Cave diving

This is neat. The spelunkers crack technical squad took a break from being nerds and did something useful. The cave geeks did some kinda voo-doo and got a list of the top searches that brought mystery visitors over to find out what's up with the cave.

Down the list after what you'd expect they noticed some unexpected findings. So we made a top ten list of coolest searches that found the cave.

• "getting his hair permed"
• killed kenny
• penile implant
• francis this i dont hate
• i don't need anger management i need people to stop pissing me off
• gay smokey bear images 
• ostrich
• crazy voter
• a sign that says lake closed 
• sock puppets

We can't say for sure that they were looking for this particular cave but it would appear that whatever they were looking for they stumbled into the shadows and made us chuckle.

Let us hope that the cave has changed some lives. Then again who cares?

Fence Cowboy

Riding a fence isn't such a bad thing, it kinda makes it so that no matter what happens you can always say you were with the winners. Course some folks will call you a spineless wieny and they'd be right.

Just so we're clear, fence-riding and waffling aren't the exact same thing. They're related but a little bit different. Generally a waffler is somebody who says they said something different when everybody already heard them say something else. Francis is a waffler for example like when everybody heard him yell about pepper spray then he later on said 'something shiny' after he shot that poor door jamb to death.

A fence cowboy is more like Supervisor Tony only he doesn't have spurs or a cool hat or stuff. Tony is more like that little train that keeps trying to go up that hill and someday he probably will pass the bar but so far he's still at the "I think I can" part of the project and whoever grades that deal just hasn't had a meeting of the minds with him yet.

Those jailer guys got a real taste of Tony on fenceback when moments after he voted agin 'em he took the opportunity to tell 'em he really was on their side. The vote only took about 5 seconds then 'ol Tony spent around three minutes clarifying his vote so everybody knows he wasn't really voting agin 'em but was voting for... well he never really got to that part but we figure Francis understood.

We assembled a team of waffle wranglers and fence riding experts here in the Cave to review some game clips to see whether Tony was waffling or fence riding at that meeting and whaddya know, we think he did both.

This clip shows what we figure is a pretty good example of fence riding as Tony explains how he voted against the jailer guys because he has so much respect for em. Sorta like that guy that nails the prom-queen and tells her "yah, I'll respect ya in the morning." I bet she didn't need a shower as bad as they did afterward though.



Tony isn't the only fence cowboy around though; we here at the cave change our minds from time to time and we believe that Tony is also a waffler. Not that we have anything against waffles here at the cave but we usually have ours with some high fructose corn syrup so they go down smoother.

The Wrecking Ball

Poor Francis, he was planning on having a gala event during the holidays to celebrate all his amazing successes but a couple of curveballs caught him in the groin and fouled up his clever holiday plan.

The first nutcracker was that business about successes, lots of folks can be successful with all kinds of things in ten months but Francis... well not so much.

How do ya like me now?

The other nutcracker is that there aren't enough folks left over at Poobah central to have any kinda classy ball. He tried to get names for the guest list but those darn deputies are all in touch and since everybody in the state knows too much about Francis already nobody stepped up to the guillotine but the Patador.

Speaking of the Patador, has anybody even seen that guy lately?

So Francis had to come up with a new plan for the gala. He baked it up late one night with Tom and Bruce like a kitchen full of girl scouts getting ready to go out and sell tons of cookies. Those guys reall do like to bake a lot but those Dang girl scouts never come over to the singlewide anymore since that last time.

The new deal kinda broadens the scope of the gala to include just about everthing Francis has accomplised so he can celebrate both side of the coin since the success side is pretty much an empty slate waiting for some kinda action.

That other side of the coin on the other hand well that side has plenty of stuff to list so Francis is going to throw a Wrecking Ball!

Yep, that's the big plan. He's mashed up all the working relationships the SO ever had and destroyed enough stuff to fill one heck of a speech during the Wrecking Ball. Francis is fond of being the center of attention so this will give hime something to do while all his guests are outside smoking. He can name all the careers he's ended and list all the budget numbers he fouled up then light a match to celebrate all the bridges he burnt to the ground.

Its gonna be one heckuva party.

Where's Waldo?

Examine this video closely and see if you can guess who's missing. What we have here is recognition of a local hometown hero guy. Francis has only been around a short while so he doesn't realize that shootings and hostage situations aren't the norm like wherever the heck he came from so he didn't even bother to tell Andy that he would be getting an award.

No Time Like the Present

This gal has plenty to say but the oppressive gubmint rule dudes only provide three minutes so she makes her point quick-like.

Stump Speech

Some gal with an expired possum for a hairdo has decided she's gonna be the among the next crop of supervisors and to launch her bid she went out and showed the current people that do that just how much smarter she is.

