The Brady Flu

When you get sick folks can usually tell because you're all sneezy and coughy and hackin' up globs of colorful goo that gets all over everything. Do gooders carry around all kinds of stuff to wipe that goo up and keep you from smearing it on phones and stuff that other folks might touch and catch whatever you've got. Some kinds of sick don't look the same though and you can't easily tell that the guy next to you in the peep show might have some kinda sick you could catch.

Francis has that kinda sick, he doesn't have the telltale cough or the spewing junk that usually give it away, til he opens his mouth and starts suing folks. Sometimes he can't even go to meetings he sets up himself so Patador has to try and help out but everybody just wants to talk to francis.

francis' sick is hidden in his head.

Dr. Donny DA examines a real sick patient.

Mostly you can't tell but it leaks out through his mouth just like most kinda sick does. And it can affect a lot of people just like the spanish flu or the black plague did too.

The only real difference is that francis' sick doesn't kill people outright, it just infects things like budgets and morale so those things waste away. Sometimes it even infects other people if they are in too close of contact with it for a while.

Francis' sick is called the Brady flu and it only happens to police cops who can't seem to keep their story straight when confronted with the harsh realities of the legal system. Its preventable but once you get it, that's that.

And there's no cure.

Symptoms can be pretty severe, some sufferers experience a protruding probosis that can be misdiagnosed as Pinocchioitis and can be cured by the Blue Fairy. Another symptom can be repetition of an important story with minor changes each time and the inability to come up with rational explanations for the stupid shit you get involved in.

Fortunately there is a specialist in the LC that treats this disease and his name is Dr. Donny DA. Only a certified Brady doctor can perform the requisite examination to determine whether the patient has the Brady flu or is just a douchebag. The examination can be a grueling experience that reveals all sorts of disgusting things once the doctor starts scraping away at the telltale falsehoods that may indicate the Brady flu.

If the patient is determined to suffer from the Brady flu there is nothing that can be done as the condition is incurable and its even more embarrassing than herpes because it never ever goes away even for a minute.

So francis is trying real hard to convince people he doesn't have the Brady flu and what's really going on is that most healthy people just don't like him so they made it all up even though lotsa folks have seen his flu in action.

Brave Sir Francis

Bravely bold Sir francis Rode forth from his compound.
He was not afraid to lie, Oh brave Sir francis.
He was not at all afraid To use his blog in nasty ways.

Brave, brave, brave, brave Sir francis.

He is not in the least bit scared To spew lies on idiot-point-one. Or to lie on PEG, and in his reports.
To have his followers split And his legacy burned away, And his frenemies hacked and mangled Brave Sir francis.
He wasn't afraid to challenge the soup and tell them what they think.
Brave enough to swagger in, he puffed his chest and straightened his belt and changed his tune.
When time arrived to explain himself, he put Patador in charge and bravely ran away.

Brave, brave, brave, brave Sir francis.

He is phoning it in and packing it up
And sneaking away and buggering up
And pretending he's sick and staying home,
Yes, bravely he is throwing in the sponge.

The Ethics Experts

Mayor of Mirth

Galactic Emperor and Poobah of all he surveys Sharuf Francis has been preparing a backup plan if the whole sharuf thing doesn't work out by reading up on some old Emily Post stuff and decided to put his newly discovered etiquette training to the test the other day by schooling the Clearlake Mayor on manners.

The way we heard it, francis was taking Mayor Joey to task because of something funny that Joey wrote about land, air and sea domination in the LC but we didn't get to hear the deal since Muabladar was using the radio to listen to some country music and practice line dancing for a date or something, like that's gonna happen.

Supposedly francis got miffed about some silly joke but over here at the cave we figure it's like most stuff and there is more than meets the ears. Seems more likely that francis doesn't appreciate how some folks don't bend way over at the waist, grab their ankles and do what francis wants, when francis wants it.

The spelunkers special Ouija board says, among other things, that francis didn't want santa clausen to be the head police cop over there in the land of the lost but would settle for another background check on santa clausen since that would stall the whole thing and give him more time to paint santa clausen in a bad light so he could get rivero's raving minions to show up at council meetings and make such a huge ruckus the council would have to give them the time of day.

Everybody wants to know.

But Mayor Joey thought that was a dumb idea since santa clausen had already gotten his background checked out by the town proctologist before he became the head police cop in the first place. That's probably why francis really got upset even though he pretended like he was mad about the joke.

