skunk that was fouling up the singlewide and got caught in a pungent haze obscuring my perception. Disoriented and feeling the need for a snack I started on my way home but it took me a while and I wandered the streets and hills looking for the singlewide. Just the other day through the haze of smoke and skunky smell I finally spotted the domicile and noticed that somebody had altered the steps a bit.

I guess they changed the locks while fixing the deck since my key didn't fit anymore and it wasn't until I was in the kitchen getting together a snack that I realized I'd wandered into someone else's singlewide. I picked up a few items to aid and sustain me on my quest to find my own pad and struck out again into the haze.

Turns out I was just a couple of blocks from Casa Dishevel so I didn't have to carry the bounty for long and now I've got a semi-used X-Box and some newish clothes for the long winter.

I sure hope whoever lives in that other singlewide don't mind me making a mess in their kitchen and breaking the back window.

After sleeping for several days to shake off the affects of the skunky haze I picked up the news and read about how Sharuf Francis has busted a huge criminal gang of pot dealers corrupting our nation's youth.

Four kids conspired to sell some other kid a couple of doobies but some confidential informant gave em up to the Sharuf.

Back in my day we'd keep those deals on the down low and not involve a bunch of people to hand off a doobie or two.

I was impressed at how Francis used some unconventional tactics to lasso the conspirators and get those three grams of weed off the streets. Don't know that my neighborhood would even notice a missing three gram supply but at least the Sharuf is doing something about these teen age cartels.

Kinda like emptying the lake with a teaspoon.

Too bad about those unconventional tactics though, seems that kidnapping and car theft aren't traditionally accepted forms of law enforcement. Stuff like that fouls up fantastic narco busts like this three gram haul and pretty much everybody but Francis agreed he probably got a little too excited. Who could blame him, the Task Force was outta town so it was all up to Francis to track down the teen cartel. 

I heard that snitch kid is getting his clock cleaned on a regular basis by all his other friends that don't want their three gram stashes ratted out.

Cave diving

This is neat. The spelunkers crack technical squad took a break from being nerds and did something useful. The cave geeks did some kinda voo-doo and got a list of the top searches that brought mystery visitors over to find out what's up with the cave.

Down the list after what you'd expect they noticed some unexpected findings. So we made a top ten list of coolest searches that found the cave.

• "getting his hair permed"
• killed kenny
• penile implant
• francis this i dont hate
• i don't need anger management i need people to stop pissing me off
• gay smokey bear images 
• ostrich
• crazy voter
• a sign that says lake closed 
• sock puppets

We can't say for sure that they were looking for this particular cave but it would appear that whatever they were looking for they stumbled into the shadows and made us chuckle.

Let us hope that the cave has changed some lives. Then again who cares?

Fence Cowboy

Riding a fence isn't such a bad thing, it kinda makes it so that no matter what happens you can always say you were with the winners. Course some folks will call you a spineless wieny and they'd be right.

Just so we're clear, fence-riding and waffling aren't the exact same thing. They're related but a little bit different. Generally a waffler is somebody who says they said something different when everybody already heard them say something else. Francis is a waffler for example like when everybody heard him yell about pepper spray then he later on said 'something shiny' after he shot that poor door jamb to death.

A fence cowboy is more like Supervisor Tony only he doesn't have spurs or a cool hat or stuff. Tony is more like that little train that keeps trying to go up that hill and someday he probably will pass the bar but so far he's still at the "I think I can" part of the project and whoever grades that deal just hasn't had a meeting of the minds with him yet.

Those jailer guys got a real taste of Tony on fenceback when moments after he voted agin 'em he took the opportunity to tell 'em he really was on their side. The vote only took about 5 seconds then 'ol Tony spent around three minutes clarifying his vote so everybody knows he wasn't really voting agin 'em but was voting for... well he never really got to that part but we figure Francis understood.

We assembled a team of waffle wranglers and fence riding experts here in the Cave to review some game clips to see whether Tony was waffling or fence riding at that meeting and whaddya know, we think he did both.

This clip shows what we figure is a pretty good example of fence riding as Tony explains how he voted against the jailer guys because he has so much respect for em. Sorta like that guy that nails the prom-queen and tells her "yah, I'll respect ya in the morning." I bet she didn't need a shower as bad as they did afterward though.



Tony isn't the only fence cowboy around though; we here at the cave change our minds from time to time and we believe that Tony is also a waffler. Not that we have anything against waffles here at the cave but we usually have ours with some high fructose corn syrup so they go down smoother.

The Wrecking Ball

Poor Francis, he was planning on having a gala event during the holidays to celebrate all his amazing successes but a couple of curveballs caught him in the groin and fouled up his clever holiday plan.

The first nutcracker was that business about successes, lots of folks can be successful with all kinds of things in ten months but Francis... well not so much.

How do ya like me now?

The other nutcracker is that there aren't enough folks left over at Poobah central to have any kinda classy ball. He tried to get names for the guest list but those darn deputies are all in touch and since everybody in the state knows too much about Francis already nobody stepped up to the guillotine but the Patador.

Speaking of the Patador, has anybody even seen that guy lately?

So Francis had to come up with a new plan for the gala. He baked it up late one night with Tom and Bruce like a kitchen full of girl scouts getting ready to go out and sell tons of cookies. Those guys reall do like to bake a lot but those Dang girl scouts never come over to the singlewide anymore since that last time.

The new deal kinda broadens the scope of the gala to include just about everthing Francis has accomplised so he can celebrate both side of the coin since the success side is pretty much an empty slate waiting for some kinda action.

That other side of the coin on the other hand well that side has plenty of stuff to list so Francis is going to throw a Wrecking Ball!

