Stockboy Missing, Possibly Forgotten

The leader of Francis' propaganda blog has gone missing and is believed to be vacant. Known to most as Asswipe, Bruce the blogger hasn't been seen for weeks. He was last seen scratching his groin and stocking feminine hygiene products at a local market.

No search has been suggested as nobody really misses asswipes when they go missing.

When reached for comment, Francis cursed, took a long draw from a bottle containing a foul-smelling brown fluid and wiped his mouth on his sleeve before stating "asswipe's are what makes this county strong. If it weren't for that asswipe I'd have to do all the posting on my blog. I don't think Tom will have much time for this going forward."

At the local market where asswipe was last seen a climate of jubilation clung to the air like some sort of holiday cheer. The owner of that establishment ruminated over the loss of his stockboy "I can't believe my luck, it's not as easy firing people as it used to be so that asswipe really did me a favor."

Possible suspect in missing asswipe case.

Local detectives have been unable to gain traction on any leads that might indicate what happened to the asswipe but are focusing on this photograph.

 "Something about this guy doesn't add up so we're keeping an eye on him," the detective said, "Honestly, I'd rather chew tinfoil than work this case."

Anyone with information regarding the missing asswipe are welcome to call Francis on his cell phone.

The Brothers Glitch

Okay, no idea who these guys are but they sent a badge over to the cave for our critical analysis and inclusion in Ranger Francis' arsenal of badges and f'd up sound.

Yeah, we broke it.

The glitchlings seem to be practitioners of malfunctioning technology and scratched records and stuff and that's what they do. The sound is kinda foul but what kinda sound would you expect from a busted whatchacallit. Its not exactly punk or techno but kinda combines all the stuff that gets edited out of what some people call music so I guess its good for the environment since that crap won't wind up in the landfill.

Its better than that disco polo shit some people are dancing to in parking garages. When I'm in a dancing mood I usually spin up some old school, throw on the favorite combat boots, leap around like a crazed orangutan on speed and maybe get a bruise or two from flailing like I fell down a set of stairs or whatever. I guess that makes the shrubber a retro foreigner or just a musical hazard.

Let's have a fun dance party! 

But the badge is pretty cool and the rest of the spelunkers like it plenty so we decided to go ahead and delete those guys and just post the badge. Next time something breaks and starts making whack noise I'm gonna cut these guys a track and watch it go platinum.

Glitch on you crazy diamonds and thanks for the badge.

For whom the bell tolls?

Ranger Francis likes accountability every now and then.

Mostly when he likes that accountability deal its so he can blame somebody else for something since the way he looks at stuff is its just not that easy to point at himself the way his arm bends. 

So he always points at somebody else.

Ranger Francis practicing.

He's had a lot of pointing practice and is always looking for someone to point at so he can get everybody paying attention to something pointless and nobody points at him.

He'll be doing plenty of finger pointing for a while now since Donny DA is getting ready to turn in his homework assignment about Francis. Donny's homework was to figure out what went wrong when those Clearlake cops pointed guns at those Deputy guys.

Francis doesn't care about Donny's homework since he already turned his in. So now he's gonna try to make Donny look silly for turning his homework in second. Like Francis says "second place is the first loser."

Donny's homework is overdue but maybe that's since took a shot at the extra credit assignment and had it graded by the Agricultural General or somebody with those initials.

For a while everybody thought maybe Francis had made some kinda mistake by sneaking down into Clearlake without telling anybody and taking some guy hostage till Francis bought his own homework assignment from some guys and their homework showed what nobody guessed could be true.

Francis didn't make a mistake at all, according to that homework he bought. Instead it turned out that those Clearlake cop guys goofed up since they didn't know that Francis had snuck down into Clearlake with those deputies.

He paid more for that homework then I did for the Yo Mobile, course I had to pay for it myself and nobody dished out any tax money to help me get wheels.

Turns out those whacky Clearlake cop guys should have called up the dispatcheria to ask where everybody was before they went over to see what was going on with the fako hostage situation.

Then they would have known that Francis was  sneaking

It's a secret.

around in Clearlake. Only it was supposed to be super dooper secret squirrel deal so probably the guy over at the dispatcheria was busy having a snack and didn't even know.