Only problem is the legion of rivero's raving minions has been reduced to sub legion numbers like maybe three or four and so all they were able to muster was the splitter and we all know how effective that was.

So francis got spittin' mad, went on idiot-point-one to complain about a joke and they had to wipe down all the surfaces that he got all that spit on even though he was spittin' about the wrong thing like all he understands is those herring things and doesn't have the gumption to simply say whats on his mind since then we'd all know for sure how upside down his mind is.

Must be tough having an upside down mind. We tried it for a while over at the cave and hung upside down from the monkey bars but it just made us not feel very good and all that blood flowing into our heads made our faces red just like when francis is complaining about something other people did even though when he does it its all good.

Anyway, we're all super impressed that francis has figured out the decorum conundrum and hope he decides to practice what he preaches. Only problem is that Emily's learned area was manners and not ethics but francis doesn't seem to get the distinction since he sucks at both.

Junior's Red Wrestling Herring

Wrestling has never really been the shrubber's thing. Its all sweaty and huggy and stuff and both those things aren't really the sort of stuff the shrubber likes doing with a whole bunch of strangers.

Don't misunderstand the shrubber - sweaty hugs are pretty neat under the right circumstances.

Thankfully francis' propaganda blog has plenty of interest in sweaty young men and they turned the 'watch' into the wrestling channel. Otherwise we'd never know what a putz junior is so its all for the best I suppose.

Lately francis has been all about the huggy sweating since it beats talking about other stuff he doesn't want to talk about. Like why he wants the county to hire him a lawyer to help him sue the county, for example.

Suspender dude makes a lot of noise

Here's a picture of some wrestly stuff, look how excited that one guy in the suspenders is.  He's yelling so loud he got some other guy's attention.

Probably even the wrestlers can hear suspender dude yelling just like the real coach is.

That might be because suspender dude used to be a coach before the school decided to give him an unexpected vacation for all the wrong reasons, his name is junior.

Junior is the reason francis' propaganda blog became the wrestling channel since he stole a kid's school paper and got caught. But francis doesn't want to arrest suspender dude because that guy doesn't like one of the soup that francis is afraid of and maybe that's why suspender dude took the paper in the first place.

francis lives in a complicated world.

I guess junior decided supporting the kids just wasn't going to be so much fun if he couldn't break the rules so he quit after this picture was taken.

Its all really confusing but the one thing we can be sure of is that francis thinks this is the best way to keep attention off of him.

The cave isn't so sure.

Santa Clausen Comes to Town

Some folks may recall when the spelunkers cast shadows on the wall that revealed in morbid detail just how much crazy had settled in down in Clearlake.

We even did a bitchin' graph - in color.

Well the percentage of crazy was so high, no pun intended, that it seemed inevitable that eventually somebody from the crazy contingent would wind up on the council. Sure enough, enter Jeri Splitter. Jeri is a prime example of the sort of smack talkin', dropped in a vat of ether at birth, off the deep ended kinda stuff we're seeing lots more of lately and her most recent performance the other night was pure frothing nutz.

They call her 'splitter' because she's about as fractured as a walnut smooshed with an 8 pound sledge.

We didn't have time to put together a fancy chart like that other time so we went out back to the shed and found the trusty ol' crazy-o-meter and dusted it off. Dang thing still works and you'll never guess what it measured.

Full blown cracker dog, running in the pool area with scissors needle pumping insanity action.

The meter works just great

Over here at the cave we decided to bolt that sucker onto the yo mobile and cruise around fishing for fruitcakes. 

Over the jeers from the audience voter people yelling "shut the hell up" and other choice phrases, you could barely make out Splitter moaning about how she didn't dig the new chief cop Santa Clausen and coming real close to blabbing about the super dooper secret squirrel stuff the council talks about in 'closed' session.

Don't really understand why they call it 'closed' since if the council is closed why don't they just go home and curl up on the couch with some fritos and watch reruns or pick their toes or something.

Seems folks were most likely telling her to shut up because she's a total whack job with nothing sane to contribute but shoot it would be cool if she'd blab and let us all know what happens in that santum sanctorium deal where they do the secret stuff. Who cares if its against the law?

Anyway, while the dang place nearly erupted into a good old fashioned tar and feather deal with Jeri on the sticky end of the feathers the other council members just did the usual council stuff and got themselves a new chief cop.

Too bad the new chief isn't buddies with the sharuf but that might have something to with francis trying to arrest him before or maybe it has something to do with francis holding black ops down there in crazy town.