Yep, that's the big plan. He's mashed up all the working relationships the SO ever had and destroyed enough stuff to fill one heck of a speech during the Wrecking Ball. Francis is fond of being the center of attention so this will give hime something to do while all his guests are outside smoking. He can name all the careers he's ended and list all the budget numbers he fouled up then light a match to celebrate all the bridges he burnt to the ground.

Its gonna be one heckuva party.

Where's Waldo?

Examine this video closely and see if you can guess who's missing. What we have here is recognition of a local hometown hero guy. Francis has only been around a short while so he doesn't realize that shootings and hostage situations aren't the norm like wherever the heck he came from so he didn't even bother to tell Andy that he would be getting an award.

No Time Like the Present

This gal has plenty to say but the oppressive gubmint rule dudes only provide three minutes so she makes her point quick-like.

Stump Speech

Some gal with an expired possum for a hairdo has decided she's gonna be the among the next crop of supervisors and to launch her bid she went out and showed the current people that do that just how much smarter she is.

In this clip we learn that, according to the mosslady, the serious boyz in the washington hood really do think its okay if we grow pot.

Just wait til Francis finds out about all this since he's been letting some guys masquerading as Federal troopers with helicopters and stuff go around scooping up all the hillside shrubs. Boy is he gonna be embarrassed.

Such a thorough command of native laws and stuff really does make the mosslady smarter since nobody else knew that, not even the lawyer in the room. Mosslady, you sure showed them!

Welcome to Salem

LCSO gets new decor.

Francis has decided that modern times are just too much of a chore what with all the need for evidence and due process and all that guff. So filled with disdain is he that he's decided to turn the clock back to the 1690s.

"The Salem witch trials established a more effective method of enforcement that I think we've all forgotten," Francis said during a recent press conference to announce his current approach to governance.

Francis has put the entire Sheriff's place on notice that nobody will be overlooked and only true loyalty, certified by blood oath, will save one from the newly installed stocks out front of Poobah Central or getting tossed into the lake to see if you float or sink.

Floating is bad since that means you are guilty of whatever Francis wants while sinking proves your innocence but you drown so its a win-win. To sit on the selection tribunal, Francis got together his hand picked campaign staff including Olga Martin Steele, Tom Carter, Bruce Forsythe, Mary Beth Strong, Becky Curry and Pill Murphy.

BFF Tom greeted the new good old boy way of doing things with a cheer and after putting down his bong said "This is so cool, once I get back from 'the big house' I'm going to rename Upper Lake to Salem, since I'm the mayor I can do that."

Nobody has told Tom that he isn't really the mayor.

The current batch of witches isn't known since Francis hasn't gotten around to naming them yet but they are probably some of the same ones he accused of atrocities and war-crimes back before he won the mandate of the county. On that occasion he was probably able to identify all the witches because they turned their backs on him and left the room for fear of being exposed.

Dissenters of the new good old boy way of doing things are concerned that insufficient evidence of witchcraft exists today and point to missing criteria for the work of Satan like smallpox, admission of spectral evidence and convulsive ergotism.

Unphased by concerns about his approach Francis says his own presence proof positive that Satan is alive and well in Lake because "where there's minions there's mephistopheles," he said, "wooorship meeee!"

According to Francis' flower a month calendar hangings by lottery are scheduled for early next year.

Ranger Francis announced his witch hunt with this press release: Ranger Francis witch hunt kickoff flyer

Pat's European Holiday

One week into his shiny new GOB job, Francis' new undersheriff headed off to Spain to score a pair of swanky matador pants for Ranger Francis.

Francis' flower a month calendar.

Unfortunately Pat didn't get back in time for the 5th Annual Jarepeo and that really ticked Francis off last week, we all noticed he was really angry about something and all grumbly and shouty and stuff but didn't know why until we learned about the matador pants and then it all clicked.

At first we thought maybe he was mad that Pat went on a two-week holiday a week after starting work but that wasn't it at all. We bugged Francis' office so we could listen in.

Pat was on a super dooper secret squirrel mission to get Francis those matador pants so he could wear them to the 5th Annual Jarepeo. Francis really wanted to go to the 5th Annual Jarepeo because it rhymes with the name of one of Francis' heros - Joe Arpaio.

Ranger Francis had fears that at the 5th Annual Jarepeo he wouldn't be the absolute center of attention so he sent Pat off to get those pants.

Pat squeezes into Francis' matador pants.

Francis really wanted those pants for the 5th Annual Jarepeo because they fit real snug just like President Bush's 'mission accomplished' pants and show off his junk.

Only Pat didn't come back in time for the 5th Annual Jarepeo.

Pat called Francis during the week to tell him that he was running late for the 5th Annual Jarepeo and when he heard the sniveling disappointment in Francis' voice he realized Francis needed those pants like yesterday and he was going to have to really step it up a notch to impress his new boss.

Pat models his swanky Patador outfit.

So instead of buying just one pair of matador pants and risking the wrath of Ranger Francis, Pat bought two pairs of matador pants and then found a really fantastic paella recipe so he and Francis could each put on a pair of matador pants and talk about their brilliant future together over a steaming pile of paella and some chilled San Miguel.

About this vacation deal. How come at my GOB job I had to wait three flipping months before I could take a break but Pat gets to go on holiday after a week?

I bet Pat thinks he's the teacher's pet or something. Boy is he gonna be surprised when Francis rolls him under the bus at the first stop and he gets his cool new matador pants messy. On the bright side Pat looks pretty good in those pink matador pants.

Its kinda too bad he won't be at the 6th Annual Jarepeo to show off his smokin' hot Patador outfit.

Stockboy Missing, Possibly Forgotten

The leader of Francis' propaganda blog has gone missing and is believed to be vacant. Known to most as Asswipe, Bruce the blogger hasn't been seen for weeks. He was last seen scratching his groin and stocking feminine hygiene products at a local market.

