Stump Speech

Some gal with an expired possum for a hairdo has decided she's gonna be the among the next crop of supervisors and to launch her bid she went out and showed the current people that do that just how much smarter she is.

In this clip we learn that, according to the mosslady, the serious boyz in the washington hood really do think its okay if we grow pot.

Just wait til Francis finds out about all this since he's been letting some guys masquerading as Federal troopers with helicopters and stuff go around scooping up all the hillside shrubs. Boy is he gonna be embarrassed.

Such a thorough command of native laws and stuff really does make the mosslady smarter since nobody else knew that, not even the lawyer in the room. Mosslady, you sure showed them!

Welcome to Salem

LCSO gets new decor.

Francis has decided that modern times are just too much of a chore what with all the need for evidence and due process and all that guff. So filled with disdain is he that he's decided to turn the clock back to the 1690s.

"The Salem witch trials established a more effective method of enforcement that I think we've all forgotten," Francis said during a recent press conference to announce his current approach to governance.

Francis has put the entire Sheriff's place on notice that nobody will be overlooked and only true loyalty, certified by blood oath, will save one from the newly installed stocks out front of Poobah Central or getting tossed into the lake to see if you float or sink.

Floating is bad since that means you are guilty of whatever Francis wants while sinking proves your innocence but you drown so its a win-win. To sit on the selection tribunal, Francis got together his hand picked campaign staff including Olga Martin Steele, Tom Carter, Bruce Forsythe, Mary Beth Strong, Becky Curry and Pill Murphy.

BFF Tom greeted the new good old boy way of doing things with a cheer and after putting down his bong said "This is so cool, once I get back from 'the big house' I'm going to rename Upper Lake to Salem, since I'm the mayor I can do that."

Nobody has told Tom that he isn't really the mayor.

The current batch of witches isn't known since Francis hasn't gotten around to naming them yet but they are probably some of the same ones he accused of atrocities and war-crimes back before he won the mandate of the county. On that occasion he was probably able to identify all the witches because they turned their backs on him and left the room for fear of being exposed.

Dissenters of the new good old boy way of doing things are concerned that insufficient evidence of witchcraft exists today and point to missing criteria for the work of Satan like smallpox, admission of spectral evidence and convulsive ergotism.

Unphased by concerns about his approach Francis says his own presence proof positive that Satan is alive and well in Lake because "where there's minions there's mephistopheles," he said, "wooorship meeee!"

According to Francis' flower a month calendar hangings by lottery are scheduled for early next year.

Ranger Francis announced his witch hunt with this press release: Ranger Francis witch hunt kickoff flyer

Pat's European Holiday

One week into his shiny new GOB job, Francis' new undersheriff headed off to Spain to score a pair of swanky matador pants for Ranger Francis.

Francis' flower a month calendar.

Unfortunately Pat didn't get back in time for the 5th Annual Jarepeo and that really ticked Francis off last week, we all noticed he was really angry about something and all grumbly and shouty and stuff but didn't know why until we learned about the matador pants and then it all clicked.

At first we thought maybe he was mad that Pat went on a two-week holiday a week after starting work but that wasn't it at all. We bugged Francis' office so we could listen in.

Pat was on a super dooper secret squirrel mission to get Francis those matador pants so he could wear them to the 5th Annual Jarepeo. Francis really wanted to go to the 5th Annual Jarepeo because it rhymes with the name of one of Francis' heros - Joe Arpaio.

Ranger Francis had fears that at the 5th Annual Jarepeo he wouldn't be the absolute center of attention so he sent Pat off to get those pants.

Pat squeezes into Francis' matador pants.

Francis really wanted those pants for the 5th Annual Jarepeo because they fit real snug just like President Bush's 'mission accomplished' pants and show off his junk.

Only Pat didn't come back in time for the 5th Annual Jarepeo.

Pat called Francis during the week to tell him that he was running late for the 5th Annual Jarepeo and when he heard the sniveling disappointment in Francis' voice he realized Francis needed those pants like yesterday and he was going to have to really step it up a notch to impress his new boss.

Pat models his swanky Patador outfit.

So instead of buying just one pair of matador pants and risking the wrath of Ranger Francis, Pat bought two pairs of matador pants and then found a really fantastic paella recipe so he and Francis could each put on a pair of matador pants and talk about their brilliant future together over a steaming pile of paella and some chilled San Miguel.

About this vacation deal. How come at my GOB job I had to wait three flipping months before I could take a break but Pat gets to go on holiday after a week?

I bet Pat thinks he's the teacher's pet or something. Boy is he gonna be surprised when Francis rolls him under the bus at the first stop and he gets his cool new matador pants messy. On the bright side Pat looks pretty good in those pink matador pants.

Its kinda too bad he won't be at the 6th Annual Jarepeo to show off his smokin' hot Patador outfit.

Stockboy Missing, Possibly Forgotten

The leader of Francis' propaganda blog has gone missing and is believed to be vacant. Known to most as Asswipe, Bruce the blogger hasn't been seen for weeks. He was last seen scratching his groin and stocking feminine hygiene products at a local market.

