Never be Afeared Agin

Used to be us lake living types had all sorts of stuff to worry bout. These days its all good though ever since Francis has been around to save us from the scary things other places have.

Like Saber Tooth tigers, f'rinstance.

Pretend Saber Tooth Tiger

I haven't seen a single Saber Tooth tiger since Francis has been taking care of business. There's lots of other threats we don't see too much of either.

Misfit doorjambs cower at the thought of his big 'ol gun, no space aliens at all and even the volcano hasn't erupted once since francis has been on the job.

And if you are a pot smoking kid looking to score a fat three gram sack you better think twice since duh Sharuf will make sure you get your ass kicked on a regular basis and that every other kid at school knows your a snitch.

He'll make it so your house gets egged or some flaming poop waits on the doorstep.

And your folks can blame it all on you.

If your even dumber and try to turn that kid on you can bet your boots somebody will get their car jacked by that guy in the forest ranger outfit.

Pretend flaming bag 'o poop

Best of all, we don't have to worry about pretend motorcyclers not coming anywhere near the county. Don't worry about the ones you do see since Francis is only here to protect us from the imaginary ones.

He's even protecting us from that stupid old Constitution deal so we can sleep safe knowing that Francis has snipers out on the hills around the county looking out for phantom bikers. Who wants to extend Constitutional privilege to ghost bikers anyway?

Take that Federal Government!

Now Donny DA, he kinda missed the point. Just because Francis went down to stop the pretend bikers and halt traffic on the highway why should that be any big deal since how can you violate the rights of people that dont exist? I don't really get that part but supposedly it has something to do with intent.

Who cares what the plan was, it was a great time for everybody except maybe those guys that nearly wet themselves in a three car smashup on the way to the pretend party. Francis should file an IA on those guys to find out why they were going so fast to get there.

The Doorjamb's Revenge

Nobody really likes going to court. Well maybe some judges who get to be all judgey and stuff but for most of us it just means missing our favorite channel 8 show on how to grow weed in secret.

Et mendax est Poobah.

Its all bad waiting to find out if your recreational activities are gonna win you the three hots and a cot lottery or just a fine you aren't gonna pay anyhow.

Seems like Francis isn't hip to spending his spare time in court either so he figured out a smooth maneuver to keep him from sitting on those hard chairs waiting for his name to be called.

There's some kinda list that you can get your name on so you don't have to go to court if your a cop. I don't know if it works for jury duty but I'm looking into whether us citizens can get on this list and save the trouble of dreaming up some excuse to not do your cervical duty.

That list is a get out of court free card from what I can tell and Francis laid the groundwork to get on it by telling different stories depending on who he was talking to. Now he doesn't have to go to court anymore. Sweet. I think I'm gonna call KPFZ next time he's on there and ask him how I can get on the list.

Evidently for him it means he'll get to spend more time in his office screwing around with his propaganda blog and working on schemes to unseat supervisors and stuff. He won't have to go out in the county and do crime stuff anymore at all.

Now I don't know if its a joke but supposedly the name of the list is Brady, like that show from when I was a kid. Not really sure why they named some list after a TV show but it sure sounds like a sweet deal. Over on his propaganda blog they got so excited about it they wrote some poems and songs and stuff in honor of Francis' cleverness.

Here's one that kinda sounds like that show:

Here's the story,
Of a lying Sheriff,
Who has some major problems with the truth.
Most things he says are fabricated,
Like their speaker,
The biggest ones pure bull.

Here's the story,
Of a man named Francis,
Who was busy telling falsehoods all his own.
He told lots and lots of big lies,
Trying to convince us, but they were all just fibs.

Till the one day when the DA met this fellow,
and they knew their was much more than a hunch.
That this group,
Must somehow form a family.
That's the way Francis joined the Brady Bunch,
The Brady Bunch, the Brady Bunch
That's the way he joined the Brady Bunch.

Three Gram Conspiracy or Grand Theft Auto

A few weeks back I went for a walk in my neighbhorhood looking for a skunk that was fouling up the singlewide and got caught in a pungent haze obscuring my perception. Disoriented and feeling the need for a snack I started on my way home but it took me a while and I wandered the streets and hills looking for the singlewide. Just the other day through the haze of smoke and skunky smell I finally spotted the domicile and noticed that somebody had altered the steps a bit.

I guess they changed the locks while fixing the deck since my key didn't fit anymore and it wasn't until I was in the kitchen getting together a snack that I realized I'd wandered into someone else's singlewide. I picked up a few items to aid and sustain me on my quest to find my own pad and struck out again into the haze.

Turns out I was just a couple of blocks from Casa Dishevel so I didn't have to carry the bounty for long and now I've got a semi-used X-Box and some newish clothes for the long winter.

I sure hope whoever lives in that other singlewide don't mind me making a mess in their kitchen and breaking the back window.

After sleeping for several days to shake off the affects of the skunky haze I picked up the news and read about how Sharuf Francis has busted a huge criminal gang of pot dealers corrupting our nation's youth.

Four kids conspired to sell some other kid a couple of doobies but some confidential informant gave em up to the Sharuf.

Back in my day we'd keep those deals on the down low and not involve a bunch of people to hand off a doobie or two.