Francis is also fond of changing uniform stuff because his deal is that perception is reality and he doesn't really care for the less complimentary aspects of raw reality without some kind of nifty filter to make it seem better for him.

That's why he has a sweet radio gig on idiot-point-one so he can share his version of reality without being abused by that raw reality stuff. He's even got his campaign manager helping him out to shape his message.

We got an old bucket from out back of the single wide and a paint stirrer and combined his passion for accountability with his perception is reality outlook and poured it out on the driveway to see what might happen.

Mostly it was just a pile of stinking goo but after a bit in the sun the goo started to congeal into shapes that might make for some good badges for Francis.

Each badge has its own particular better use, the two finger pointer badge is great for everyday use and formal cop day stuff while the special four finger pointer badge is more like for those busy days when the you-know-what is really hitting the fan and there's lots of extra blamin' to do.

For special occasions and everyday.

Attack of the Clones or Droids at Babylon?

Somewhere a sprinkler's parents are asking themselves "why, oh why didn't we use a condom?"

Join us as 'Rainbird the one-nut wonder' takes us on a magical trip through the joys of pharmacologically induced imagination that you too can experience in lieu of reality.

The Phone Call

Watch as suspicions form about what Francis and Tom might be up to in this suspense filled newsreel.

Will the truth about Francis and Tom be revealed? Will anyone ever get to have a six foot fence again? And what about that crappy perm? Don't miss out as these questions and others may be answered for the boy that Francis brought to Lake.

The Buck Stops Here

Lake County is a dangerous, scary place. If you aren't careful most anything can kill you here. From his short career in urban San Francisco, Ranger Francis understands the evil that lurks behind the ferns up there in Cobb so he always carrys a spare clip.

Just in case.

Recently, Ranger Francis courageously saved an innocent Hell's Angel from certain death at the hands of a ferocious fawn. The outlaw biker was on his way to church when from nowhere a rabid, acrobatic, meth addict deer leaped onto his motorcycle in a clear attempt at a hog-jacking.

The biker's hands were torn from his ape-hanger handle bars and he was thrown to the ground and faced certain death at the hooves of Bambi.

Just as death was preparing to fuel the Sheriff's crematorium Ranger Francis happened along the bloody scene and measured up the freakish situation he'd stumbled into.

Ranger Francis had to act fast to save the angel and pulled his 40 cal from its holster, drew down on the wounded baby deer and blew it away. Dirty Harry would have been proud.

In a gesture that caught everyone off-guard, Ranger Francis took full responsibility for his part in the heroic bloodbath by calling his squeeze at the local paper to let her know that he had once again saved the day.

Listen to the audio captured by an onlooker and notice that Ranger Francis fells Satan's spawn fawn with a single shot and reloads to make sure the biker's life was spared.



Holstering his weapon with a manly swagger, Sheriff Francis promised to onlookers that he would pressure that lefty commie loving DA into setting up roadblocks at county lines to make sure no more dangerous wildlife enters the county.

Detectives at the scene confirmed that several ferns, a barn door and an entire wooded area were also wounded.

Honorary spelunkers contributed to this article.

Coif de Jour

 WARNING: THIS CLIP CONTAINS BAD HAIRCUTS

 

 You may feel the need to share this horrifying haircut. And while the spelunkers don't encourage sharing in any form here it is anyway: http://youtu.be/KmL9BaOGeHI

 Now remember, we didn't say to share this. So if you do its not our fault if somebody pees their pants or stuff.

Peppers and Mayhem

I kinda like spicy grub sometimes, not all the time but every now and again I'll get one of those Santa Fe chalupa deals over at El Taco de Bell if they're doing one of those cool deals where they give you extra stuff like a giant size soda or a side of those nachos with those spicy peppers all smothered in that plasto cheese sauce stuff or whatever.

29.5% of daily fat!