No search has been suggested as nobody really misses asswipes when they go missing.

When reached for comment, Francis cursed, took a long draw from a bottle containing a foul-smelling brown fluid and wiped his mouth on his sleeve before stating "asswipe's are what makes this county strong. If it weren't for that asswipe I'd have to do all the posting on my blog. I don't think Tom will have much time for this going forward."

At the local market where asswipe was last seen a climate of jubilation clung to the air like some sort of holiday cheer. The owner of that establishment ruminated over the loss of his stockboy "I can't believe my luck, it's not as easy firing people as it used to be so that asswipe really did me a favor."

Possible suspect in missing asswipe case.

Local detectives have been unable to gain traction on any leads that might indicate what happened to the asswipe but are focusing on this photograph.

 "Something about this guy doesn't add up so we're keeping an eye on him," the detective said, "Honestly, I'd rather chew tinfoil than work this case."

Anyone with information regarding the missing asswipe are welcome to call Francis on his cell phone.

The Brothers Glitch

Okay, no idea who these guys are but they sent a badge over to the cave for our critical analysis and inclusion in Ranger Francis' arsenal of badges and f'd up sound.

Yeah, we broke it.

The glitchlings seem to be practitioners of malfunctioning technology and scratched records and stuff and that's what they do. The sound is kinda foul but what kinda sound would you expect from a busted whatchacallit. Its not exactly punk or techno but kinda combines all the stuff that gets edited out of what some people call music so I guess its good for the environment since that crap won't wind up in the landfill.

Its better than that disco polo shit some people are dancing to in parking garages. When I'm in a dancing mood I usually spin up some old school, throw on the favorite combat boots, leap around like a crazed orangutan on speed and maybe get a bruise or two from flailing like I fell down a set of stairs or whatever. I guess that makes the shrubber a retro foreigner or just a musical hazard.

Let's have a fun dance party! 

But the badge is pretty cool and the rest of the spelunkers like it plenty so we decided to go ahead and delete those guys and just post the badge. Next time something breaks and starts making whack noise I'm gonna cut these guys a track and watch it go platinum.

Glitch on you crazy diamonds and thanks for the badge.

For whom the bell tolls?

Ranger Francis likes accountability every now and then.

Mostly when he likes that accountability deal its so he can blame somebody else for something since the way he looks at stuff is its just not that easy to point at himself the way his arm bends. 

So he always points at somebody else.

Ranger Francis practicing.

He's had a lot of pointing practice and is always looking for someone to point at so he can get everybody paying attention to something pointless and nobody points at him.

He'll be doing plenty of finger pointing for a while now since Donny DA is getting ready to turn in his homework assignment about Francis. Donny's homework was to figure out what went wrong when those Clearlake cops pointed guns at those Deputy guys.

Francis doesn't care about Donny's homework since he already turned his in. So now he's gonna try to make Donny look silly for turning his homework in second. Like Francis says "second place is the first loser."

Donny's homework is overdue but maybe that's since took a shot at the extra credit assignment and had it graded by the Agricultural General or somebody with those initials.

For a while everybody thought maybe Francis had made some kinda mistake by sneaking down into Clearlake without telling anybody and taking some guy hostage till Francis bought his own homework assignment from some guys and their homework showed what nobody guessed could be true.

Francis didn't make a mistake at all, according to that homework he bought. Instead it turned out that those Clearlake cop guys goofed up since they didn't know that Francis had snuck down into Clearlake with those deputies.

He paid more for that homework then I did for the Yo Mobile, course I had to pay for it myself and nobody dished out any tax money to help me get wheels.

Turns out those whacky Clearlake cop guys should have called up the dispatcheria to ask where everybody was before they went over to see what was going on with the fako hostage situation.

Then they would have known that Francis was  sneaking

It's a secret.

around in Clearlake. Only it was supposed to be super dooper secret squirrel deal so probably the guy over at the dispatcheria was busy having a snack and didn't even know.

Francis is also fond of changing uniform stuff because his deal is that perception is reality and he doesn't really care for the less complimentary aspects of raw reality without some kind of nifty filter to make it seem better for him.

That's why he has a sweet radio gig on idiot-point-one so he can share his version of reality without being abused by that raw reality stuff. He's even got his campaign manager helping him out to shape his message.

We got an old bucket from out back of the single wide and a paint stirrer and combined his passion for accountability with his perception is reality outlook and poured it out on the driveway to see what might happen.

Mostly it was just a pile of stinking goo but after a bit in the sun the goo started to congeal into shapes that might make for some good badges for Francis.

Each badge has its own particular better use, the two finger pointer badge is great for everyday use and formal cop day stuff while the special four finger pointer badge is more like for those busy days when the you-know-what is really hitting the fan and there's lots of extra blamin' to do.

For special occasions and everyday.

Attack of the Clones or Droids at Babylon?

Somewhere a sprinkler's parents are asking themselves "why, oh why didn't we use a condom?"

Join us as 'Rainbird the one-nut wonder' takes us on a magical trip through the joys of pharmacologically induced imagination that you too can experience in lieu of reality.

The Phone Call

Watch as suspicions form about what Francis and Tom might be up to in this suspense filled newsreel.

Will the truth about Francis and Tom be revealed? Will anyone ever get to have a six foot fence again? And what about that crappy perm? Don't miss out as these questions and others may be answered for the boy that Francis brought to Lake.

The Buck Stops Here

Lake County is a dangerous, scary place. If you aren't careful most anything can kill you here. From his short career in urban San Francisco, Ranger Francis understands the evil that lurks behind the ferns up there in Cobb so he always carrys a spare clip.

Just in case.

Recently, Ranger Francis courageously saved an innocent Hell's Angel from certain death at the hands of a ferocious fawn. The outlaw biker was on his way to church when from nowhere a rabid, acrobatic, meth addict deer leaped onto his motorcycle in a clear attempt at a hog-jacking.