I was impressed at how Francis used some unconventional tactics to lasso the conspirators and get those three grams of weed off the streets. Don't know that my neighborhood would even notice a missing three gram supply but at least the Sharuf is doing something about these teen age cartels.

Kinda like emptying the lake with a teaspoon.

Too bad about those unconventional tactics though, seems that kidnapping and car theft aren't traditionally accepted forms of law enforcement. Stuff like that fouls up fantastic narco busts like this three gram haul and pretty much everybody but Francis agreed he probably got a little too excited. Who could blame him, the Task Force was outta town so it was all up to Francis to track down the teen cartel. 

I heard that snitch kid is getting his clock cleaned on a regular basis by all his other friends that don't want their three gram stashes ratted out.

Cave diving

This is neat. The spelunkers crack technical squad took a break from being nerds and did something useful. The cave geeks did some kinda voo-doo and got a list of the top searches that brought mystery visitors over to find out what's up with the cave.

Down the list after what you'd expect they noticed some unexpected findings. So we made a top ten list of coolest searches that found the cave.

• "getting his hair permed"
• killed kenny
• penile implant
• francis this i dont hate
• i don't need anger management i need people to stop pissing me off
• gay smokey bear images 
• ostrich
• crazy voter
• a sign that says lake closed 
• sock puppets

We can't say for sure that they were looking for this particular cave but it would appear that whatever they were looking for they stumbled into the shadows and made us chuckle.

Let us hope that the cave has changed some lives. Then again who cares?

Fence Cowboy

Riding a fence isn't such a bad thing, it kinda makes it so that no matter what happens you can always say you were with the winners. Course some folks will call you a spineless wieny and they'd be right.

Just so we're clear, fence-riding and waffling aren't the exact same thing. They're related but a little bit different. Generally a waffler is somebody who says they said something different when everybody already heard them say something else. Francis is a waffler for example like when everybody heard him yell about pepper spray then he later on said 'something shiny' after he shot that poor door jamb to death.

A fence cowboy is more like Supervisor Tony only he doesn't have spurs or a cool hat or stuff. Tony is more like that little train that keeps trying to go up that hill and someday he probably will pass the bar but so far he's still at the "I think I can" part of the project and whoever grades that deal just hasn't had a meeting of the minds with him yet.

Those jailer guys got a real taste of Tony on fenceback when moments after he voted agin 'em he took the opportunity to tell 'em he really was on their side. The vote only took about 5 seconds then 'ol Tony spent around three minutes clarifying his vote so everybody knows he wasn't really voting agin 'em but was voting for... well he never really got to that part but we figure Francis understood.

We assembled a team of waffle wranglers and fence riding experts here in the Cave to review some game clips to see whether Tony was waffling or fence riding at that meeting and whaddya know, we think he did both.

This clip shows what we figure is a pretty good example of fence riding as Tony explains how he voted against the jailer guys because he has so much respect for em. Sorta like that guy that nails the prom-queen and tells her "yah, I'll respect ya in the morning." I bet she didn't need a shower as bad as they did afterward though.



Tony isn't the only fence cowboy around though; we here at the cave change our minds from time to time and we believe that Tony is also a waffler. Not that we have anything against waffles here at the cave but we usually have ours with some high fructose corn syrup so they go down smoother.

The Wrecking Ball

Poor Francis, he was planning on having a gala event during the holidays to celebrate all his amazing successes but a couple of curveballs caught him in the groin and fouled up his clever holiday plan.

The first nutcracker was that business about successes, lots of folks can be successful with all kinds of things in ten months but Francis... well not so much.

How do ya like me now?

The other nutcracker is that there aren't enough folks left over at Poobah central to have any kinda classy ball. He tried to get names for the guest list but those darn deputies are all in touch and since everybody in the state knows too much about Francis already nobody stepped up to the guillotine but the Patador.

Speaking of the Patador, has anybody even seen that guy lately?

So Francis had to come up with a new plan for the gala. He baked it up late one night with Tom and Bruce like a kitchen full of girl scouts getting ready to go out and sell tons of cookies. Those guys reall do like to bake a lot but those Dang girl scouts never come over to the singlewide anymore since that last time.

The new deal kinda broadens the scope of the gala to include just about everthing Francis has accomplised so he can celebrate both side of the coin since the success side is pretty much an empty slate waiting for some kinda action.

That other side of the coin on the other hand well that side has plenty of stuff to list so Francis is going to throw a Wrecking Ball!

Yep, that's the big plan. He's mashed up all the working relationships the SO ever had and destroyed enough stuff to fill one heck of a speech during the Wrecking Ball. Francis is fond of being the center of attention so this will give hime something to do while all his guests are outside smoking. He can name all the careers he's ended and list all the budget numbers he fouled up then light a match to celebrate all the bridges he burnt to the ground.

Its gonna be one heckuva party.

Where's Waldo?

Examine this video closely and see if you can guess who's missing. What we have here is recognition of a local hometown hero guy. Francis has only been around a short while so he doesn't realize that shootings and hostage situations aren't the norm like wherever the heck he came from so he didn't even bother to tell Andy that he would be getting an award.