Welcome to Salem

LCSO gets new decor.

Francis has decided that modern times are just too much of a chore what with all the need for evidence and due process and all that guff. So filled with disdain is he that he's decided to turn the clock back to the 1690s.

"The Salem witch trials established a more effective method of enforcement that I think we've all forgotten," Francis said during a recent press conference to announce his current approach to governance.

Francis has put the entire Sheriff's place on notice that nobody will be overlooked and only true loyalty, certified by blood oath, will save one from the newly installed stocks out front of Poobah Central or getting tossed into the lake to see if you float or sink.

Floating is bad since that means you are guilty of whatever Francis wants while sinking proves your innocence but you drown so its a win-win. To sit on the selection tribunal, Francis got together his hand picked campaign staff including Olga Martin Steele, Tom Carter, Bruce Forsythe, Mary Beth Strong, Becky Curry and Pill Murphy.

BFF Tom greeted the new good old boy way of doing things with a cheer and after putting down his bong said "This is so cool, once I get back from 'the big house' I'm going to rename Upper Lake to Salem, since I'm the mayor I can do that."

Nobody has told Tom that he isn't really the mayor.

The current batch of witches isn't known since Francis hasn't gotten around to naming them yet but they are probably some of the same ones he accused of atrocities and war-crimes back before he won the mandate of the county. On that occasion he was probably able to identify all the witches because they turned their backs on him and left the room for fear of being exposed.

Dissenters of the new good old boy way of doing things are concerned that insufficient evidence of witchcraft exists today and point to missing criteria for the work of Satan like smallpox, admission of spectral evidence and convulsive ergotism.

Unphased by concerns about his approach Francis says his own presence proof positive that Satan is alive and well in Lake because "where there's minions there's mephistopheles," he said, "wooorship meeee!"

According to Francis' flower a month calendar hangings by lottery are scheduled for early next year.

Ranger Francis announced his witch hunt with this press release: Ranger Francis witch hunt kickoff flyer