Running on Empty

Being morally bankrupt and ethically challenged are two things a guy like Ranger Francis can roll with but without gas...

We can say with absolute certainty what lots of us have thought for a while - Ranger Francis doesn't like being told what to do by anyone - or anything. While there are lots of times that this has happened and he's stuck to his principles this last time sure showed us.

Recently Ranger Francis found himself subject to the demands of an overzealous and possibly racist, GOB gas guage. Not one to be told what to do, Francis just kept on driving until he found himself standing along the side of the road with a dead cop car.

Driving a police car is heady stuff and takes great responsibility so luckily his presence as the top law enforcement officer in the good old US of A wasn't required while he stood there in the sun.

Five minutes earlier the scene looked entirely different... "Hey what's that up there, Francis thought to himself, that kinda looks like one of my cruisers." So he did his mental checklist, silently ticking off all the clues he'd learned from a video some kind hearted soul had posted on the tubes.

"Light bar... check!"
"Radio antenna... check!"
"Sheriffs logo on car door... check!"
"Uniformed officer seated at the wheel... check!"

"Looks about right, he thought, but I better call in the plates to be sure." "Hello Dispatch?" he grumbled into his radio. "Yes, Sheriff, this is Dispatch." "I need to run the plates on a vehicle to see if it's one of mine." "Alrighty Sheriff, remember last time, does this one have a lightbar, radio antenna and  a logo on the door?" "Yep, its got all that stuff and somebody that looks familiar is sitting in the driver's seat with a uniform on too." "Okay then Sheriff, that sounds like one of ours, probably not necessary to run the plates at this point." "Damnit! Did I ask you to tell me what to do or did I tell you to run those plates?" "Alright Sheriff, we'll run those plates ... why yes indeed that is a Sheriff's department vehicle."

Ranger Francis then hung up the phone and decided to follow the deputy to observe what rules they were doing wrong so he could start an IA and get that GOB the heck outta here, whoever he is. Pressing down hard on the gas pedal to catch up he thought to himself "odd, the car is slowing down when it should be going faster... now its stopping, WTF?!"

Rolling to a stop on the shoulder he pondered what could possibly have been done to sabotage him and he thought back to the flashing light on the dashboard that had been trying to get his attention for the last half hour. "Could that have been a warning?" After turning it over in his mind several times he realised the only possible explanation was that somebody had fiddled with his car to make it run out of gas. "I'll file an IA on this car to sort this out."


But the fuel crisis wasn't his most pressing problem, he was on his way to pick his kid up from school and now he had to figure out what to do. Can't call a deputy to bring a gas can because they're all in on the prank he thought. "I know, I'll call one of 'the handlers,' they always know what to do." So he dialed his phone and called Olga but she didn't answer. Then he called Tommy but Tommy was getting his hair permed and couldn't break away. Next he called Bruce but Bruce had been tipping em back and didn't want to chance another DUI even if Francis said he'd take care of it.

His last plea was to call 'the pill' and when pill answered Francis could tell right away he'd been out in the yard doing something. "Hey Pill, this is Francis, I need a favor." "What's that Francis?" "Well I need you to come down here with a gas can because something has been done to my cruiser and now its out of gas." "Unh, yah Francis, I'd love to, really I would but I'm out here, uh, tending my roses." "C'mon Pill, I'm gonna file an IA and I'll need your help to leak the information." "Unh, yah Francis, that sounds really tempting but I'm gonna have to come meet with you later on to find out about that IA, maybe next time"

So Francis hung up once again and reconsidered calling a deputy since they do this all the time but decided instead to call Uncle Stinky's Snooz-A-Stop and Tow Service instead and they said they'd be right out.


An hour later the driver from Stinky's rolled up to find Francis angrily cursing at his car and towed him back to get some gas. Next time your laughing at Ranger Francis for his rookie move consider that lots of people run out of gas every day. Usually blondes and teenagers but it could happen to you too if you don't pay heed to the idiot gauge.

Francis' Golden Shovel Award

Lots of talk lately about what Francis isn't doing so well at his new job and the spelunkers crew think a lot of folks have missed his greatest talent.

Francis in his favorite hole

All those gaffs, foibles and screwups combined with the fact that he can't open his mouth without lying about something indicates Francis has a hidden talent that should be recognized. So we decided to ask some people if they have an opinion on his innate abilty to dig a deeper hole for himself.

Francis can't shut up and that's his key shortcoming, he just doesn't know when he's said too much, he even got himself a radio show so he could broadcast his sharpest character flaw to all four listeners of idiot-point-one. They seem to really like it though so they call in and praise him for the precise things he's screwed up.