The biker's hands were torn from his ape-hanger handle bars and he was thrown to the ground and faced certain death at the hooves of Bambi.

Just as death was preparing to fuel the Sheriff's crematorium Ranger Francis happened along the bloody scene and measured up the freakish situation he'd stumbled into.

Ranger Francis had to act fast to save the angel and pulled his 40 cal from its holster, drew down on the wounded baby deer and blew it away. Dirty Harry would have been proud.

In a gesture that caught everyone off-guard, Ranger Francis took full responsibility for his part in the heroic bloodbath by calling his squeeze at the local paper to let her know that he had once again saved the day.

Listen to the audio captured by an onlooker and notice that Ranger Francis fells Satan's spawn fawn with a single shot and reloads to make sure the biker's life was spared.



Holstering his weapon with a manly swagger, Sheriff Francis promised to onlookers that he would pressure that lefty commie loving DA into setting up roadblocks at county lines to make sure no more dangerous wildlife enters the county.

Detectives at the scene confirmed that several ferns, a barn door and an entire wooded area were also wounded.

Honorary spelunkers contributed to this article.

Coif de Jour

 WARNING: THIS CLIP CONTAINS BAD HAIRCUTS

 

 You may feel the need to share this horrifying haircut. And while the spelunkers don't encourage sharing in any form here it is anyway: http://youtu.be/KmL9BaOGeHI

 Now remember, we didn't say to share this. So if you do its not our fault if somebody pees their pants or stuff.

Peppers and Mayhem

I kinda like spicy grub sometimes, not all the time but every now and again I'll get one of those Santa Fe chalupa deals over at El Taco de Bell if they're doing one of those cool deals where they give you extra stuff like a giant size soda or a side of those nachos with those spicy peppers all smothered in that plasto cheese sauce stuff or whatever.

29.5% of daily fat!

I'm more likely to take the bait if its not one of those monster sodas though since most of the time when I get one I can't finish the whole thing before it gets all warm and nasty so I leave it someplace in the singlewide and the next thing I know theres an flotilla of ants crawling around in my Cap'n Crunch and I don't notice til after the first big bite. I used to wonder why they were so spicy until it had happened so many times the novelty totally wore off and now I struggle to swallow the cereal once I discover its been colonized by those 8 legged cereal lovin' bastards.

Why do they like my cereal so much anyway? They never eat any as far as I can tell and there's usually some dead soldier left in there littered about like ice cream sprinkles when they move on to wherever it is they go when they're done screwing around in my cereal so its not like its good for them. Whatever, its enough for me to just wonder at the mysteries.

Anyway, like I was saying I like authentic spicy food like El Taco de Bell because they use those little peppers that look pretty fierce but are really just only slightly more alarms than your average pickle. Not the sweet pickles though since those aren't spicy at all.

I think they call those peppers halapaino or something.

There's this other kinda pepper I've never tried because somebody warned me that it wasn't the kind of spicy I was acquainted with and it might create issues during the morning consitutional, if you know what I mean. I was reminded of that other pepper the other day when I was reading that news blog place that isn't the Bee. Since the Bee went to the five story limit I've had to give up my love of reading all those columns they write. I really liked those because they aren't hard to read.

Hostile pepper

Now I'm stuck with the other one where they write on and on and on in those long stories that have every freakin' detail I didn't care about in the first place. At least they have comments over there so when I get bored with the story I can find out what's really going on. Its almost as much fun as reading Francis' propaganda blog but I don't want to comment there because they don't seem to have much of a sense of humor and they might ban me like they did with the Scrubbing Bubble only I don't have a radio show to go whine about it.

Which brings me to my point.


Those other peppers I haven't tried are spelled just like that guys name that shot that other guy over some gal but I don't really know the details since the story was too long but I guess he was a hot-head and that kinda makes sense since he's named after a pepper.

My TV sucks

Its expensive running stuff. Stuff like a Sheriff's office must be really expensive. It takes plenty of clams to keep one of those things running when times are good. Now that times aren't so good it must be even harder so a good manager needs to make every penny count and be careful not to miss out on sweet funding opportunities.

LCSO xerascaping victim

Ranger Francis probably has figured this out by now and that would explain why he quit watering the landscaping out at the old Sheriff's Office place and at the substations. I haven't seen the one over in Lucerne lately but some guy pointed out that its nice that the place is all color coordinated because the grass matches the paint on the building now that all the grass has died.

Same thing over at Poobah central.


I guess Francis did his checkbook and figured out that the Indian money he blew off could be made up by not watering the plants and getting rid of all those officer dudes that used to work for him. I guess it must be kinda lonely sitting out there with all the dead grass but at least there aren't too many other cops around so its not like like the dead lawn is a regular topic of conversation.

Tommy climbing

Seems those heroic cost saving measures aren't enough though so Francis figured out another way to save money by cutting off the cable to the board of supervisors so they don't have to spend that money putting stuff on TV like those grievance hearings, for instance.

The only weird thing is that he didn't just call up mediacom and tell em to turn it off. He got his BFF Tommy to come over with his ladder and they chopped off the cable with his scissors. I guess that's what an action figure, protocol hating guy like Ranger Francis does when he wants something done. Don't mess around, just chop off that cable we'll save enough money to water the lawn or something.

Imagine my surprise when I flipped on the old RCA and nothing happened.

Stupid TV.

After I threw some hard boiled eggs at it it dawned on me that Ranger Francis did that to save the county money because it sure couldn't have had anything to do with sabotaging those televised grievance hearings. I kinda wanted to watch those but Ranger Francis knows what's best for me so I just sat around playing with my stinky old tony and denise sock puppets that I got on sale when Olivia's closed after those mean old gubmint dudes made Tom plead guilty.

