Think Outside the Soup Box

Some people have all the luck. Seems some gal over at the jail that francis didn't like got the boot but since the boot was laced wrong or something she's gonna get her gig back. I've never had that kinda luck. Rehired on a technicality or something.

From what I can tell from the long story place francis fired her for something that was none of his business or something so she got a lawyer and went and kicked francis in the nuts like a champ.

Damn that dude gets kicked there a lot.

If I were him I'd get myself some serious protection like a titanium codpiece or whatever.

I guess what happened is the gal liked working at the jail so much she didn't really care if francis fired her since nobody likes him anyway so she got her lawyer and they had some kinda meeting where some other guy was supposed to tell her to pack her stuff but didn't because francis didn't show up to tell her to pack her stuff. Maybe that's not exactly how it went but all those words made my head hurt so I got some ice cream to fix it but then got one of those messed up ice cream headaches on top. Corn dogs and mustard did the trick.

Then francis got really mad because the soup told him since he didn't show up at that other meeting he'd have to give that gal her job back. Supposedly francis didn't go to that meeting because he doesn't want to admit he's not real good with the facts, liar my dad calls it, and just stayed home screwing around with his propaganda blog instead.

And francis figured he could always get some Rid from the superstore and fix those lice that have been bothering him. Or was it writ?

So francis went to see the county lawyer gal and she told him he was in kind of a pickle since the soup had already made their decision and they get the last say on that stuff. So then he figured he could go back to the soup and see if they'd let him spend some money to get a lawyer to make them change their minds. francis really, really needs a lawyer.

Way outside the thinking box.

After he mulled it over and remembered what happened the last time he asked the soup to get him a lawyer he changed his mind again and cracked out his special, different thinking, non-county issued laptop, plugged it into the county tube thing to figure out how to do it himself. francis is good at thinking different so pretty quick he came up with a plan.

Since he couldn't get the county to pay for his law paper stuff he had to do it on a budget so he downloaded some forms from elcheapofantasylegalkitsforfrancisandotherasswipes.blogspot.com to fill out and make his worries go away.

Now all he has to do is find a judge to hear him out.

Dicovering Self Doubt

Remember that time you tried to impress the cool girl at the party by beer bonging a half a gallon of malt liquor and telling her how fine she was?

Do your friends suck too?

How surprised you were that that girl didn't want to get to know you better after you gurgled something stupid and hurled malt liquor all over her shoes before you passed out in a pile of puke?


Then you found out what assholes your "friends" are.

It helped you learn your limitations and approach stuff a little differently, didn't it?

Seems some folks don't experience that sort of essential, transcendent vision quest early in life and are doomed to walk their path thinking they really can do whatever they set their mind to. Just like with all those other classes you skipped, you get to do a make up.

Those folks get the lesson later on in life.

Problem is, the older you get the harsher the lessons can be, you can forget waking up in a cooling pile of vomit when you were a kid since you were probably blacked out anyway but the stuff that happens later - that stuff sticks with you.

Francis is in the process of learning that lesson, maybe its because the cool girls never talked to him in the first place or maybe it has something to do with having a lawyer for a dad. Whatever the reason, it looks like his make up class is coming around.

Francis used to get by doing whatever the hell he wanted and when somebody had a problem with it he'd call em a racist and go along his merry way.


That happened in Frisco when he decided he wasn't getting his share of corpses and it made it hard for him to pursue his passion of burning people.

So he painted a Nazi symbol on his locker and started a big fuss about racism that got everyone's attention. Kinda like when somebody painted a Nazi symbol on the road down in Middletown that time.

This time around on the tax dollar merry go round francis's only soup fan couldn't get even get him 1 large to help pay for his lawyer bff but that's not enough for his lawyer bff to buy a new suit with anyway so that guy is probably thinking francis is a dick and didn't really have the lock on the deal he said he did.

Stuff isn't the same like it was before though or maybe its the same but different kinda since francis seems to be gettin' a dose of the reality check thing and it's a pricey remedy for what ails us.

The Piggy Bank

The local tradition of recognizing girlscouts, and girlscout cookies, was observed by the soup and everybody had a great time and got their picture taken. In a small twist, the girl scout pictures will also reveal a guy with a mustache as part of the group. The cave thinks thas great because over here we oppose discrimination in all forms and we really, really, really like cookies.