In this clip we learn that, according to the mosslady, the serious boyz in the washington hood really do think its okay if we grow pot.

Just wait til Francis finds out about all this since he's been letting some guys masquerading as Federal troopers with helicopters and stuff go around scooping up all the hillside shrubs. Boy is he gonna be embarrassed.

Such a thorough command of native laws and stuff really does make the mosslady smarter since nobody else knew that, not even the lawyer in the room. Mosslady, you sure showed them!

Welcome to Salem

LCSO gets new decor.

Francis has decided that modern times are just too much of a chore what with all the need for evidence and due process and all that guff. So filled with disdain is he that he's decided to turn the clock back to the 1690s.

"The Salem witch trials established a more effective method of enforcement that I think we've all forgotten," Francis said during a recent press conference to announce his current approach to governance.

Francis has put the entire Sheriff's place on notice that nobody will be overlooked and only true loyalty, certified by blood oath, will save one from the newly installed stocks out front of Poobah Central or getting tossed into the lake to see if you float or sink.

Floating is bad since that means you are guilty of whatever Francis wants while sinking proves your innocence but you drown so its a win-win. To sit on the selection tribunal, Francis got together his hand picked campaign staff including Olga Martin Steele, Tom Carter, Bruce Forsythe, Mary Beth Strong, Becky Curry and Pill Murphy.

BFF Tom greeted the new good old boy way of doing things with a cheer and after putting down his bong said "This is so cool, once I get back from 'the big house' I'm going to rename Upper Lake to Salem, since I'm the mayor I can do that."

Nobody has told Tom that he isn't really the mayor.

The current batch of witches isn't known since Francis hasn't gotten around to naming them yet but they are probably some of the same ones he accused of atrocities and war-crimes back before he won the mandate of the county. On that occasion he was probably able to identify all the witches because they turned their backs on him and left the room for fear of being exposed.

Dissenters of the new good old boy way of doing things are concerned that insufficient evidence of witchcraft exists today and point to missing criteria for the work of Satan like smallpox, admission of spectral evidence and convulsive ergotism.

Unphased by concerns about his approach Francis says his own presence proof positive that Satan is alive and well in Lake because "where there's minions there's mephistopheles," he said, "wooorship meeee!"

According to Francis' flower a month calendar hangings by lottery are scheduled for early next year.

Ranger Francis announced his witch hunt with this press release: Ranger Francis witch hunt kickoff flyer

Pat's European Holiday

One week into his shiny new GOB job, Francis' new undersheriff headed off to Spain to score a pair of swanky matador pants for Ranger Francis.

Francis' flower a month calendar.

Unfortunately Pat didn't get back in time for the 5th Annual Jarepeo and that really ticked Francis off last week, we all noticed he was really angry about something and all grumbly and shouty and stuff but didn't know why until we learned about the matador pants and then it all clicked.

At first we thought maybe he was mad that Pat went on a two-week holiday a week after starting work but that wasn't it at all. We bugged Francis' office so we could listen in.

Pat was on a super dooper secret squirrel mission to get Francis those matador pants so he could wear them to the 5th Annual Jarepeo. Francis really wanted to go to the 5th Annual Jarepeo because it rhymes with the name of one of Francis' heros - Joe Arpaio.

Ranger Francis had fears that at the 5th Annual Jarepeo he wouldn't be the absolute center of attention so he sent Pat off to get those pants.

Pat squeezes into Francis' matador pants.

Francis really wanted those pants for the 5th Annual Jarepeo because they fit real snug just like President Bush's 'mission accomplished' pants and show off his junk.

Only Pat didn't come back in time for the 5th Annual Jarepeo.

Pat called Francis during the week to tell him that he was running late for the 5th Annual Jarepeo and when he heard the sniveling disappointment in Francis' voice he realized Francis needed those pants like yesterday and he was going to have to really step it up a notch to impress his new boss.

Pat models his swanky Patador outfit.

So instead of buying just one pair of matador pants and risking the wrath of Ranger Francis, Pat bought two pairs of matador pants and then found a really fantastic paella recipe so he and Francis could each put on a pair of matador pants and talk about their brilliant future together over a steaming pile of paella and some chilled San Miguel.

About this vacation deal. How come at my GOB job I had to wait three flipping months before I could take a break but Pat gets to go on holiday after a week?

I bet Pat thinks he's the teacher's pet or something. Boy is he gonna be surprised when Francis rolls him under the bus at the first stop and he gets his cool new matador pants messy. On the bright side Pat looks pretty good in those pink matador pants.

Its kinda too bad he won't be at the 6th Annual Jarepeo to show off his smokin' hot Patador outfit.