I'm guessin' Santa Clausen probably doesn't have any cool schwag for francis in his bag. Then again, maybe he does.

El Roman Gnome

The spelunkers crew likes it in the cave, it's cool and dark and aside from the damp slime soaking the crunchy snacks it's a nice place to hang out in privacy and get stuff done. Not that you can get much done in a cave besides casting strange shadows on wall etchings but that's what the spelunkers do so it has a kinda yin-yang kinda deal goin on.
Does anybody know how to dry out a ho-ho without turning it into a puddle you have to scoop up with a spoon and a straw?

Other folks like to work in private too, folks like the roman gnome, we'll call him 'Ed' to protect the innocent, who hasn't really been on the radar lately but who's presence is still felt. The roman gnome got Victoria Brandon to run against Jim Comstock for example without ever poking his head out into the light.

Now why might that be?

Is it possible the roman gnome has some super secret squirrel deal goin on he wants to keep quiet? Or is Ed just hiding out from all the ex-missus roman gnomes?

Seems Ed sorta dropped off the radar after spending time with the scrubbin' bubble and presiding over the demise of the pothead permission slip the first time around. Word has it he's got some acreage and might have some plans out there if things go his way.

Is Ed helping francis with the search for the rainbow pukin' unicorn? We think he might be, or maybe he's just out wandering around amidst the local flora.

Here's some very rarely seen shrubbervision footage of the unicorn, watch closely for the unicorn, if you pause at just the right spot you can make it out.

Yeehaa!

Language Skills

Sometimes when legal intimidation doesn't work out the way you plan you have to resort to other forms of intimidation. Carrying a gun lends itself to all kinds of neat body language things you can do to convince people that your strong arm tactics aren't to be ignored.

Of course, people have to notice.

Seems francis wasn't too pleased when the soup declined to write him a blank check so he attempted to use a little old-school body language to let em know who's boss. Kinda like hanging a gun outta yer belt when you're in court or in class but slightly more subtle.

Only Jeff Smith seemed to notice the gesture and you can see Jeff pause as it occurrs to him... 'so this is it, this is how it all ends...'

Relieved that he was just imagining things, Jeff puts on his glasses and the mirage fades away.

But nobody else paid attention so francis didn't achieve what was probably the desired result.

That meant it was time to scuttle off with Mr. Coke and a Smile to go find the phone number for his favorite legal advisor and get some tips on more successful intimidation tactics or something.

Road Rage and Disappointment

This is part deux of a deux, or trois maybe, part thing. Part un of deux parts can be found here.

Invigorated from an evening mowing down constituents in his pickup, Sharuf francis sat down with the board of soups to try his hand again at getting them to pay for his attorney while he figures out what to sue the county for. "Nothing's more rejuvinating than hitting a pedestrian," francis greeted the soups, "I feel great!"

His glee was not long lived.

While slamming his pickup into a pedestrian might have given francis a newfound sense of confidence and a bounce in his step it would take more than that to get what he wanted from the soup.

Seems that the whole soup bowl heard about that guy getting run over by francis and took a dim view of elected types running over voters. Sure hope that guy is ok and his wife practices a different kinda law than civil cause otherwise francis is gonna need another lawyer too.

During the meeting francis decided the best way to get the soups to do what the Poobah wants is to tell the soup group what it is they believe and straighten em out when they don't believe what he wants em to.

For real, here it is in full unicorn pukin' color, now with organic porky pig stuttering!

Seems at least one of the soup had been doing his homework since all this stuff came up and Soup Rob went off to grab his cliff's notes to show francis that he'd been paying attention. When he came back Soup Rob read some of the law paper gobbledy-gook and he and francis argued about who could read better since francis said he'd read the same thing but included stuff that wasn't in Soup Rob's cliff notes.

Then the waffler weighed in and, lo and behold, he kinda seemed to have changed course on the whole deal. Shocker. Seems Tony had talked to Donny DA and Donny told him it would be ok to save some dough if the in-house lawyer people could do it with a used Cone of Silence from that old TV show where that guy drove that bombin Sunbeam Tiger.

Anyway this Cone of Silence deal is supposed to make it so somebody in the county lawyer place can do whatever it is francis wants without spending a whole lot of dough or something. It'll be interesting to see how that works out and if francis goes for it or does something stupid instead.

My hunch is that its probably not what francis wants, so maybe we'll get part trois!