Maybe that is some kind of freakshow cathartic deal where losers who can't get it right see him as a hero of the unsung asswipe. Rarely do people in law enforcement champion criminals and clearly there is a demographic that likes that kinda thing.

Golden Shovel award

So Francis gets out there with his shovel and keeps on digging as though he thinks at some point he'll emerge in an alternate universe where the crap he pulls is acceptable. Or maybe Francis wants to join the spelunkers but doesn't have a cave.


We asked Donny DA what he thought about Francis and his shovelling prowess. DA Donny only said "hey all I'm doing is trying not to interrupt him."

Then we overheard a brief converstion between Francis and his mom "Fraaaaancis, time to come in for some num nums! Put down the shovel for a bit and try to climb out of that pit honey - your little friends Tommmy and Brucey will be here soon."

"I can't stop now mommy," Francis shouted from the bottom of his pit," I just know there's a bone in here someplace - I was watching the dog and saw him come out here when he was supposed to be crapping on the neighbor's lawn so he must have left a bone for me in here. I'm gonna file an IA and try to get that dumb dog to tell me where he hid it!"

We decided to stick around and see what happened when Tommy and Brucey showed up and after a bit Tommy arrived alone. "Hey Francis, 420 dude, let's burn one! Any chance I can use that pit? I've got some product I need to grow someplace and those damn Feds just won't leave me alone," Tommy asked. "Brucey couldn't come out and play today because he messed his pants again and didn't have anything clean to put on. So he's gonna stay at the trailer do some deletin'."

Francis missed num-nums that night and it was getting dark but he was still digging away like a mole on crack, his voice getting fainter way down there in this pit trying to find a bone while his dog is sitting up on the porch gnawing away at it. Should we tell him where the bone is or let him keep on digging?

Sacred Sites and Snaky Places

This is a pretty cool place to live if you can't afford "for-profit" entertainment like me. So I get to watch TV sometimes and listen to the radio or whatever like today. Today those people that are 'in charge' of the county got a taste of some of the county's finest free entertainment and since I left the TV on I got to enjoy it too.

The show today was about this guy who bought this snake island and then some other folks decided that it was theirs the whole time. So they all went to the meeting today. John went with a bunch of attorneys since its really hard to own anything without a lawyer I guess and all these other interesting folk showed up too.

Evidently they don't have any serious money so they want that guy to give them that island because they like snakes or something. The best part was when this guy Howard Chavez sang that other guy a song so he'd give them the island. This other dude, Wounded Knee, took a less direct approach and sounded more like James Cagney in some gangster flick "Look here, see, sacred sites can be scary, see, bad stuff can happen, see.

We all knew what Mr. Knee really meant 'give up the island or we're gonna send some dead people over there to haunt you buddy.'

Nothing says dignified like a gumby shirt and plaid shorts...

Nazi Love Triangle

I've been thinking about all the racist stuff over on Francis' ex-sheriff love fest propaganda blog and wondering about the fixation. Kinda reminds me of how when I started maturing and I noticed that those guys that were really, truly obsessed with gay folks were probably latent homosexuals on some level. At least they made me more uncomfortable than the homos anyway.


All that thinking made me hungry so I raided the fridge in the singlewide and sat down to ponder the whole sick and twisted thing more carefully over a pile of pop tarts and some grape nehi. Its pretty clear that there is some kind of freakish love triangle involving Francis, Tom and Bruce. They also seem to be fixated on this whole racist idea that keeps dominating Francis' propanganda blog page deal.

Rally round the flags.

Are those three having a nazi love triangle? Not that there's anything wrong with that...

You know how when somebody fouls up like when Francis shot at that guy and killed the doorjamb he claimed that guy had something shiny in his hand but everybody else heard him shouting 'drop the pepper spray?' Or like when those CPD cops almost unloaded live rounds on some undercover deputies Francis says were wearing clearly visible raid jackets he tried to blame the CPD for not asking if the deputies were the ones doing the home invasion hostage thing they'd been called about?

I figure its like that with the racist stuff too. Like this, Francis is clearly working some kind of messed up propaganda angle to try to keep people from knowing that things are really unraveling all around him. Hell I hear he's even gotten a show on idiot-point-one as part of his disinformation campaign... anyway, the whole propaganda thing and flag wrapping modus operandi just reaks of fascist behavior so those guys are trying to beat everyone else to the punch by claiming anyone that questions the poobah is a racist.

Bake Sale!

Francis needs to raise some extra cash over there at felony corner to make sure the operation keeps on rolling so he's decided the best way to do it is to have a bake sale.

Yummy Sheriff Brownies

Bestest friend Tom is gonna do most of the baking and he says not to worry about the green in his brownies because it isn't mold. Tom does advise "don't eat too many, uh, of those dude. I mean, um, especially if  you're gonna be driving."