Sock puppets are neat!

When Francis got Bruce

This is a transcript of the day when Bruce was given to Francis by his trusted friend Tom.

This bruce I got here was first purchased by your great-grandfather during the first World War. It was bought in a little general store in Knoxville, Tennessee. Made by the first company to ever make bruces. Up till then people just carried pocket bruces.

It was bought by private Doughboy Ernie Coolidge on the day he set sail for Paris. It was your great-grandfather's bruce and he wore it everyday he was in that war. When he had done his duty, he went home to your great-grandmother, took the bruce off, put it an old coffee can, and in that can it stayed 'til your granddad Dane Coolidge was called upon by his country to go overseas and fight the Germans once again.

This time they called it World War II. Your great-grandfather gave this bruce to your granddad for good luck. Unfortunately, Dane's luck wasn't as good as his old man's. Dane was a Marine and he was killed -- along with the other Marines at the battle of Wake Island. Your granddad was facing death, he knew it.

None of those boys had any illusions about ever leavin' that island alive. So three days before the Japanese took the island, your granddad asked a gunner on an Air Force transport name of Winocki, a man he had never met before in his life, to deliver to his infant son, who he'd never seen in the flesh, this bruce.

Three days later, your granddad was dead.

But Winocki kept his word. After the war was over, he paid a visit to your grandmother, delivering to your infant father, his Dad's bruce. This bruce. This bruce was with your Daddy when he was shot down over Hanoi. He was captured, put in a Vietnamese prison camp.

Bruce in nature

He knew if the bloggers ever saw the bruce it'd be confiscated, taken away. The way your Dad looked at it, that bruce was your birthright. He'd be damned if any bloggers were gonna put their greasy yella hands on his boy's birthright.

So he hid it in the one place he knew he could hide something. His ass.

Five long years, he wore this bruce up his ass. Then he died of dysentery, he gave me the bruce. I hid this ignorant little bruce up my ass two years. Then, after seven years, I was sent home to my family. And now, little francis, I give the bruce to you.

And with that, an idolatry that would last beyond an election season was unleashed onto the face of the planet.

Scrubbing Bubble Pops Gasket

A Philadelphia reject found his way on to Idiot-Point-One today in a curious effort to spew his opinion in which he was only successful in violating that cardinal sin of opening one's mouth to reveal what a fool he is.

Scrubbing Bubble Esquire

Ron Green Esquire, known to many as the walking Scrubbing Bubble, decided it was a good idea to consume some airwaves with his misguided impressions of what the First Amendment is all about. Fortunately some less stoned folks were around to school him and let him know what most folks think of the guy.

His plan was to rail against a website that had blocked him and couch his bruised ego in grandiose claims of First Amendment wrongdoing. The host of the show, Steve Elias, explained to the Scrubbing Bubble that no, the First Amendment isn't his personal sockpuppet and that what it really means is that Freedom of the Press belongs to them that owns the presses.
Steve further went on to point out that he wished he'd know that the Scrubbing Bubble was going to name businesses he'd like to target for boycott on the airwaves of Idiot-Point-One where they need those dang underwriters.

For those that missed the show, here it is in its full crazy.


Finally Steve withdrew his pitchfork from the Scrubbing Bubble's dogma and they started the onslaught of calls to decry the censorship and show support for the mortally wounded Scrubbing Bubble.
The first call was some guy who wanted to talk about that snake island where they sing those really long song. Then somebody else called in to complain that he can't get Sesame Street on TV around here and the Free Speech minded Scrubbing Bubble cut him off short and took another call.
Finally somebody called to talk about the Scrubbing Bubble's bruised ego. But they just ranted away like some kind of paranoid pothead conspiracy freak and didn't make a lick of sense so the Scrubbing Bubble opened the lines for another supporter only this guy wasn't falling for it.
He first reminded the Scrubbing Bubble Esquire that the First Amendment isn't about the Scrubbing Bubble's fantasies but is about the government and how that website did the right thing.
Then it got kinda interesting and before they cut him off he landed a few choice morsels of food for thought right on the Scrubbing Bubble's chin and reminded everyone what a pompous jerk the Scrubbing Bubble is. Listen to that clip here.



Hey Ron, you can blog here anytime. The Spelunkers, that's with a CAPITAL "s," will defend your right to make a fool of yourself to the death! Maybe that's extreme...

Okay tell you what, we'll just play dead, kinda like you play lawyer when everyone really knows you're just a blathering fool.

Running on Empty

Being morally bankrupt and ethically challenged are two things a guy like Ranger Francis can roll with but without gas...

We can say with absolute certainty what lots of us have thought for a while - Ranger Francis doesn't like being told what to do by anyone - or anything. While there are lots of times that this has happened and he's stuck to his principles this last time sure showed us.

Recently Ranger Francis found himself subject to the demands of an overzealous and possibly racist, GOB gas guage. Not one to be told what to do, Francis just kept on driving until he found himself standing along the side of the road with a dead cop car.

Driving a police car is heady stuff and takes great responsibility so luckily his presence as the top law enforcement officer in the good old US of A wasn't required while he stood there in the sun.

Five minutes earlier the scene looked entirely different... "Hey what's that up there, Francis thought to himself, that kinda looks like one of my cruisers." So he did his mental checklist, silently ticking off all the clues he'd learned from a video some kind hearted soul had posted on the tubes.

"Light bar... check!"
"Radio antenna... check!"
"Sheriffs logo on car door... check!"
"Uniformed officer seated at the wheel... check!"