But the most important thing is francis has friends to rely on, like the two guys in this next video, the scrubbing bubble and john Coke and a smile.

I wonder why they call him coke and a smile?

Rockem Sockem blogs

Truth has a nice ring to it and its true so I guess that's a point in it's favor.

 Somebody tossed a rock into the cave the other day and while we were sweeping up we noticed the note tied to it with a blog place scrawled on it and we're so dang curious we had to go check it out.

lcsotruth.blogspot.com seems like a place where some folks that francis has dumped on are taking the opportunity to dump back only they have bigger shovels.

May the best blog win.

Only its different from francis' propaganda blog cuz it isn't a solitary raving nutcase blow hard pretending not to be working for francis. And the truth blog doesn't wander around with different topics like francis' propaganda blog either. francis' propaganda blog has a dumb name too. When they started it right before an election they named it after the old Sheriff but he's not the Sheriff anymore and they got stuck with that name and don't know how to change it. But once the old sheriff wasn't sheriff anymore they didn't know what to do so its still named after the old Sheriff.

I guess the old Sheriff thinks that pretty funny since its like they'll always know him as the Sheriff. Probably francis doesn't think its all that funny.

The truth blog has some pictures and those are great but the coolest thing is they don't spend much time deletin' like francis' stockboy does. francis stockboy likes to keep a certain type of product on francis' propaganda blog shelves but sane people keep putting other stuff on the shelves that he has to take down. Stockboy spends a lot of time taking stuff down.

There might be as many as two nutcases working on francis' propaganda blog but it seems like only one of em has any real control so the other one is called the eunuch. Or maybe eunuch is a name. I dunno.

I've heard of Eunice before but that's a girls name and maybe Eunuch is a name for a boy that isn't fully committed to a particular gender or something.

So these two blogs are going at it over francis. On the truth blog they have a bunch of what francis said compared to what he did and a bunch of what he did on top of what he said he would do but didn't and other stuff he said he wouldn't do but did. On the not truth blog they don't have any pictures or any stuff that francis said and it kinda looks like somebody twisted up a fat doobie spliff and sat down to do some creative writing.

I never realized how viciously stupid a dooby spliff could make you til I looked at francis' propaganda blog.

Scrubbing bubble Esquire

One of the finer points of bloggery is the comments stuff and both blogs have comments that you don't have to put your name on. On francis' propaganda blog they boast about being anonymous like those folks that drink too much and on the truth blog they just don't want francis to figure out who they are because of what he said he wouldn't do but did anyway and they have bills to pay that francis might put a stop payment thing on.

francis' propaganda blog's stockboy doesn't like that the other blog is anonymous too. Neither does the scrubbing bubble, Esq.

So they go over and taunt the truth blog.

Over here at the cave we don't worry about stuff like that and figure if neither survives the francis deathmatch the cave will still be here.

A Study in Scarlet

Sherlock finds a clue

The spelunkers crack research unit took a break from researching the snack shelf to use the interweb thing and look up a name they found on the long story place. The name they searched was Ronnie Campos junior since spelunkers always laugh when middle aged guys are named junior.

And spelunkers like to laugh.

Amazingly the interweb search thing found the same place the spelunkers found the name in the first place and junior got two outta three top billings on the goggle.

I bet he's pleased to be famous like that.

Seems Ronnie got involved in some intrigue and started in motion a chain of events even he could not predict.

The story begins in locker room ripe with the smell of sweaty wrestlers and gym socks. While some wrestley guys were out pushing each other around on a mat somebody snuck into the locker room, stole a secret paper and took it back to his lair. Once the theft was discovered Sherlock Holmes was dispatched from 221B, Baker Street to solve the mystery.

Several moments after arriving, Sherlock led the search party to the home of Junior where they found the missing paper and another clue. Above Junior's bed they found the words Schließmuskel Licker which Holmes remarked is German for sphincter licker.

Holmes looked around at the puzzled search party, chuckled and said, junior has fallen in with the Verzögerungen. He didn't say what that meant but the way he was laughing the spelunkers knew it could only mean one thing. Junior helps out with Francis' propaganda blog when he's not occupied with contriving other clever schemes to destroy his own reputation and give his job prospects a good kick in the sac.

When we looked again at the what the search thing on the goggle had found when we searched for junior's name and were awestruck to see that Sherlock was right about junior without even using the goggle and went back to the cave to see what Muabladar was cooking for dinner.

