Stockboy Missing, Possibly Forgotten

The leader of Francis' propaganda blog has gone missing and is believed to be vacant. Known to most as Asswipe, Bruce the blogger hasn't been seen for weeks. He was last seen scratching his groin and stocking feminine hygiene products at a local market.

No search has been suggested as nobody really misses asswipes when they go missing.

When reached for comment, Francis cursed, took a long draw from a bottle containing a foul-smelling brown fluid and wiped his mouth on his sleeve before stating "asswipe's are what makes this county strong. If it weren't for that asswipe I'd have to do all the posting on my blog. I don't think Tom will have much time for this going forward."

At the local market where asswipe was last seen a climate of jubilation clung to the air like some sort of holiday cheer. The owner of that establishment ruminated over the loss of his stockboy "I can't believe my luck, it's not as easy firing people as it used to be so that asswipe really did me a favor."

Possible suspect in missing asswipe case.

Local detectives have been unable to gain traction on any leads that might indicate what happened to the asswipe but are focusing on this photograph.

 "Something about this guy doesn't add up so we're keeping an eye on him," the detective said, "Honestly, I'd rather chew tinfoil than work this case."

Anyone with information regarding the missing asswipe are welcome to call Francis on his cell phone.

The Brothers Glitch

Okay, no idea who these guys are but they sent a badge over to the cave for our critical analysis and inclusion in Ranger Francis' arsenal of badges and f'd up sound.

Yeah, we broke it.

The glitchlings seem to be practitioners of malfunctioning technology and scratched records and stuff and that's what they do. The sound is kinda foul but what kinda sound would you expect from a busted whatchacallit. Its not exactly punk or techno but kinda combines all the stuff that gets edited out of what some people call music so I guess its good for the environment since that crap won't wind up in the landfill.

Its better than that disco polo shit some people are dancing to in parking garages. When I'm in a dancing mood I usually spin up some old school, throw on the favorite combat boots, leap around like a crazed orangutan on speed and maybe get a bruise or two from flailing like I fell down a set of stairs or whatever. I guess that makes the shrubber a retro foreigner or just a musical hazard.

Let's have a fun dance party! 

But the badge is pretty cool and the rest of the spelunkers like it plenty so we decided to go ahead and delete those guys and just post the badge. Next time something breaks and starts making whack noise I'm gonna cut these guys a track and watch it go platinum.

Glitch on you crazy diamonds and thanks for the badge.

For whom the bell tolls?

Ranger Francis likes accountability every now and then.

Mostly when he likes that accountability deal its so he can blame somebody else for something since the way he looks at stuff is its just not that easy to point at himself the way his arm bends. 

So he always points at somebody else.

Ranger Francis practicing.

He's had a lot of pointing practice and is always looking for someone to point at so he can get everybody paying attention to something pointless and nobody points at him.

He'll be doing plenty of finger pointing for a while now since Donny DA is getting ready to turn in his homework assignment about Francis. Donny's homework was to figure out what went wrong when those Clearlake cops pointed guns at those Deputy guys.

Francis doesn't care about Donny's homework since he already turned his in. So now he's gonna try to make Donny look silly for turning his homework in second. Like Francis says "second place is the first loser."

Donny's homework is overdue but maybe that's since took a shot at the extra credit assignment and had it graded by the Agricultural General or somebody with those initials.

For a while everybody thought maybe Francis had made some kinda mistake by sneaking down into Clearlake without telling anybody and taking some guy hostage till Francis bought his own homework assignment from some guys and their homework showed what nobody guessed could be true.

Francis didn't make a mistake at all, according to that homework he bought. Instead it turned out that those Clearlake cop guys goofed up since they didn't know that Francis had snuck down into Clearlake with those deputies.

He paid more for that homework then I did for the Yo Mobile, course I had to pay for it myself and nobody dished out any tax money to help me get wheels.

Turns out those whacky Clearlake cop guys should have called up the dispatcheria to ask where everybody was before they went over to see what was going on with the fako hostage situation.

Then they would have known that Francis was  sneaking

It's a secret.

around in Clearlake. Only it was supposed to be super dooper secret squirrel deal so probably the guy over at the dispatcheria was busy having a snack and didn't even know.

Francis is also fond of changing uniform stuff because his deal is that perception is reality and he doesn't really care for the less complimentary aspects of raw reality without some kind of nifty filter to make it seem better for him.

That's why he has a sweet radio gig on idiot-point-one so he can share his version of reality without being abused by that raw reality stuff. He's even got his campaign manager helping him out to shape his message.

We got an old bucket from out back of the single wide and a paint stirrer and combined his passion for accountability with his perception is reality outlook and poured it out on the driveway to see what might happen.

Mostly it was just a pile of stinking goo but after a bit in the sun the goo started to congeal into shapes that might make for some good badges for Francis.

Each badge has its own particular better use, the two finger pointer badge is great for everyday use and formal cop day stuff while the special four finger pointer badge is more like for those busy days when the you-know-what is really hitting the fan and there's lots of extra blamin' to do.

For special occasions and everyday.

Attack of the Clones or Droids at Babylon?

Somewhere a sprinkler's parents are asking themselves "why, oh why didn't we use a condom?"

Join us as 'Rainbird the one-nut wonder' takes us on a magical trip through the joys of pharmacologically induced imagination that you too can experience in lieu of reality.

The Phone Call

Watch as suspicions form about what Francis and Tom might be up to in this suspense filled newsreel.

Will the truth about Francis and Tom be revealed? Will anyone ever get to have a six foot fence again? And what about that crappy perm? Don't miss out as these questions and others may be answered for the boy that Francis brought to Lake.

The Buck Stops Here

Lake County is a dangerous, scary place. If you aren't careful most anything can kill you here. From his short career in urban San Francisco, Ranger Francis understands the evil that lurks behind the ferns up there in Cobb so he always carrys a spare clip.

Just in case.

Recently, Ranger Francis courageously saved an innocent Hell's Angel from certain death at the hands of a ferocious fawn. The outlaw biker was on his way to church when from nowhere a rabid, acrobatic, meth addict deer leaped onto his motorcycle in a clear attempt at a hog-jacking.

The biker's hands were torn from his ape-hanger handle bars and he was thrown to the ground and faced certain death at the hooves of Bambi.

Just as death was preparing to fuel the Sheriff's crematorium Ranger Francis happened along the bloody scene and measured up the freakish situation he'd stumbled into.

Ranger Francis had to act fast to save the angel and pulled his 40 cal from its holster, drew down on the wounded baby deer and blew it away. Dirty Harry would have been proud.

In a gesture that caught everyone off-guard, Ranger Francis took full responsibility for his part in the heroic bloodbath by calling his squeeze at the local paper to let her know that he had once again saved the day.

Listen to the audio captured by an onlooker and notice that Ranger Francis fells Satan's spawn fawn with a single shot and reloads to make sure the biker's life was spared.



Holstering his weapon with a manly swagger, Sheriff Francis promised to onlookers that he would pressure that lefty commie loving DA into setting up roadblocks at county lines to make sure no more dangerous wildlife enters the county.

Detectives at the scene confirmed that several ferns, a barn door and an entire wooded area were also wounded.

Honorary spelunkers contributed to this article.

Coif de Jour

 WARNING: THIS CLIP CONTAINS BAD HAIRCUTS

 

 You may feel the need to share this horrifying haircut. And while the spelunkers don't encourage sharing in any form here it is anyway: http://youtu.be/KmL9BaOGeHI

 Now remember, we didn't say to share this. So if you do its not our fault if somebody pees their pants or stuff.