"Looks about right, he thought, but I better call in the plates to be sure." "Hello Dispatch?" he grumbled into his radio. "Yes, Sheriff, this is Dispatch." "I need to run the plates on a vehicle to see if it's one of mine." "Alrighty Sheriff, remember last time, does this one have a lightbar, radio antenna and  a logo on the door?" "Yep, its got all that stuff and somebody that looks familiar is sitting in the driver's seat with a uniform on too." "Okay then Sheriff, that sounds like one of ours, probably not necessary to run the plates at this point." "Damnit! Did I ask you to tell me what to do or did I tell you to run those plates?" "Alright Sheriff, we'll run those plates ... why yes indeed that is a Sheriff's department vehicle."

Ranger Francis then hung up the phone and decided to follow the deputy to observe what rules they were doing wrong so he could start an IA and get that GOB the heck outta here, whoever he is. Pressing down hard on the gas pedal to catch up he thought to himself "odd, the car is slowing down when it should be going faster... now its stopping, WTF?!"

Rolling to a stop on the shoulder he pondered what could possibly have been done to sabotage him and he thought back to the flashing light on the dashboard that had been trying to get his attention for the last half hour. "Could that have been a warning?" After turning it over in his mind several times he realised the only possible explanation was that somebody had fiddled with his car to make it run out of gas. "I'll file an IA on this car to sort this out."


But the fuel crisis wasn't his most pressing problem, he was on his way to pick his kid up from school and now he had to figure out what to do. Can't call a deputy to bring a gas can because they're all in on the prank he thought. "I know, I'll call one of 'the handlers,' they always know what to do." So he dialed his phone and called Olga but she didn't answer. Then he called Tommy but Tommy was getting his hair permed and couldn't break away. Next he called Bruce but Bruce had been tipping em back and didn't want to chance another DUI even if Francis said he'd take care of it.

His last plea was to call 'the pill' and when pill answered Francis could tell right away he'd been out in the yard doing something. "Hey Pill, this is Francis, I need a favor." "What's that Francis?" "Well I need you to come down here with a gas can because something has been done to my cruiser and now its out of gas." "Unh, yah Francis, I'd love to, really I would but I'm out here, uh, tending my roses." "C'mon Pill, I'm gonna file an IA and I'll need your help to leak the information." "Unh, yah Francis, that sounds really tempting but I'm gonna have to come meet with you later on to find out about that IA, maybe next time"

So Francis hung up once again and reconsidered calling a deputy since they do this all the time but decided instead to call Uncle Stinky's Snooz-A-Stop and Tow Service instead and they said they'd be right out.


An hour later the driver from Stinky's rolled up to find Francis angrily cursing at his car and towed him back to get some gas. Next time your laughing at Ranger Francis for his rookie move consider that lots of people run out of gas every day. Usually blondes and teenagers but it could happen to you too if you don't pay heed to the idiot gauge.

Francis' Golden Shovel Award

Lots of talk lately about what Francis isn't doing so well at his new job and the spelunkers crew think a lot of folks have missed his greatest talent.

Francis in his favorite hole

All those gaffs, foibles and screwups combined with the fact that he can't open his mouth without lying about something indicates Francis has a hidden talent that should be recognized. So we decided to ask some people if they have an opinion on his innate abilty to dig a deeper hole for himself.

Francis can't shut up and that's his key shortcoming, he just doesn't know when he's said too much, he even got himself a radio show so he could broadcast his sharpest character flaw to all four listeners of idiot-point-one. They seem to really like it though so they call in and praise him for the precise things he's screwed up.

Maybe that is some kind of freakshow cathartic deal where losers who can't get it right see him as a hero of the unsung asswipe. Rarely do people in law enforcement champion criminals and clearly there is a demographic that likes that kinda thing.

Golden Shovel award

So Francis gets out there with his shovel and keeps on digging as though he thinks at some point he'll emerge in an alternate universe where the crap he pulls is acceptable. Or maybe Francis wants to join the spelunkers but doesn't have a cave.


We asked Donny DA what he thought about Francis and his shovelling prowess. DA Donny only said "hey all I'm doing is trying not to interrupt him."

Then we overheard a brief converstion between Francis and his mom "Fraaaaancis, time to come in for some num nums! Put down the shovel for a bit and try to climb out of that pit honey - your little friends Tommmy and Brucey will be here soon."

"I can't stop now mommy," Francis shouted from the bottom of his pit," I just know there's a bone in here someplace - I was watching the dog and saw him come out here when he was supposed to be crapping on the neighbor's lawn so he must have left a bone for me in here. I'm gonna file an IA and try to get that dumb dog to tell me where he hid it!"

We decided to stick around and see what happened when Tommy and Brucey showed up and after a bit Tommy arrived alone. "Hey Francis, 420 dude, let's burn one! Any chance I can use that pit? I've got some product I need to grow someplace and those damn Feds just won't leave me alone," Tommy asked. "Brucey couldn't come out and play today because he messed his pants again and didn't have anything clean to put on. So he's gonna stay at the trailer do some deletin'."

Francis missed num-nums that night and it was getting dark but he was still digging away like a mole on crack, his voice getting fainter way down there in this pit trying to find a bone while his dog is sitting up on the porch gnawing away at it. Should we tell him where the bone is or let him keep on digging?

Sacred Sites and Snaky Places

This is a pretty cool place to live if you can't afford "for-profit" entertainment like me. So I get to watch TV sometimes and listen to the radio or whatever like today. Today those people that are 'in charge' of the county got a taste of some of the county's finest free entertainment and since I left the TV on I got to enjoy it too.

The show today was about this guy who bought this snake island and then some other folks decided that it was theirs the whole time. So they all went to the meeting today. John went with a bunch of attorneys since its really hard to own anything without a lawyer I guess and all these other interesting folk showed up too.

Evidently they don't have any serious money so they want that guy to give them that island because they like snakes or something. The best part was when this guy Howard Chavez sang that other guy a song so he'd give them the island. This other dude, Wounded Knee, took a less direct approach and sounded more like James Cagney in some gangster flick "Look here, see, sacred sites can be scary, see, bad stuff can happen, see.