Francis the Unicorn Hunter

Ever really want something but not get it because it just doesn't exist? I do that a lot, probably more than I should but these days I can better afford a really active imagination than the cooler creature comforts of life like food for example.

Unicorns puke rainbows

Francis is kinda like that too.

Seems he's decided the next phase of operation 'screw with the useful paradigm' is to figure out some way to stop Donny DA from finishing up his new homework assignment. Donny DA's new homework assignment is a special research thing that has to do with Francis shooting a doorjamb when he was trying to ventilate some guy he'd been sent to check on. I guess they call those welfare checks or something and I never knew the point of a welfare check was to shoot somebody or their house so I'm hoping nobody ever gets worried enough about me to call Francis.

Anyway Donny found out Francis wasn't really clear on what happened when he shot at that guy and I guess that's not good when you're a cop. At least its not good if you are so unclear on what happened that you can't tell the same story twice or something. Or maybe Francis screwed up when somebody like Skip Lingenberry gave him a ride back to reload and told him to tell a different story before heading back to finish off the rest of the doors at that guys place. Skip really hosed Francis though since if you're a cop you have to tell the same story no matter what.

The way it all came to a head is Donny DA knew Francis had made up part of what happened and did some kinda deal where it gets more serious but Francis didn't like that so he wants him to stop. My TV was turned off though so I missed the whole deal on TV8 so I had to watch that video on the long story place. I was jazzed they had a video because all those big words make me dizzy and I have to eat something to make my head stop spinning.

Fortunately the Spelunker's legal department was able to explain what Francis meant when he said if they didn't stop Donny he'd go get a "writ of mandate to prohibit the DA from his intended actions."

They told us that meant that Francis really, really wants the board of soups to stop the DA from completing his homework. But supposedly the soup can't stop Donny DA from doing anything or something like that and so that's Francis' mythical rainbow pukin' unicorn so maybe he really meant something else like when he changed his mind about why he shot that guys doorjamb.

But it gave me an idea.

I figure I can do the same thing and buy a house because when the bank says they want to investigate whether I can afford to pay for a house I'll just say nope, I'm getting a writ of mandate and stopping you, or else.

But first I'm gonna wait and see if it works for Francis.

Tune in next week after Francis rings the bell for round two with the soups to see if they'll give him the money to hunt for his unicorn or whatever it is he really wants a lawyer for.

Musical Interlude, Dude

I'm legion

One, two
One, two, three, five

Off my meds again
Just can't wait to get off my meds again
Make some crap up for my blogger crew
And I can't wait to get off my meds again

Off my meds again
Remember places that I've never been
Seein' things that I imagined
And I can't wait to get off my meds again

Off my meds again
Like a plague of locusts on a bender
Tom and Olga are my barrel bottom friends
Help me find some one to sue again

Off my meds again
I just can't wait to get off my meds again
Make some crap up for my blogger crew
And I can't wait to get off my meds again

Off my meds again
Like a plague of locusts on a bender
Tom and Olga are my barrel bottom friends
Help me find some one to sue again

Off my meds again
Just can't wait to get off my meds again
Then make some crap up for my blogger  crew
And I can't wait to get off my meds again
And I can't wait to get off my meds again

See ya next taunt now y'hear?

Driving, the Easy Way

I've always thought driving seemed more difficult than necessary and sought out ways to simplify the task be doing without some of the more cumbersome accoutrements like a drivers license or insurance.

That made my life easier but I still hadn't quite managed the autopilot type stuff George Jetson has so the actual act of driving still required me to pay some attention so I could flip a bitch before one of those cop checkpoints or make sure to steer between signs and buildings while driving on sidewalks.

I just found out one of the new marauders on the lake has come up with a scheme to put the lazy back in driving, lord strike me down with one of those light bulb deals if I'm wrong about this.

Olga Martin Squeele, best known for milking the public teat and inserting herself into every goddamn thing that comes along, has shown us that you can avoid the more menial tasks associated with driving by letting a cat do it. Kinda like Toonces but with some oversight.

What the Squeele does is straps a cat to the steering wheel so she can tool around talking on the phone and pounding BK stackers down her gullet.

Nobody would ever have found out if she hadn't wandered into the CPD recently and left her chaufeur in feline bondage out in the parking lot where Jeeves, the cat, started honking the horn to attract attention.

Probably just wanted to get the hell away from Olga.

Jeeves saw his opportunity and set about wailing at the top of his lungs and blowing that horn but Olga got done telling CPD how to do their jobs and came back to have him drive her home.