Bummer stuff seems to follow Francis around and he's lost some serious moola because he didn't think negotiation was part of politics and that has put a real damper on the prospects of throwing pizza parties for his beloved staff.

Francis really does like pizza so its important we all rally around and step up to support the LCSO bake sale to help mitigate the damage done by losing all that money the tribes were gonna give him and the extra cash its gonna cost to pay for the lawsuits piling up on his doorstep.

Well all that and for his re-election next June when all those do-gooder recall people fillet him like a trout.

Go ahead, Drain the Lake - Newby

Ever tried a locust taco with Guacamole?

What is up with all the recent transplants always wanting to come into Lake with all their great new ideas, totally upset the balance of peculiar we've all become adjusted to and then move on to some greener pasture to despoil like a swirling horde of mutant locusts with crazy-tipped wings laying waste to all in their path?


The mysterious lands beyond the hills must be filled with unaccomplished messiahs looking to make a mark.

It happens over and over here so there are plenty of examples. Nitwits drive into the county, set up shop and immediately set about changing all the stuff that brought them here in the first place. Sometimes they even enlist the indigenous Lake Countians in their efforts to help gain some destructo-traction.

I wasn't actually thinking of the ancient Indians but what the hell, they were here first so they've seen this crap happen first hand and they saw it before we had all those nifty laws to prevent really horrific stuff from being de-rigeur so those folks really got their hats handed to them.

Take them that want to turn the lake into a dustbowl for example; they think that draining and dredging the lake is a fantastic idea so it could be more like lake Tahoe. Point of fact Lake Tahoe is a 'dead' lake so basically these folks are the grim reaper's cheerleaders whose goal is a zombie lake where once the carp were free to suffocate and wash up on shore at will.

Somebody needs to stand up for the dead and dying carp!

Then you've got Francis with his peculiar brand of change and freakshow entourage riding Tom's Crazy Train and turning law enforcement on its ear to create enough chaos so that the big pot growers can do their thing with impunity.

News flash for Francis - Tom and the other pot growers were doing just fine before you sued Frisco and moved up here. Anybody else think its curious that Francis shows up and Tom gets busted?

Don't laugh, its paid for.

Let's not forget the grifters arriving by night that show up in the midst of all the misguided wanna-be do-gooders to take advantage of the situation like that Rowland Mosser guy who hosed the seniors over there on the Northshore by ripping off a Senior center. He should have picked a bigger target since according to his facebook page he still hasn't managed to get moved out of that singlewide trailer though he did score 15 minutes in the papers while the old DA was poking around in his colon.

Instead of focusing on this clear newby-itis sypmptom the Spelunkers Sanity Squad thought it might be wise to focus on the causes for this behavior.

The roads leading into the county come to mind.

Evidently Caltrans is in on the newby plague since they keep fixing up those ingress roads in spite of Mother nature's best efforts to grind em back into dust. So maybe those of us that like things calm and quirky need to take a page from the Newby Handbook and go exert our will over the rest of the state by establishing some 'no-repair' zones on the roads that the newbies use to invade.

Closed for remodeling,
come back much later.

That would limit access to those that really really want to be here and turn away them that want to recreate this place to be more like wherever they just escaped from. If it was so freakin' great wherever you came from then what the hell are you doing here?

Or maybe we could set aside a portion of the county to contain the newcomers till their cancerous brains adapt to 'the way things are' here in paradise. My vote would be Clearlake since that town is already deep into the crazy. Set em loose in Clearlake; if they survive for a decade then give em a hall pass into the rest of the county and see how they do.

Maybe I'm backwards or even a little provincial wanting things left alone but there really is something nice about a dearth of turmoil.

Walking the Plank for Fun and Profit

Francis says he really does want a new Undersheriff to help do his work so he can spend more time doing other stuff like running his blog. The way it is right now the clowns running his blog are so stoned all the time they just don't make any sense and the blog message is losing focus.

The message is supposed to be what a great guy Francis is but mostly he has to spend a ton of time deleting all kinds of other posts that don't support his thesis very well. Sometimes they even show him in a bad light.

So he says he's gonna hire somebody to help out.

Cap'n Francis readies the plank for candidates.

Right now he's got a job posted on the county web deal but its promotional only so chances are nobody is gonna go for it since they'd have to go back on probation again.

Just ask Perry or Basor about how cool probation works.

Since anybody eligible for the job  has to be a) more experienced than Francis and b) currently a member of the DSA or a correctional officer its a safe bet to say they won't have the job for long and will probably wind up suing Francis like all those other guys.

I've got a hunch this job will soon be posted outside the promotional deal so some cop who doesn't have the Internet or talk to other cops might wander along and stumble into Francis clever pirate trap.