Mmmm Cookie

Especially the thin mint ones with the chocolate on the outside and the green goodness on the inside.

Then the tradition continued and another girl scout with a mustache came back to keep on begging for a handout from the taxpayers to help him pay for his friend to sue the county. That didn't go as smoothly as francis hoped and he wound up not getting anything from the piggy bank again even though one of the soup tried really hard to help him get some of the loot.

Brian's mom offered two things to give money to francis' attorney but nobody did the other part so those things didn't go anywhere.


Everybody else voted to let francis go ahead and get his own lawyer.

But that wasn't the interesting part. The interesting part came later when Donny DA tried to crack the piggy bank for some super dooper secret squirrel spy stuff he wants that lets him snoop on cell phones. At first it seemed like a normal thing where he has a tool he needs for stuff and so the soup buys it for him so he can do the public safety thing better.

Not everybody wants Donny DA to have that super dooper secret squirrel spy stuff though. Turns out francis decided Donny DA was trying to use some of his allowance for that stuff and doesn't want to make any cracks in the piggy bank. But then Donny DA showed the soup how that part of the piggy bank really is for super dooper secret squirrel spy stuff for him.

francis still didn't like it, almost like he didn't want super dooper secret squirrel spy stuff for people that might use it on him.

Soup Jeff said that all the chefs get together to decide this stuff just like always so he was confused why francis didn't know that it was okay for Donny DA to have the super dooper secret squirrel spy stuff. Seems soup Jeff doesn't know that francis quit going to the chefs meeting things.

Or maybe he did.

I guess there were a couple of people there who don't seen the purpose in super dooper secret squirrel spy stuff if it could be pointed at them.

A big backyard

Seems some kinda courty judgemental ruling thing has the local pot heads in an excited state. They're all juiced up because some court decided they can't shut down pot stores just because they are a nuisance.

Too many sparks.

But I don't recall anybody saying the pot stores are a nuisance.

Far as I'm concerned a nuisance is when the exhaust pipe deal on the Yo mobile falls off that coat hanger I used to fix it and starts draggin on the road as I'm scooting down the road at full blown ramming speed.

Happens to everyone.

Noisy and kinda sparky like when you take a grinder to some kids bike lock when he's not looking. Big orange showers of sparks shooting out from under the Yo mobile on a hot summer day look cool for sure but for whatever reason the police cops always take a dim view.

That's why its a nuisance.

Startin' to look like the pot stores might get to open back up again and the police cops won't do jack to them but they always seem to spot my sparks. Course the pot stores have to be at the pot factory or they can't be pot stores.

Shopping trip!

I figure that's a good idea since it means those guys will get to have big backyards on the one hand and on the other it'll be real easy for the folks that don't want to grow but want to harvest anyway to figure out where the big grows are.

That should cut down on the freakin' epidemic of home invasions which is good since that was risky and now you can just look up the address and do the old google map to figure out a good time to pay a visit.

The Brady Flu

When you get sick folks can usually tell because you're all sneezy and coughy and hackin' up globs of colorful goo that gets all over everything. Do gooders carry around all kinds of stuff to wipe that goo up and keep you from smearing it on phones and stuff that other folks might touch and catch whatever you've got. Some kinds of sick don't look the same though and you can't easily tell that the guy next to you in the peep show might have some kinda sick you could catch.

Francis has that kinda sick, he doesn't have the telltale cough or the spewing junk that usually give it away, til he opens his mouth and starts suing folks. Sometimes he can't even go to meetings he sets up himself so Patador has to try and help out but everybody just wants to talk to francis.

francis' sick is hidden in his head.

Dr. Donny DA examines a real sick patient.

Mostly you can't tell but it leaks out through his mouth just like most kinda sick does. And it can affect a lot of people just like the spanish flu or the black plague did too.

The only real difference is that francis' sick doesn't kill people outright, it just infects things like budgets and morale so those things waste away. Sometimes it even infects other people if they are in too close of contact with it for a while.

