Never be Afeared Agin

Used to be us lake living types had all sorts of stuff to worry bout. These days its all good though ever since Francis has been around to save us from the scary things other places have.

Like Saber Tooth tigers, f'rinstance.

Pretend Saber Tooth Tiger

I haven't seen a single Saber Tooth tiger since Francis has been taking care of business. There's lots of other threats we don't see too much of either.

Misfit doorjambs cower at the thought of his big 'ol gun, no space aliens at all and even the volcano hasn't erupted once since francis has been on the job.

And if you are a pot smoking kid looking to score a fat three gram sack you better think twice since duh Sharuf will make sure you get your ass kicked on a regular basis and that every other kid at school knows your a snitch.

He'll make it so your house gets egged or some flaming poop waits on the doorstep.

And your folks can blame it all on you.

If your even dumber and try to turn that kid on you can bet your boots somebody will get their car jacked by that guy in the forest ranger outfit.

Pretend flaming bag 'o poop

Best of all, we don't have to worry about pretend motorcyclers not coming anywhere near the county. Don't worry about the ones you do see since Francis is only here to protect us from the imaginary ones.

He's even protecting us from that stupid old Constitution deal so we can sleep safe knowing that Francis has snipers out on the hills around the county looking out for phantom bikers. Who wants to extend Constitutional privilege to ghost bikers anyway?

Take that Federal Government!

Now Donny DA, he kinda missed the point. Just because Francis went down to stop the pretend bikers and halt traffic on the highway why should that be any big deal since how can you violate the rights of people that dont exist? I don't really get that part but supposedly it has something to do with intent.

Who cares what the plan was, it was a great time for everybody except maybe those guys that nearly wet themselves in a three car smashup on the way to the pretend party. Francis should file an IA on those guys to find out why they were going so fast to get there.

The Doorjamb's Revenge

Nobody really likes going to court. Well maybe some judges who get to be all judgey and stuff but for most of us it just means missing our favorite channel 8 show on how to grow weed in secret.

Et mendax est Poobah.

Its all bad waiting to find out if your recreational activities are gonna win you the three hots and a cot lottery or just a fine you aren't gonna pay anyhow.

Seems like Francis isn't hip to spending his spare time in court either so he figured out a smooth maneuver to keep him from sitting on those hard chairs waiting for his name to be called.

There's some kinda list that you can get your name on so you don't have to go to court if your a cop. I don't know if it works for jury duty but I'm looking into whether us citizens can get on this list and save the trouble of dreaming up some excuse to not do your cervical duty.

That list is a get out of court free card from what I can tell and Francis laid the groundwork to get on it by telling different stories depending on who he was talking to. Now he doesn't have to go to court anymore. Sweet. I think I'm gonna call KPFZ next time he's on there and ask him how I can get on the list.

Evidently for him it means he'll get to spend more time in his office screwing around with his propaganda blog and working on schemes to unseat supervisors and stuff. He won't have to go out in the county and do crime stuff anymore at all.

Now I don't know if its a joke but supposedly the name of the list is Brady, like that show from when I was a kid. Not really sure why they named some list after a TV show but it sure sounds like a sweet deal. Over on his propaganda blog they got so excited about it they wrote some poems and songs and stuff in honor of Francis' cleverness.

Here's one that kinda sounds like that show:

Here's the story,
Of a lying Sheriff,
Who has some major problems with the truth.
Most things he says are fabricated,
Like their speaker,
The biggest ones pure bull.

Here's the story,
Of a man named Francis,
Who was busy telling falsehoods all his own.
He told lots and lots of big lies,
Trying to convince us, but they were all just fibs.

Till the one day when the DA met this fellow,
and they knew their was much more than a hunch.
That this group,
Must somehow form a family.
That's the way Francis joined the Brady Bunch,
The Brady Bunch, the Brady Bunch
That's the way he joined the Brady Bunch.

Three Gram Conspiracy or Grand Theft Auto

A few weeks back I went for a walk in my neighbhorhood looking for a skunk that was fouling up the singlewide and got caught in a pungent haze obscuring my perception. Disoriented and feeling the need for a snack I started on my way home but it took me a while and I wandered the streets and hills looking for the singlewide. Just the other day through the haze of smoke and skunky smell I finally spotted the domicile and noticed that somebody had altered the steps a bit.

I guess they changed the locks while fixing the deck since my key didn't fit anymore and it wasn't until I was in the kitchen getting together a snack that I realized I'd wandered into someone else's singlewide. I picked up a few items to aid and sustain me on my quest to find my own pad and struck out again into the haze.

Turns out I was just a couple of blocks from Casa Dishevel so I didn't have to carry the bounty for long and now I've got a semi-used X-Box and some newish clothes for the long winter.

I sure hope whoever lives in that other singlewide don't mind me making a mess in their kitchen and breaking the back window.

After sleeping for several days to shake off the affects of the skunky haze I picked up the news and read about how Sharuf Francis has busted a huge criminal gang of pot dealers corrupting our nation's youth.

Four kids conspired to sell some other kid a couple of doobies but some confidential informant gave em up to the Sharuf.

Back in my day we'd keep those deals on the down low and not involve a bunch of people to hand off a doobie or two.

I was impressed at how Francis used some unconventional tactics to lasso the conspirators and get those three grams of weed off the streets. Don't know that my neighborhood would even notice a missing three gram supply but at least the Sharuf is doing something about these teen age cartels.

Kinda like emptying the lake with a teaspoon.

Too bad about those unconventional tactics though, seems that kidnapping and car theft aren't traditionally accepted forms of law enforcement. Stuff like that fouls up fantastic narco busts like this three gram haul and pretty much everybody but Francis agreed he probably got a little too excited. Who could blame him, the Task Force was outta town so it was all up to Francis to track down the teen cartel. 

I heard that snitch kid is getting his clock cleaned on a regular basis by all his other friends that don't want their three gram stashes ratted out.