We all knew what Mr. Knee really meant 'give up the island or we're gonna send some dead people over there to haunt you buddy.'

Nothing says dignified like a gumby shirt and plaid shorts...

Nazi Love Triangle

I've been thinking about all the racist stuff over on Francis' ex-sheriff love fest propaganda blog and wondering about the fixation. Kinda reminds me of how when I started maturing and I noticed that those guys that were really, truly obsessed with gay folks were probably latent homosexuals on some level. At least they made me more uncomfortable than the homos anyway.


All that thinking made me hungry so I raided the fridge in the singlewide and sat down to ponder the whole sick and twisted thing more carefully over a pile of pop tarts and some grape nehi. Its pretty clear that there is some kind of freakish love triangle involving Francis, Tom and Bruce. They also seem to be fixated on this whole racist idea that keeps dominating Francis' propanganda blog page deal.

Rally round the flags.

Are those three having a nazi love triangle? Not that there's anything wrong with that...

You know how when somebody fouls up like when Francis shot at that guy and killed the doorjamb he claimed that guy had something shiny in his hand but everybody else heard him shouting 'drop the pepper spray?' Or like when those CPD cops almost unloaded live rounds on some undercover deputies Francis says were wearing clearly visible raid jackets he tried to blame the CPD for not asking if the deputies were the ones doing the home invasion hostage thing they'd been called about?

I figure its like that with the racist stuff too. Like this, Francis is clearly working some kind of messed up propaganda angle to try to keep people from knowing that things are really unraveling all around him. Hell I hear he's even gotten a show on idiot-point-one as part of his disinformation campaign... anyway, the whole propaganda thing and flag wrapping modus operandi just reaks of fascist behavior so those guys are trying to beat everyone else to the punch by claiming anyone that questions the poobah is a racist.

Bake Sale!

Francis needs to raise some extra cash over there at felony corner to make sure the operation keeps on rolling so he's decided the best way to do it is to have a bake sale.

Yummy Sheriff Brownies

Bestest friend Tom is gonna do most of the baking and he says not to worry about the green in his brownies because it isn't mold. Tom does advise "don't eat too many, uh, of those dude. I mean, um, especially if  you're gonna be driving."

Bummer stuff seems to follow Francis around and he's lost some serious moola because he didn't think negotiation was part of politics and that has put a real damper on the prospects of throwing pizza parties for his beloved staff.

Francis really does like pizza so its important we all rally around and step up to support the LCSO bake sale to help mitigate the damage done by losing all that money the tribes were gonna give him and the extra cash its gonna cost to pay for the lawsuits piling up on his doorstep.

Well all that and for his re-election next June when all those do-gooder recall people fillet him like a trout.

Go ahead, Drain the Lake - Newby

Ever tried a locust taco with Guacamole?

What is up with all the recent transplants always wanting to come into Lake with all their great new ideas, totally upset the balance of peculiar we've all become adjusted to and then move on to some greener pasture to despoil like a swirling horde of mutant locusts with crazy-tipped wings laying waste to all in their path?


The mysterious lands beyond the hills must be filled with unaccomplished messiahs looking to make a mark.

It happens over and over here so there are plenty of examples. Nitwits drive into the county, set up shop and immediately set about changing all the stuff that brought them here in the first place. Sometimes they even enlist the indigenous Lake Countians in their efforts to help gain some destructo-traction.

I wasn't actually thinking of the ancient Indians but what the hell, they were here first so they've seen this crap happen first hand and they saw it before we had all those nifty laws to prevent really horrific stuff from being de-rigeur so those folks really got their hats handed to them.

Take them that want to turn the lake into a dustbowl for example; they think that draining and dredging the lake is a fantastic idea so it could be more like lake Tahoe. Point of fact Lake Tahoe is a 'dead' lake so basically these folks are the grim reaper's cheerleaders whose goal is a zombie lake where once the carp were free to suffocate and wash up on shore at will.

Somebody needs to stand up for the dead and dying carp!

Then you've got Francis with his peculiar brand of change and freakshow entourage riding Tom's Crazy Train and turning law enforcement on its ear to create enough chaos so that the big pot growers can do their thing with impunity.

News flash for Francis - Tom and the other pot growers were doing just fine before you sued Frisco and moved up here. Anybody else think its curious that Francis shows up and Tom gets busted?

Don't laugh, its paid for.

Let's not forget the grifters arriving by night that show up in the midst of all the misguided wanna-be do-gooders to take advantage of the situation like that Rowland Mosser guy who hosed the seniors over there on the Northshore by ripping off a Senior center. He should have picked a bigger target since according to his facebook page he still hasn't managed to get moved out of that singlewide trailer though he did score 15 minutes in the papers while the old DA was poking around in his colon.

Instead of focusing on this clear newby-itis sypmptom the Spelunkers Sanity Squad thought it might be wise to focus on the causes for this behavior.

The roads leading into the county come to mind.

Evidently Caltrans is in on the newby plague since they keep fixing up those ingress roads in spite of Mother nature's best efforts to grind em back into dust. So maybe those of us that like things calm and quirky need to take a page from the Newby Handbook and go exert our will over the rest of the state by establishing some 'no-repair' zones on the roads that the newbies use to invade.

Closed for remodeling,
come back much later.

That would limit access to those that really really want to be here and turn away them that want to recreate this place to be more like wherever they just escaped from. If it was so freakin' great wherever you came from then what the hell are you doing here?

Or maybe we could set aside a portion of the county to contain the newcomers till their cancerous brains adapt to 'the way things are' here in paradise. My vote would be Clearlake since that town is already deep into the crazy. Set em loose in Clearlake; if they survive for a decade then give em a hall pass into the rest of the county and see how they do.