I'm more likely to take the bait if its not one of those monster sodas though since most of the time when I get one I can't finish the whole thing before it gets all warm and nasty so I leave it someplace in the singlewide and the next thing I know theres an flotilla of ants crawling around in my Cap'n Crunch and I don't notice til after the first big bite. I used to wonder why they were so spicy until it had happened so many times the novelty totally wore off and now I struggle to swallow the cereal once I discover its been colonized by those 8 legged cereal lovin' bastards.

Why do they like my cereal so much anyway? They never eat any as far as I can tell and there's usually some dead soldier left in there littered about like ice cream sprinkles when they move on to wherever it is they go when they're done screwing around in my cereal so its not like its good for them. Whatever, its enough for me to just wonder at the mysteries.

Anyway, like I was saying I like authentic spicy food like El Taco de Bell because they use those little peppers that look pretty fierce but are really just only slightly more alarms than your average pickle. Not the sweet pickles though since those aren't spicy at all.

I think they call those peppers halapaino or something.

There's this other kinda pepper I've never tried because somebody warned me that it wasn't the kind of spicy I was acquainted with and it might create issues during the morning consitutional, if you know what I mean. I was reminded of that other pepper the other day when I was reading that news blog place that isn't the Bee. Since the Bee went to the five story limit I've had to give up my love of reading all those columns they write. I really liked those because they aren't hard to read.

Hostile pepper

Now I'm stuck with the other one where they write on and on and on in those long stories that have every freakin' detail I didn't care about in the first place. At least they have comments over there so when I get bored with the story I can find out what's really going on. Its almost as much fun as reading Francis' propaganda blog but I don't want to comment there because they don't seem to have much of a sense of humor and they might ban me like they did with the Scrubbing Bubble only I don't have a radio show to go whine about it.

Which brings me to my point.


Those other peppers I haven't tried are spelled just like that guys name that shot that other guy over some gal but I don't really know the details since the story was too long but I guess he was a hot-head and that kinda makes sense since he's named after a pepper.

My TV sucks

Its expensive running stuff. Stuff like a Sheriff's office must be really expensive. It takes plenty of clams to keep one of those things running when times are good. Now that times aren't so good it must be even harder so a good manager needs to make every penny count and be careful not to miss out on sweet funding opportunities.

LCSO xerascaping victim

Ranger Francis probably has figured this out by now and that would explain why he quit watering the landscaping out at the old Sheriff's Office place and at the substations. I haven't seen the one over in Lucerne lately but some guy pointed out that its nice that the place is all color coordinated because the grass matches the paint on the building now that all the grass has died.

Same thing over at Poobah central.


I guess Francis did his checkbook and figured out that the Indian money he blew off could be made up by not watering the plants and getting rid of all those officer dudes that used to work for him. I guess it must be kinda lonely sitting out there with all the dead grass but at least there aren't too many other cops around so its not like like the dead lawn is a regular topic of conversation.

Tommy climbing

Seems those heroic cost saving measures aren't enough though so Francis figured out another way to save money by cutting off the cable to the board of supervisors so they don't have to spend that money putting stuff on TV like those grievance hearings, for instance.

The only weird thing is that he didn't just call up mediacom and tell em to turn it off. He got his BFF Tommy to come over with his ladder and they chopped off the cable with his scissors. I guess that's what an action figure, protocol hating guy like Ranger Francis does when he wants something done. Don't mess around, just chop off that cable we'll save enough money to water the lawn or something.

Imagine my surprise when I flipped on the old RCA and nothing happened.

Stupid TV.

After I threw some hard boiled eggs at it it dawned on me that Ranger Francis did that to save the county money because it sure couldn't have had anything to do with sabotaging those televised grievance hearings. I kinda wanted to watch those but Ranger Francis knows what's best for me so I just sat around playing with my stinky old tony and denise sock puppets that I got on sale when Olivia's closed after those mean old gubmint dudes made Tom plead guilty.

Sock puppets are neat!

When Francis got Bruce

This is a transcript of the day when Bruce was given to Francis by his trusted friend Tom.

This bruce I got here was first purchased by your great-grandfather during the first World War. It was bought in a little general store in Knoxville, Tennessee. Made by the first company to ever make bruces. Up till then people just carried pocket bruces.

