Running on Empty

Being morally bankrupt and ethically challenged are two things a guy like Ranger Francis can roll with but without gas...

We can say with absolute certainty what lots of us have thought for a while - Ranger Francis doesn't like being told what to do by anyone - or anything. While there are lots of times that this has happened and he's stuck to his principles this last time sure showed us.

Recently Ranger Francis found himself subject to the demands of an overzealous and possibly racist, GOB gas guage. Not one to be told what to do, Francis just kept on driving until he found himself standing along the side of the road with a dead cop car.

Driving a police car is heady stuff and takes great responsibility so luckily his presence as the top law enforcement officer in the good old US of A wasn't required while he stood there in the sun.

Five minutes earlier the scene looked entirely different... "Hey what's that up there, Francis thought to himself, that kinda looks like one of my cruisers." So he did his mental checklist, silently ticking off all the clues he'd learned from a video some kind hearted soul had posted on the tubes.

"Light bar... check!"
"Radio antenna... check!"
"Sheriffs logo on car door... check!"
"Uniformed officer seated at the wheel... check!"

"Looks about right, he thought, but I better call in the plates to be sure." "Hello Dispatch?" he grumbled into his radio. "Yes, Sheriff, this is Dispatch." "I need to run the plates on a vehicle to see if it's one of mine." "Alrighty Sheriff, remember last time, does this one have a lightbar, radio antenna and  a logo on the door?" "Yep, its got all that stuff and somebody that looks familiar is sitting in the driver's seat with a uniform on too." "Okay then Sheriff, that sounds like one of ours, probably not necessary to run the plates at this point." "Damnit! Did I ask you to tell me what to do or did I tell you to run those plates?" "Alright Sheriff, we'll run those plates ... why yes indeed that is a Sheriff's department vehicle."

Ranger Francis then hung up the phone and decided to follow the deputy to observe what rules they were doing wrong so he could start an IA and get that GOB the heck outta here, whoever he is. Pressing down hard on the gas pedal to catch up he thought to himself "odd, the car is slowing down when it should be going faster... now its stopping, WTF?!"

Rolling to a stop on the shoulder he pondered what could possibly have been done to sabotage him and he thought back to the flashing light on the dashboard that had been trying to get his attention for the last half hour. "Could that have been a warning?" After turning it over in his mind several times he realised the only possible explanation was that somebody had fiddled with his car to make it run out of gas. "I'll file an IA on this car to sort this out."


But the fuel crisis wasn't his most pressing problem, he was on his way to pick his kid up from school and now he had to figure out what to do. Can't call a deputy to bring a gas can because they're all in on the prank he thought. "I know, I'll call one of 'the handlers,' they always know what to do." So he dialed his phone and called Olga but she didn't answer. Then he called Tommy but Tommy was getting his hair permed and couldn't break away. Next he called Bruce but Bruce had been tipping em back and didn't want to chance another DUI even if Francis said he'd take care of it.

His last plea was to call 'the pill' and when pill answered Francis could tell right away he'd been out in the yard doing something. "Hey Pill, this is Francis, I need a favor." "What's that Francis?" "Well I need you to come down here with a gas can because something has been done to my cruiser and now its out of gas." "Unh, yah Francis, I'd love to, really I would but I'm out here, uh, tending my roses." "C'mon Pill, I'm gonna file an IA and I'll need your help to leak the information." "Unh, yah Francis, that sounds really tempting but I'm gonna have to come meet with you later on to find out about that IA, maybe next time"

So Francis hung up once again and reconsidered calling a deputy since they do this all the time but decided instead to call Uncle Stinky's Snooz-A-Stop and Tow Service instead and they said they'd be right out.


An hour later the driver from Stinky's rolled up to find Francis angrily cursing at his car and towed him back to get some gas. Next time your laughing at Ranger Francis for his rookie move consider that lots of people run out of gas every day. Usually blondes and teenagers but it could happen to you too if you don't pay heed to the idiot gauge.

Francis' Golden Shovel Award

Lots of talk lately about what Francis isn't doing so well at his new job and the spelunkers crew think a lot of folks have missed his greatest talent.

Francis in his favorite hole

All those gaffs, foibles and screwups combined with the fact that he can't open his mouth without lying about something indicates Francis has a hidden talent that should be recognized. So we decided to ask some people if they have an opinion on his innate abilty to dig a deeper hole for himself.

Francis can't shut up and that's his key shortcoming, he just doesn't know when he's said too much, he even got himself a radio show so he could broadcast his sharpest character flaw to all four listeners of idiot-point-one. They seem to really like it though so they call in and praise him for the precise things he's screwed up.

Maybe that is some kind of freakshow cathartic deal where losers who can't get it right see him as a hero of the unsung asswipe. Rarely do people in law enforcement champion criminals and clearly there is a demographic that likes that kinda thing.

Golden Shovel award

So Francis gets out there with his shovel and keeps on digging as though he thinks at some point he'll emerge in an alternate universe where the crap he pulls is acceptable. Or maybe Francis wants to join the spelunkers but doesn't have a cave.