No search has been suggested as nobody really misses asswipes when they go missing.

When reached for comment, Francis cursed, took a long draw from a bottle containing a foul-smelling brown fluid and wiped his mouth on his sleeve before stating "asswipe's are what makes this county strong. If it weren't for that asswipe I'd have to do all the posting on my blog. I don't think Tom will have much time for this going forward."

At the local market where asswipe was last seen a climate of jubilation clung to the air like some sort of holiday cheer. The owner of that establishment ruminated over the loss of his stockboy "I can't believe my luck, it's not as easy firing people as it used to be so that asswipe really did me a favor."

Possible suspect in missing asswipe case.

Local detectives have been unable to gain traction on any leads that might indicate what happened to the asswipe but are focusing on this photograph.

 "Something about this guy doesn't add up so we're keeping an eye on him," the detective said, "Honestly, I'd rather chew tinfoil than work this case."

Anyone with information regarding the missing asswipe are welcome to call Francis on his cell phone.

The Brothers Glitch

Okay, no idea who these guys are but they sent a badge over to the cave for our critical analysis and inclusion in Ranger Francis' arsenal of badges and f'd up sound.

Yeah, we broke it.

The glitchlings seem to be practitioners of malfunctioning technology and scratched records and stuff and that's what they do. The sound is kinda foul but what kinda sound would you expect from a busted whatchacallit. Its not exactly punk or techno but kinda combines all the stuff that gets edited out of what some people call music so I guess its good for the environment since that crap won't wind up in the landfill.

Its better than that disco polo shit some people are dancing to in parking garages. When I'm in a dancing mood I usually spin up some old school, throw on the favorite combat boots, leap around like a crazed orangutan on speed and maybe get a bruise or two from flailing like I fell down a set of stairs or whatever. I guess that makes the shrubber a retro foreigner or just a musical hazard.

Let's have a fun dance party! 

But the badge is pretty cool and the rest of the spelunkers like it plenty so we decided to go ahead and delete those guys and just post the badge. Next time something breaks and starts making whack noise I'm gonna cut these guys a track and watch it go platinum.

Glitch on you crazy diamonds and thanks for the badge.

For whom the bell tolls?

Ranger Francis likes accountability every now and then.

Mostly when he likes that accountability deal its so he can blame somebody else for something since the way he looks at stuff is its just not that easy to point at himself the way his arm bends. 

So he always points at somebody else.

Ranger Francis practicing.

He's had a lot of pointing practice and is always looking for someone to point at so he can get everybody paying attention to something pointless and nobody points at him.

He'll be doing plenty of finger pointing for a while now since Donny DA is getting ready to turn in his homework assignment about Francis. Donny's homework was to figure out what went wrong when those Clearlake cops pointed guns at those Deputy guys.

Francis doesn't care about Donny's homework since he already turned his in. So now he's gonna try to make Donny look silly for turning his homework in second. Like Francis says "second place is the first loser."

Donny's homework is overdue but maybe that's since took a shot at the extra credit assignment and had it graded by the Agricultural General or somebody with those initials.

For a while everybody thought maybe Francis had made some kinda mistake by sneaking down into Clearlake without telling anybody and taking some guy hostage till Francis bought his own homework assignment from some guys and their homework showed what nobody guessed could be true.

Francis didn't make a mistake at all, according to that homework he bought. Instead it turned out that those Clearlake cop guys goofed up since they didn't know that Francis had snuck down into Clearlake with those deputies.

He paid more for that homework then I did for the Yo Mobile, course I had to pay for it myself and nobody dished out any tax money to help me get wheels.

Turns out those whacky Clearlake cop guys should have called up the dispatcheria to ask where everybody was before they went over to see what was going on with the fako hostage situation.

Then they would have known that Francis was  sneaking

It's a secret.

around in Clearlake. Only it was supposed to be super dooper secret squirrel deal so probably the guy over at the dispatcheria was busy having a snack and didn't even know.

Francis is also fond of changing uniform stuff because his deal is that perception is reality and he doesn't really care for the less complimentary aspects of raw reality without some kind of nifty filter to make it seem better for him.

That's why he has a sweet radio gig on idiot-point-one so he can share his version of reality without being abused by that raw reality stuff. He's even got his campaign manager helping him out to shape his message.

We got an old bucket from out back of the single wide and a paint stirrer and combined his passion for accountability with his perception is reality outlook and poured it out on the driveway to see what might happen.

Mostly it was just a pile of stinking goo but after a bit in the sun the goo started to congeal into shapes that might make for some good badges for Francis.

Each badge has its own particular better use, the two finger pointer badge is great for everyday use and formal cop day stuff while the special four finger pointer badge is more like for those busy days when the you-know-what is really hitting the fan and there's lots of extra blamin' to do.

For special occasions and everyday.

Attack of the Clones or Droids at Babylon?

Somewhere a sprinkler's parents are asking themselves "why, oh why didn't we use a condom?"

Join us as 'Rainbird the one-nut wonder' takes us on a magical trip through the joys of pharmacologically induced imagination that you too can experience in lieu of reality.