It was bought by private Doughboy Ernie Coolidge on the day he set sail for Paris. It was your great-grandfather's bruce and he wore it everyday he was in that war. When he had done his duty, he went home to your great-grandmother, took the bruce off, put it an old coffee can, and in that can it stayed 'til your granddad Dane Coolidge was called upon by his country to go overseas and fight the Germans once again.

This time they called it World War II. Your great-grandfather gave this bruce to your granddad for good luck. Unfortunately, Dane's luck wasn't as good as his old man's. Dane was a Marine and he was killed -- along with the other Marines at the battle of Wake Island. Your granddad was facing death, he knew it.

None of those boys had any illusions about ever leavin' that island alive. So three days before the Japanese took the island, your granddad asked a gunner on an Air Force transport name of Winocki, a man he had never met before in his life, to deliver to his infant son, who he'd never seen in the flesh, this bruce.

Three days later, your granddad was dead.

But Winocki kept his word. After the war was over, he paid a visit to your grandmother, delivering to your infant father, his Dad's bruce. This bruce. This bruce was with your Daddy when he was shot down over Hanoi. He was captured, put in a Vietnamese prison camp.

Bruce in nature

He knew if the bloggers ever saw the bruce it'd be confiscated, taken away. The way your Dad looked at it, that bruce was your birthright. He'd be damned if any bloggers were gonna put their greasy yella hands on his boy's birthright.

So he hid it in the one place he knew he could hide something. His ass.

Five long years, he wore this bruce up his ass. Then he died of dysentery, he gave me the bruce. I hid this ignorant little bruce up my ass two years. Then, after seven years, I was sent home to my family. And now, little francis, I give the bruce to you.

And with that, an idolatry that would last beyond an election season was unleashed onto the face of the planet.

Scrubbing Bubble Pops Gasket

A Philadelphia reject found his way on to Idiot-Point-One today in a curious effort to spew his opinion in which he was only successful in violating that cardinal sin of opening one's mouth to reveal what a fool he is.

Scrubbing Bubble Esquire

Ron Green Esquire, known to many as the walking Scrubbing Bubble, decided it was a good idea to consume some airwaves with his misguided impressions of what the First Amendment is all about. Fortunately some less stoned folks were around to school him and let him know what most folks think of the guy.

His plan was to rail against a website that had blocked him and couch his bruised ego in grandiose claims of First Amendment wrongdoing. The host of the show, Steve Elias, explained to the Scrubbing Bubble that no, the First Amendment isn't his personal sockpuppet and that what it really means is that Freedom of the Press belongs to them that owns the presses.
Steve further went on to point out that he wished he'd know that the Scrubbing Bubble was going to name businesses he'd like to target for boycott on the airwaves of Idiot-Point-One where they need those dang underwriters.

For those that missed the show, here it is in its full crazy.


Finally Steve withdrew his pitchfork from the Scrubbing Bubble's dogma and they started the onslaught of calls to decry the censorship and show support for the mortally wounded Scrubbing Bubble.
The first call was some guy who wanted to talk about that snake island where they sing those really long song. Then somebody else called in to complain that he can't get Sesame Street on TV around here and the Free Speech minded Scrubbing Bubble cut him off short and took another call.
Finally somebody called to talk about the Scrubbing Bubble's bruised ego. But they just ranted away like some kind of paranoid pothead conspiracy freak and didn't make a lick of sense so the Scrubbing Bubble opened the lines for another supporter only this guy wasn't falling for it.
He first reminded the Scrubbing Bubble Esquire that the First Amendment isn't about the Scrubbing Bubble's fantasies but is about the government and how that website did the right thing.
Then it got kinda interesting and before they cut him off he landed a few choice morsels of food for thought right on the Scrubbing Bubble's chin and reminded everyone what a pompous jerk the Scrubbing Bubble is. Listen to that clip here.



Hey Ron, you can blog here anytime. The Spelunkers, that's with a CAPITAL "s," will defend your right to make a fool of yourself to the death! Maybe that's extreme...

Okay tell you what, we'll just play dead, kinda like you play lawyer when everyone really knows you're just a blathering fool.