We asked Donny DA what he thought about Francis and his shovelling prowess. DA Donny only said "hey all I'm doing is trying not to interrupt him."

Then we overheard a brief converstion between Francis and his mom "Fraaaaancis, time to come in for some num nums! Put down the shovel for a bit and try to climb out of that pit honey - your little friends Tommmy and Brucey will be here soon."

"I can't stop now mommy," Francis shouted from the bottom of his pit," I just know there's a bone in here someplace - I was watching the dog and saw him come out here when he was supposed to be crapping on the neighbor's lawn so he must have left a bone for me in here. I'm gonna file an IA and try to get that dumb dog to tell me where he hid it!"

We decided to stick around and see what happened when Tommy and Brucey showed up and after a bit Tommy arrived alone. "Hey Francis, 420 dude, let's burn one! Any chance I can use that pit? I've got some product I need to grow someplace and those damn Feds just won't leave me alone," Tommy asked. "Brucey couldn't come out and play today because he messed his pants again and didn't have anything clean to put on. So he's gonna stay at the trailer do some deletin'."

Francis missed num-nums that night and it was getting dark but he was still digging away like a mole on crack, his voice getting fainter way down there in this pit trying to find a bone while his dog is sitting up on the porch gnawing away at it. Should we tell him where the bone is or let him keep on digging?

Sacred Sites and Snaky Places

This is a pretty cool place to live if you can't afford "for-profit" entertainment like me. So I get to watch TV sometimes and listen to the radio or whatever like today. Today those people that are 'in charge' of the county got a taste of some of the county's finest free entertainment and since I left the TV on I got to enjoy it too.

The show today was about this guy who bought this snake island and then some other folks decided that it was theirs the whole time. So they all went to the meeting today. John went with a bunch of attorneys since its really hard to own anything without a lawyer I guess and all these other interesting folk showed up too.

Evidently they don't have any serious money so they want that guy to give them that island because they like snakes or something. The best part was when this guy Howard Chavez sang that other guy a song so he'd give them the island. This other dude, Wounded Knee, took a less direct approach and sounded more like James Cagney in some gangster flick "Look here, see, sacred sites can be scary, see, bad stuff can happen, see.

We all knew what Mr. Knee really meant 'give up the island or we're gonna send some dead people over there to haunt you buddy.'

Nothing says dignified like a gumby shirt and plaid shorts...

Nazi Love Triangle

I've been thinking about all the racist stuff over on Francis' ex-sheriff love fest propaganda blog and wondering about the fixation. Kinda reminds me of how when I started maturing and I noticed that those guys that were really, truly obsessed with gay folks were probably latent homosexuals on some level. At least they made me more uncomfortable than the homos anyway.


All that thinking made me hungry so I raided the fridge in the singlewide and sat down to ponder the whole sick and twisted thing more carefully over a pile of pop tarts and some grape nehi. Its pretty clear that there is some kind of freakish love triangle involving Francis, Tom and Bruce. They also seem to be fixated on this whole racist idea that keeps dominating Francis' propanganda blog page deal.

Rally round the flags.

Are those three having a nazi love triangle? Not that there's anything wrong with that...

You know how when somebody fouls up like when Francis shot at that guy and killed the doorjamb he claimed that guy had something shiny in his hand but everybody else heard him shouting 'drop the pepper spray?' Or like when those CPD cops almost unloaded live rounds on some undercover deputies Francis says were wearing clearly visible raid jackets he tried to blame the CPD for not asking if the deputies were the ones doing the home invasion hostage thing they'd been called about?

I figure its like that with the racist stuff too. Like this, Francis is clearly working some kind of messed up propaganda angle to try to keep people from knowing that things are really unraveling all around him. Hell I hear he's even gotten a show on idiot-point-one as part of his disinformation campaign... anyway, the whole propaganda thing and flag wrapping modus operandi just reaks of fascist behavior so those guys are trying to beat everyone else to the punch by claiming anyone that questions the poobah is a racist.

Bake Sale!

Francis needs to raise some extra cash over there at felony corner to make sure the operation keeps on rolling so he's decided the best way to do it is to have a bake sale.

Yummy Sheriff Brownies

Bestest friend Tom is gonna do most of the baking and he says not to worry about the green in his brownies because it isn't mold. Tom does advise "don't eat too many, uh, of those dude. I mean, um, especially if  you're gonna be driving."

Bummer stuff seems to follow Francis around and he's lost some serious moola because he didn't think negotiation was part of politics and that has put a real damper on the prospects of throwing pizza parties for his beloved staff.

Francis really does like pizza so its important we all rally around and step up to support the LCSO bake sale to help mitigate the damage done by losing all that money the tribes were gonna give him and the extra cash its gonna cost to pay for the lawsuits piling up on his doorstep.

Well all that and for his re-election next June when all those do-gooder recall people fillet him like a trout.