Maybe I'm backwards or even a little provincial wanting things left alone but there really is something nice about a dearth of turmoil.

Walking the Plank for Fun and Profit

Francis says he really does want a new Undersheriff to help do his work so he can spend more time doing other stuff like running his blog. The way it is right now the clowns running his blog are so stoned all the time they just don't make any sense and the blog message is losing focus.

The message is supposed to be what a great guy Francis is but mostly he has to spend a ton of time deleting all kinds of other posts that don't support his thesis very well. Sometimes they even show him in a bad light.

So he says he's gonna hire somebody to help out.

Cap'n Francis readies the plank for candidates.

Right now he's got a job posted on the county web deal but its promotional only so chances are nobody is gonna go for it since they'd have to go back on probation again.

Just ask Perry or Basor about how cool probation works.

Since anybody eligible for the job  has to be a) more experienced than Francis and b) currently a member of the DSA or a correctional officer its a safe bet to say they won't have the job for long and will probably wind up suing Francis like all those other guys.

I've got a hunch this job will soon be posted outside the promotional deal so some cop who doesn't have the Internet or talk to other cops might wander along and stumble into Francis clever pirate trap.

Fictitious Job Posting

Hey unemployed folks! Great news, there's a job open at the Sheriff's Department and the pay is fantastic!








So if you are more qualified than our Sheriff -- who isn't? -- and you already work for him you can go work more closely with him.

How does that sound? Some of the benes include lotsa yelling and tantrums working for your new boss and you'll get to take the blame for everything Francis screws up. And there's plenty of that to fill your days. Of course if your under an IA, voted for Mitchell, are a Corrections Officer or a member of the DSA you aren't welcome to apply.

Just kidding, like Francis has any intention of hiring somebody that has more experience than he does like it says in the job posting on the county website.

He's not looking to hire. 

He's just covering his butt since that massive foulup when he begged the BOS for an undersheriff so he could get Baxter's votes.

Some stuff doesn't fit

Let's look at a few examples of things that just don't fit together in groups. Some things just don't fit when you stop and look at em but sometimes it's kinda hard to tell right away so the Spelunkers Grouping Squad put together a simple test to help folks learn how to identify stuff that fits in a group and stuff that doesn't fit in a group.

Here's a video prepared by spelunker investigator Cookie Monster that helps explain it better.


Some of these are tricky so we'll start with the easiest ones. Now remember, there is no such thing as a wrong answer but there are complete boobs that might have trouble and we don't want to hurt their feelings so keep your answers to yourself. No cheating!

Okay, let's get going. Now take a good long look at these pictures, but try not to get hypmotized, and try to figure out which thing in the picture is not the same as the others.

A) Eating stuff

B) Animal stuff

C) Religious stuff

D) Outdoor stuff

One of these things is not like the others.

D) Cop stuff. Now this is the most important test because choosing the wrong one could mean the difference between life and death so you want one with strong experience, outstanding management skills and the ability to work well with his staff. Be careful now and pick which one of these doen't fit.

What we have here are three respected lawmen, one was even the first Hispanic Sheriff, and one pretender. Clue: the pretender has a moustache and used to sell drugs in Florida.

Poobah, meet POBR, POBR, Poobah.

Darkness and rage have settled into the king's brain like a ravenous, bloodthirsty jackal with a paper-shredder.

Francis responds to lawsuit

Francis grew bored of the lack of attention he was recieving lately so he opened up the mail and POP! There was a special letter just for him.

But this is no ordinary letter from some affectionate friend that hasn't discovered email or figured out how old-school writing a letter is, this one came from a member of that gun-totin' posse some folks call 'deputies.' You can tell the posse from the jailers since the posse has guns and the jailers only have a key on their sleeves.

Seems this Deputy Corey fella isn't much for that old-school letter writing deal either since he had someone else write if for him. What the heck does esq mean anyway? I'm gonna start signing hsg after my name and that one is clear enough 'high school graduate' but esq, wtf?

So esq dude helped Deputy Corey write this letter deal and mail it to Francis with a stamp. I just can't stop wondering who licked the stamp. Then things went all to shit because it wasn't a love letter or even nice at all. It explained to Francis that he's f'ed up again and something fierce enough to have to go stand up in front of one of those judge people unless Francis can get either his bff Tom Carter or maybe County Counsel to pony up for him and lay some dough across that deputy guy's palms.

I guess Tom won't be able to help out unless that deputy guy is willing to settle for a slightly used fake train.

According to nameless gossips posting stuff on one of Francis' fan blogs he's looking at something like $75,000 clams. Now that's what I call a king size payday!

Gratuitous product placement. 

Seems the apprentice learned from the master, way to go Corey! Poobah Francis hisself scored some serious change when Francis sued Frisco for being racist, some things never change, and whaddya know he got the dough even though most folks thought he'd painted a naughty symbol on his own locker just like somebody did down in Middlesville lately. I wonder if Francis knows who painted that one?

Sadly Francis took a bunch of that money, used it to buy himself a hovel down in Middlesville and we've been stuck with him ever since.

Too bad Francis didn't pay attention to Corey though since Corey did real good on that Seargent's test while Francis just couldn't seem to talk his way out of it. Then Corey went on and solved some icky crime and made himself famous so Francis had to show him not to try to upstage the Pooobah by kicking sand in his face.

I wonder where Deputy Corey will do when he gets his money? I guess I should hurry up and go make friends with him pronto so he knows who's got his back and stood by him during all the tough times but also really really needs a giant new flat panel TV for that big blank space up there on the wall of the singlewide. If I squint my eyes just right I can even see it there but its like the volume is turned way down because all I hear is some tweakers out back arguing about some kinda business etiquette.