Francis' sick is called the Brady flu and it only happens to police cops who can't seem to keep their story straight when confronted with the harsh realities of the legal system. Its preventable but once you get it, that's that.

And there's no cure.

Symptoms can be pretty severe, some sufferers experience a protruding probosis that can be misdiagnosed as Pinocchioitis and can be cured by the Blue Fairy. Another symptom can be repetition of an important story with minor changes each time and the inability to come up with rational explanations for the stupid shit you get involved in.

Fortunately there is a specialist in the LC that treats this disease and his name is Dr. Donny DA. Only a certified Brady doctor can perform the requisite examination to determine whether the patient has the Brady flu or is just a douchebag. The examination can be a grueling experience that reveals all sorts of disgusting things once the doctor starts scraping away at the telltale falsehoods that may indicate the Brady flu.

If the patient is determined to suffer from the Brady flu there is nothing that can be done as the condition is incurable and its even more embarrassing than herpes because it never ever goes away even for a minute.

So francis is trying real hard to convince people he doesn't have the Brady flu and what's really going on is that most healthy people just don't like him so they made it all up even though lotsa folks have seen his flu in action.

Brave Sir Francis

Bravely bold Sir francis Rode forth from his compound.
He was not afraid to lie, Oh brave Sir francis.
He was not at all afraid To use his blog in nasty ways.

Brave, brave, brave, brave Sir francis.

He is not in the least bit scared To spew lies on idiot-point-one. Or to lie on PEG, and in his reports.
To have his followers split And his legacy burned away, And his frenemies hacked and mangled Brave Sir francis.
He wasn't afraid to challenge the soup and tell them what they think.
Brave enough to swagger in, he puffed his chest and straightened his belt and changed his tune.
When time arrived to explain himself, he put Patador in charge and bravely ran away.

Brave, brave, brave, brave Sir francis.

He is phoning it in and packing it up
And sneaking away and buggering up
And pretending he's sick and staying home,
Yes, bravely he is throwing in the sponge.

The Ethics Experts

Mayor of Mirth

Galactic Emperor and Poobah of all he surveys Sharuf Francis has been preparing a backup plan if the whole sharuf thing doesn't work out by reading up on some old Emily Post stuff and decided to put his newly discovered etiquette training to the test the other day by schooling the Clearlake Mayor on manners.

The way we heard it, francis was taking Mayor Joey to task because of something funny that Joey wrote about land, air and sea domination in the LC but we didn't get to hear the deal since Muabladar was using the radio to listen to some country music and practice line dancing for a date or something, like that's gonna happen.

Supposedly francis got miffed about some silly joke but over here at the cave we figure it's like most stuff and there is more than meets the ears. Seems more likely that francis doesn't appreciate how some folks don't bend way over at the waist, grab their ankles and do what francis wants, when francis wants it.

The spelunkers special Ouija board says, among other things, that francis didn't want santa clausen to be the head police cop over there in the land of the lost but would settle for another background check on santa clausen since that would stall the whole thing and give him more time to paint santa clausen in a bad light so he could get rivero's raving minions to show up at council meetings and make such a huge ruckus the council would have to give them the time of day.

Everybody wants to know.

But Mayor Joey thought that was a dumb idea since santa clausen had already gotten his background checked out by the town proctologist before he became the head police cop in the first place. That's probably why francis really got upset even though he pretended like he was mad about the joke.

Only problem is the legion of rivero's raving minions has been reduced to sub legion numbers like maybe three or four and so all they were able to muster was the splitter and we all know how effective that was.

So francis got spittin' mad, went on idiot-point-one to complain about a joke and they had to wipe down all the surfaces that he got all that spit on even though he was spittin' about the wrong thing like all he understands is those herring things and doesn't have the gumption to simply say whats on his mind since then we'd all know for sure how upside down his mind is.

Must be tough having an upside down mind. We tried it for a while over at the cave and hung upside down from the monkey bars but it just made us not feel very good and all that blood flowing into our heads made our faces red just like when francis is complaining about something other people did even though when he does it its all good.

Anyway, we're all super impressed that francis has figured out the decorum conundrum and hope he decides to practice what he preaches. Only problem is that Emily's learned area was manners and not ethics but francis doesn't seem to get the distinction since he sucks at both.